shining light in the dark

I had one of the ugliest experiences I’ve had with my ex since…. well I guess the night he grabbed me by the throat. I left his house in a hurry without taking the kids inside and cooing and coddling them before I left. Why? Because after waiting for him in his driveway for over a half-hour because he was running late from work, again, my car was about to run out of gas and I was trying to make it to the gas station. Then he has the audacity to act like I’m this horrible parent right in front of the kids, after I waited FOR HIM!?!? He asked me why I didn’t go get gas while I was waiting? Wtf? Cause I was WAITING on you. The kids would’ve flipped if I had left with them after already being at his house. I swear to God, I can’t win.

But, it lead to one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.

Instead of being frustrated by my emotions and letting in complicate things between us, I let Jer be there for me. He actually took me in his arms and told me that he wanted me to know I had a safe place to go with all my tears and he wanted me to let it go. He must’ve held me for a good hour, while I sobbed. He even went as far as apologizing for all the hurt my ex had caused me. He said he wanted me to feel validated. He said I didn’t deserve it. He told me he could see it in my eyes and he didn’t want to see it anymore, so he wanted to help me put the burden down.
And I did.

Despite knowing my ex will always cause drama, because he thrives on it, I know I can deal without falling back into the bitterness and resentment of it all.
I’m gonna be ok.
Everything is gonna be ok.
And you know what else?
I have nothing to hide. I have nothing to be ashamed of.
I’m not gonna lie for him or hide for him anymore. That’s over. I did it way to long.

When you’re in the throes of a divorce, it’s way too easy to sit down and cry, and frankly, I’d like to be done and over with crying and being angry. That’s why I started this site. I’ve kept this blog of everything I’ve been through because I find it therapeutic for me to write about my failures and fears and let them go when I hit the submit button. I get it out and put it down and get to walk away with a clean slate to move forward with my hopes and dreams. That’s what this has always been about. I still read my blog entries now and then because they help me keep perspective, it helps me not take things for granted. Censoring this would be censoring my healing process, and I’m not gonna do it anymore.
This is about moving forward.
That’s what I’m gonna do.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The Ugly.
The ex strikes again. He was a complete ass yesterday. Borderline psychotic. He pushed me to tears and pissed off my Dad which is a hard task in itself. There was a WHOLE episode over what I am writing on my Xanga site. Why I had to write anything about him. He accussed me of writing things on here that I NEVER did. But then it occured to me that what I think happened was that his “friend” read my site. She got upset because of him telling me that he missed me last week and then went off on him, got really dramatic and starting adding things I didn’t say to my post. I’m pretty sure she must have pitched a real bitch fit.  I resent censorship in general, but I’m just tired of the drama with him. I should be able to talk about how I feel and what I am thinking about the things going on in my life without reserve, but if this saves me the headache of his drama when he gets caught in a lie…so be it. See, this is where that whole pesky character thing comes into play. If he had any, and was genuine and wasn’t a fake ass mofo he wouldn’t have to worry about what I write. Here’s a freakin genius idea….how bout he just doesn’t read it or send other people to read it? (gasp!) Then when I told him I was making it all protected and that he won, he had the audacity to tell me it wasn’t about winning….it was about putting our children first. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes, I always forget how he puts our children first. Like the years he spent putting alcohol as his top priority really shows his effort. Puh-lease.
Also, he demanded that he meet Jer because as he said, he “wants to make sure he’s on the up and up“. HA! That’s hilarious! Him being in a position of judgment to decide if someone is good enough. (sigh) What a fuckin joke. Jer of course, doesn’t think that’s a good idea, because well aside from the fact that my ex is all over the place lately, he’s worried he would say something snide or be disrespectful and he couldn’t let it go. I get that. Jer is a big believer in respecting others. He thinks there is nothing greater than respect and if my ex was disrespectful of him, or I, it wouldn’t be brushed aside.

The Good.
Jer is the most wonderful man.
I don’t think I could have designed him any better in my own dreams. Aside from being handsome, and funny as hell, and spectacular in bed (smirk) he has a great soul. He’s genuine. He’s real. There isn’t anything fake about him. Which I adore because it’s something I strive for myself. You know that, this is me no matter what and you don’t have to question anything character thing? He treats me so well and he loves me just for me. It’s an awesome thing.

