Yesterday was the funeral. So much finality.

My Ex was there. He commented on what a good mother I was to several people as I walked around, rocking Jesse’s daughter.

A lot of people wanted a piece of here at the funeral home. I guess because she is the only piece of Jesse we have left. Parts of me wondered if somehow the seriousness of the situation had made a change in Ex’s heart, but I soon found out that wasn’t the case. Typical. Life goes on.

I spent most of yesterday trying to convince myself that I could make things with a boy work. I tried talking about this guy I’ve been talking to to other people, trying to wrap the idea around in my brain, but I couldn’t. Listening to my sister talk about her “pretend boyfriend” made me realize I didn’t want to make something out of something that really just isn’t there. I don’t want to build on quicksand. All it did in the end was make me further accept the finality of my marriage. I ended up just crawling into bed and slept. I mean really slept, for the first time in months.

I think that’s just it. I’m just tired . I’m tired of trying to fill in the blanks. I don’t want to do it anymore. Life is too short to settle. I’ve done it before and i just am very leary of doing it again. I’m just not ready for this. I’m not ready for considering potential and possibilities. I need some time to just recollect my thoughts and deal. To be me without worrying about impressions or expectations. One thing’s for sure … I’m done pretending.

Wouldn’t it be great if i could just find a guy who was impressed with me just being me. If i could exceed someone’s expectations just by doing that?
I might have to wait, but that’s what I want.
Someone to love me just for being me.

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