Today has been a little strange.

I went shopping for Thanksgiving dinner with my Mom. I guess it wasn’t really until actually preparing for the holiday that I actually started thinking about “the holidays” and what all that would entail. I know how Thanksgiving will pan out just because it’s already been discussed. But it still seems weird, not to be having dinner with the in-laws, not to be having to hurry from one place to other, not having to feel uncomfortable and self-conscience the whole time. There really isn’t a sense of loss. It’s more like releif. Releif that I can finally be myself, just as I am, all the time, special occasions, normal occasions and people get that and appreciate me like this. That’s cool.
But then there is… Christmas.

I have my own selfish needs to spend some time with a new love. I’m very curious to see what new things the holidays and the new year will hold for “us”. I’m really looking forward to that. But, otherwise, I don’t even want to touch it with a 10 ft pole. It’s going to be hard.Mostly because of finances and feeling like the kids deserve a whole hell of a lot after having their family ripped apart. I guess you can’t really compensate for that with material things.

The EX and I have discussed buying presents together. I can’t see shopping with him, but I guess we could just discuss what we would like to buy and then say you buy this and i’ll buy that. I think I will have him over Christmas morning to watch the kids open their presents. But I’m beginning to wonder if that is even a good idea. I think that would be nice, but he’s not nice. He’s been making things awkward lately. I don’t have a use for awkward anymore. Like calling me at 11:30 last night because he forgot to tell the kids good night because he’s so busy. Asking me to have the kids call him if he forgets. I think that’s laughable. I mean seriously, how is that my responsibility? It surely didn’t matter to tell the kids good night all those months he was getting wasted and not coming home or passing out downstairs. THEN, today….he tells me “Oh, well I might be having a friend stop by tonight, so if the kids say anythings, that’s what that’s about.” And I was like, “Is it a girl?” and of course, it is. So I ask if it’s serious and he says, “Yeh, it could be.”

First of all, SINCE WHEN? Don’t get me wrong…I’m all for moving on, and I’ll be pleasant with anyone who comes around with him, until they give me a reason not to, but it was just last Thursday, that he sat in my family room acting like he didn’t want to leave and then told me that he missed us. When I tried to be supportive and say, “Well, I know you miss the kids, but now that you’ve moved into your own place…it shoudl get better and easier for you to spend time with them one on one.” And his response, was, “No, I miss ALL of you…. I miss you.” Then when I told him I was tired and had class, he acted all weird about leaving. He would say bye and just hover int he doorway, staring at me and waiting for something. Again, I did the nice thing and gave him a hug, but even when he pulled away, it was like he was still waiting, or wanting something more from me.

Second, why be shady and beat around the bush? This is what bothers me because it’s his pattern. Seriously, if he was genuinely “serious” with somebody and came to me like that about it, I would respect it, hell, I’d be happy about it, but don’t flip-flop all over the place and expect me to happy that you’re having this chick around my kids. Is it so hard to understand that I don’t want people rotated in and out of their life? Especially Pickle, he’s already been through enough, lost one “mother”. C’mon. And how freakin often does he really have the kids? Twice a week for a couple hours and then every other weekend? And the first time the kids go over to his new place, she has to be there? I’m sorry, but that upset me and I told him I thought it was a poor decision on his part. Of course, he got all cocky and self-righteous and told me I’m a hypocrite. Blah, blah, blah…. but…it just doesn’t make sense to me. I’m sure he is really satisfied with himself thinking that he’s upset me by telling me about his “friend” but he’s totally off base. It has nothing to do with her. And then what’s more upsetting, is that he’ll go back to this girl and tell her I don’t want her around my kids and then she’ll think I’m a bitch and then we get off on the wrong foot….vicious cycle, all because he’s being shady.

I guess somethings never change.

But then somethings do, and that makes me eternally grateful and not able to be angry about much else.

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