Sincerely, I think he’s my soulmate.

The Bad.
I miss him like crazy.
It’s insane that you can go most of your life not even knowing someone exsisted and then when you find them – you can’t stand to be without them. He only lives about 30 minutes away, but his work schedule and my responsibilities make it difficult for us to get together. We’re like lost little puppies without one another. We talk on the phone so much that I’m horrified for him to get his cell phone bill. It is slightly pathetic, but so rewarding when we do get to see each other. I did drive out and see him last night. When I got to him, I jumped out of my car and ran over to him. Didn’t even give him a chance to get out of his truck before I threw the door open, climbed up and was giving him little kisses all over his face. Now I have three whole days without him. (sigh) because he volunteered to work Thanksgiving so that he could have the whole weekend off to spend with me. I’m REALLY looking forward to that, but it’s just a matter of surviving until then. I don’t know what we are going to do with ourselves.

Today has been a little strange.

I went shopping for Thanksgiving dinner with my Mom. I guess it wasn’t really until actually preparing for the holiday that I actually started thinking about “the holidays” and what all that would entail. I know how Thanksgiving will pan out just because it’s already been discussed. But it still seems weird, not to be having dinner with the in-laws, not to be having to hurry from one place to other, not having to feel uncomfortable and self-conscience the whole time. There really isn’t a sense of loss. It’s more like releif. Releif that I can finally be myself, just as I am, all the time, special occasions, normal occasions and people get that and appreciate me like this. That’s cool.
But then there is… Christmas.

I have my own selfish needs to spend some time with a new love. I’m very curious to see what new things the holidays and the new year will hold for “us”. I’m really looking forward to that. But, otherwise, I don’t even want to touch it with a 10 ft pole. It’s going to be hard.Mostly because of finances and feeling like the kids deserve a whole hell of a lot after having their family ripped apart. I guess you can’t really compensate for that with material things.

The EX and I have discussed buying presents together. I can’t see shopping with him, but I guess we could just discuss what we would like to buy and then say you buy this and i’ll buy that. I think I will have him over Christmas morning to watch the kids open their presents. But I’m beginning to wonder if that is even a good idea. I think that would be nice, but he’s not nice. He’s been making things awkward lately. I don’t have a use for awkward anymore. Like calling me at 11:30 last night because he forgot to tell the kids good night because he’s so busy. Asking me to have the kids call him if he forgets. I think that’s laughable. I mean seriously, how is that my responsibility? It surely didn’t matter to tell the kids good night all those months he was getting wasted and not coming home or passing out downstairs. THEN, today….he tells me “Oh, well I might be having a friend stop by tonight, so if the kids say anythings, that’s what that’s about.” And I was like, “Is it a girl?” and of course, it is. So I ask if it’s serious and he says, “Yeh, it could be.”

First of all, SINCE WHEN? Don’t get me wrong…I’m all for moving on, and I’ll be pleasant with anyone who comes around with him, until they give me a reason not to, but it was just last Thursday, that he sat in my family room acting like he didn’t want to leave and then told me that he missed us. When I tried to be supportive and say, “Well, I know you miss the kids, but now that you’ve moved into your own place…it shoudl get better and easier for you to spend time with them one on one.” And his response, was, “No, I miss ALL of you…. I miss you.” Then when I told him I was tired and had class, he acted all weird about leaving. He would say bye and just hover int he doorway, staring at me and waiting for something. Again, I did the nice thing and gave him a hug, but even when he pulled away, it was like he was still waiting, or wanting something more from me.

Second, why be shady and beat around the bush? This is what bothers me because it’s his pattern. Seriously, if he was genuinely “serious” with somebody and came to me like that about it, I would respect it, hell, I’d be happy about it, but don’t flip-flop all over the place and expect me to happy that you’re having this chick around my kids. Is it so hard to understand that I don’t want people rotated in and out of their life? Especially Pickle, he’s already been through enough, lost one “mother”. C’mon. And how freakin often does he really have the kids? Twice a week for a couple hours and then every other weekend? And the first time the kids go over to his new place, she has to be there? I’m sorry, but that upset me and I told him I thought it was a poor decision on his part. Of course, he got all cocky and self-righteous and told me I’m a hypocrite. Blah, blah, blah…. but…it just doesn’t make sense to me. I’m sure he is really satisfied with himself thinking that he’s upset me by telling me about his “friend” but he’s totally off base. It has nothing to do with her. And then what’s more upsetting, is that he’ll go back to this girl and tell her I don’t want her around my kids and then she’ll think I’m a bitch and then we get off on the wrong foot….vicious cycle, all because he’s being shady.

