making THIS work

we had this court ordered parenting class wednesday night.

i don’t know why i thought it would be a good idea for us to go together, but by the time we got downtown, i was in tears and realized i had made a mistake.

turns out he has told some people about my blog, people he shouldn’t have. then he had the audacity to tell me to stop writing because he doesn’t want them to read it, he thinks it might hurt THEM to know that we still have feelings and love for one another. it will make him look stupid. there are things he wants me to keep secret so we don’t look crazy. and you know what i say to that and to THEM. here’s a great big FUCK OFF!

had anybody else really cared about him or us or our children and had taken the time to HELP instead of feeding the fire….we might not be here right not. this is my place to get things out so i can heal and move forward and be the mother and friend to my children that they so desperately need right now. remember, my children? none of you know ME and i find it quite amazing that those who had no interest in what i had to say or thought or what i, myself and my husband and family were going through, that now you suddenly care about what i say and think on those matters. it’s laughable. but isn’t going to stop me. i have nothing to hide. see that’s the thing about the truth, when you tell it, you don’t have to worry about who will come across it and what can be done with it. so read on….i don’t care.

after the class we went and grabbed a bite to eat and talked. we talked a lot about his brother and his fiance’. the situations are not the same, but i know where they are, how much it hurts, and despite all the things his brother has done and said to contribute to the demise of my marriage and family, i still tried to help my ex help them. (wow, ex. he really is, isn’t he?) i thought to myself several times, how i wish my BIL had taken the time to help his brother the way his brother so desperately wants to help him. and i also thought how i wish my ex would have wanted to desperately try to repair his own relationship with the same conviction as his brothers. just another fucked up revelation to have.

the weird thing about all this, is that now…for whatever reason, we’re actually talking to one another again. sadly, i think i’ve seen more of the man i love since we accepted the finality of our relationship than i’ve seen in the last two years. his gentleness , like the way when i start to cry he’ll take my hand, his words like when he tells me that he’ll always love me, it’s sincere, very sincere, his respect for me and appreciative of ME, as a person, like when he tells me i have more integrity than most people he knows. that guy….i love, i adore him….i’m over the moon for that guy. i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. i wish he knew that. i wish he knew that HE was all i ever wanted. it makes it hard for me. because while i’m happy to see that guy again, i’m angry that he wasn’t around prior and destroyed because he never stays. i wonder why that is. i wonder if it’s me that changed him, is it life, is it circumstance, is it the responsibilities? part of me think it’s old wounds from him previous marriage and relationships that he never healed from and that i know i’ve paid for a thousand times over….. maybe it’s all of it. i just hope that guy sticks around for his children and whatever he can’t be for me, will make it better for our babies.

god, knows i haven’t been myself and i know i’m happy to be putting the pieces of my puzzle back together piece by piece. sincerely, i hope he does the same. nothing would do my heart better than to see him being that guy again, laughing, making others laugh, playing his drums, being the daddy he used to be, loving himself and letting himself be loved, even if it’s not with me.

i ran into my attorney yesterday at the courthouse while i was working. he pulled me aside for a couple minutes and we talked. he told me how hard it had been to see me sincerely agonize over this process and the loss of my marriage. guess he’s not used to that. i personally, just think it’s the loss of the role, not particularly him. the loss of my children’s family. he told me that he wondered if the marriage was really over. he told me that he wanted both of us to make the right decision. he talked about conciliation, which he had to explain to me. i guess it’s just a 90 day delay in the proceeding to explore other options, such as separation, counseling, etc, etc….it doesn’t mean he moves back in or actually that anything changes but we just give it more time. he told me to think about it.

so i’ve been thinking about it. and my thoughts are this: i don’t need 90 days more to sit and agonize over something that seems pretty inevitable. i would need to see some BIG changes. yes, i do hear him talking, he says a lot of good things, but he always has. it’s the actions and follow through where we continually come up short. like when we did counseling before… he said he wanted to, he went and that was about it. even our counselor ended up getting completely frustrated because he was saying one thing and then chucking it all out the window with his actions. and he never saw that. and i still don’t think he does. he thought i was trying to make everything about his drinking, but i wasn’t…it’s just it kept coming up over and over again. he got drunk and said this, he got drunk and did this…EVERY FREAKIN week. so there’s that. that hasn’t changed. let me clarify, i’m not talking about the drinking, i’m talking about follow through. but of course, i’m still terribly scared that he’ll start drinking and go off the deep end again. i don’t need to be the one mothering his drinking habits, i don’t need to be the one telling him to get some counseling to deal with the demons he’s trying to drown out. i won’t elaborate, because it’s not my story to tell. our kids don’t need to see him like that or hear us arguing about it because that’s not all he is and i don’t want to focus on that anymore. i want him to be able to deal with other things. we all need to. plus, it just makes him more miserable. i just need to see him make the initiative to do that for himself without it being contingent anything else. he needs to do it for him and i just don’t see it happening.

then of course there’s the money issues. this was always a problem. he’s just bad with money and then gets mad when i can’t fix it. that is still there. despite me making a list of his bills for him with the dates and amounts and how to pay them…he’s forgotten. i’ve had to give him money i don’t even have for gas, and medication and all of that has gone without much notice. this always leads to another big issue for him, that he thinks i’m trying to be in control of everything. i really don’t want to be. jesus, id love for him to step up and take care of shit and say “i’ve got it handled.” i’d have kissed his fuckin feet if he ever did that. god knows i have enough to keep me occupied. and he cares to much about what everyone else thinks. and that’s just wrong in so many ways. then of course, there’s the abuse. he only put his hands on my twice in our time together, but the emotional, mental and psychological abuse…there’s a lot of work that i need to do for myself now.

i just want to let go and move on. there’s been enough hurt and enough tears. there’s a lot of healing to be had. i want all of this to be over. i don’t want to review the shoulda, woulda, couldas anymore. i’m tired of possibly and maybes and what ifs. i just want to be 5 years away from all of this and have all the answers and see the big picture.

right now i feel like i’m stuck in this little dark corner on the canvas of god’s masterpiece and am desperately wondering what the hell is going on.

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