I guess somethings never change.

But then somethings do, and that makes me eternally grateful and not able to be angry about much else.

It’s been way too long since I’ve been this happy.

well, a lot of big things happened this weekend.

we exchanged our first “L- words” and he met the kids.

i was most impressed with how he handled himself. i thought it might be awkward but the kids really took to him, talking to him, climbing up on his lap and he was completely chill about the whole thing. we talked a bit about it afterwards. i told him that i worried that it might make things complicated for him, but he stopped me in mid-sentence and said it wasn’t complicated, they were a part of me and he wanted to know every part of me. this nearly made me shed a tear of joy.

i had a lot of mixed emotions about the whole meeting the kids things, but i’m glad it just happened and i didn’t overthink it all. it was actually sorta funny the way it happened. my ex had brought the kids home early. i had gone to see a movie with Jer earlier and told him about another movie i enjoyed that we would need to watch sometime. i had ordered pizza for the kids since they hadn’t eaten dinner and i wasn’t’ expecting them. so when the doorbell rang, we thought it was the pizza guys. Turned out to be Jer. He had gone and bought a copy of the movie I mentioned to him. i introduced him as my friend and that was that.

i explained to him previously that i didn’t want to rotate men in and out of their lives and for them to think that men leave and that’s how it’s supposed to be. he concurred, but also confirmed what i had been thinking … he’s gonna be around awhile. this was the main decision factor. i know it may seem too soon, but sometimes you just know what you know.

i did do the respectful thing and tell the ex about him. i told him i didn’t want him to hear it from the kids or anyone else, but that i had met somebody really special who was becoming a part of my life. surprisingly, he took it well and was kind. he told me hoped that he would treat me well and take care of my heart. he said that maybe just because we couldn’t have that picture perfect love, that didn’t mean we wouldn’t find it elsewhere. he said he was happy for me. and he thanked me for talking to him about it. hopefully, the ex will be smart about who he introduces to the kids but, i can’t make his decisions and i really can’t worry about that.

i just have to do what i know in my heart to be right…. and this …..seems like it.

T-R-O-U-B-L-E

Jer was everything i was swearing to avoid…..tattoos, piercings, bad boy, edgy thing going on.
but he is the sweetest.

Jer is a man. a good man. he issues compliments. he’s respectful. he treats me like the only woman on earth. like a queen. and it’s sincere.
he also says the most incredible things. like last night, we were watching a movie and i started laughing and i turned to laugh w/ him and he was just smiling and looking at me and then he says, “you are so beautiful“. *melts*

a couple days ago, he had asked me about my ex. i started talking about it and stopped, telling him i would get into that one day when we didn’t have anything better to do and my sock drawer was organized. he wouldn’t let me. he told me he wanted me to talk to him about anything. so, we talked a little bit about it. i told him i had been stupid. he grabbed my hand and told me not to do that to myself. he didn’t ever want to hear me say that again. then he looked me straight in the eye and said, “just promise me no matter what happens between us you won’t go back with him. he never deserved you and it hurts me that he didn’t respect you and treat you the way you deserved. you deserve better, even if it’s not me.

Jer informed me today that he has fallen in love with me. he was so scared to say it too. he says he’s never felt like this about anyone before and so fast. he said though he never believed in it before, it was love at first sight. he clarifies, not lust, because if it was lust he wouldn’t be scared out of his mind about how he feels.

the really scary part, is that i feel that way too. it’s not scary because of him at all. in fact, i feel for the first time in a long time, i am being myself and he totally digs it. he likes me just the way i am. no … he adores the me that i am. do you know how huge that is? what scares me is that i could allow myself to be so vulnerable after everything i’ve just been through. now, this, i’m ok with? i can’t explain what the hell is going on, but there is a connection between us that is just unreal. it’s that something you read about in books or see in movies. i can totally be myself around him. i feel like i’ve known him forever. there’s nothing that we haven’t or can’t talk about with one another. it seems crazy, but it doesn’t feel crazy. it’s like everything i ever wanted in a man, every piece that was missing in everyone else that came before…..just ~poof~ appeared.

is this really happening?
to me?!?!?!?!?

It’s never to soon to be happy

today has been absolutely stressful and miserable. ugh, ugh, UGH!

but… i will say this.

I met someone yesterday.
It was in the weirdest freakin place, under even weirder circumstances and only because my best friend insisted I go meet him as a favor to her.

Have you ever met someone and felt like you had known them your whole life? I don’t think I have laughed or smiled this hard in a very long time and that’s good. Very good.

and omg his eyes…. and that smile.
(((((((sigh))))))))
that’s all i’m going to say about that.

Finality

Yesterday was the funeral. So much finality.

My Ex was there. He commented on what a good mother I was to several people as I walked around, rocking Jesse’s daughter.

A lot of people wanted a piece of here at the funeral home. I guess because she is the only piece of Jesse we have left. Parts of me wondered if somehow the seriousness of the situation had made a change in Ex’s heart, but I soon found out that wasn’t the case. Typical. Life goes on.

I spent most of yesterday trying to convince myself that I could make things with a boy work. I tried talking about this guy I’ve been talking to to other people, trying to wrap the idea around in my brain, but I couldn’t. Listening to my sister talk about her “pretend boyfriend” made me realize I didn’t want to make something out of something that really just isn’t there. I don’t want to build on quicksand. All it did in the end was make me further accept the finality of my marriage. I ended up just crawling into bed and slept. I mean really slept, for the first time in months.

I think that’s just it. I’m just tired . I’m tired of trying to fill in the blanks. I don’t want to do it anymore. Life is too short to settle. I’ve done it before and i just am very leary of doing it again. I’m just not ready for this. I’m not ready for considering potential and possibilities. I need some time to just recollect my thoughts and deal. To be me without worrying about impressions or expectations. One thing’s for sure … I’m done pretending.

Wouldn’t it be great if i could just find a guy who was impressed with me just being me. If i could exceed someone’s expectations just by doing that?
(sigh)
I might have to wait, but that’s what I want.
Someone to love me just for being me.

Ravenna students leave school to honor classmate

Mike Sever
November 11, 2006
Record-Courier staff writer

More than 100 Ravenna High School students left classes Friday morning for a 10-minute memorial in honor of a classmate who died Monday.
The students circled around the flag pole in front of the high school to read a poem and hear remembrances of Jesse Frazier, 18, who died Monday night following a shooting in Windham.
Students planned the outdoor memorial after high school Principal Michael Bradley denied their request for “30 seconds of silence” during the morning announcements, students said.
Bradley told them “there would be consequences if they disrupted the school day,” according to Superintendent Timothy Calfee.
After the 10-minute memorial outside, Bradley directed the students to the auditorium where, during a 20-minute lecture, he told them, “You made a decision to disrupt the school day but I’ve decided to not hold any consequences,” Calfee said.
Some of the students wore T-shirts with Frazier’s photo on the front and his name, a cross and dates of birth and death on the back.
Students said they’d heard they could be suspended for up to a week if they wore the shirts or attended the memorial.
Calfee said no students were suspended.
Bradley said he and another administrator watched the memorial. “It was very peaceful, solemn, very nice.”
In the auditorium, Bradley said he talked with the students about what had happened and about the choices they made.
“What I did say was that I admired them. They knew the choice (to leave the school) could lead to getting in trouble, but they felt strong enough that the young man deserved this memorial,” Bradley said. “I told them I admired they would do that.”
Earlier in the week, students had left notes and other memorials on Frazier’s locker, which were removed by the school administration. Some messages were written in ink on the locker.
Bradley said the posters were taken down because “some students were writing derogatory things on the locker. I felt it might promote ill feelings between different groups in the school.”
Instead, school staff provided poster board and markers to students to write comments that could be given to Frazier’s mother.
“Several students did some very nice things,” Bradley said

REAL friends

We had to go shopping for funeral clothes tonight. I don’t care what anybody says… buying new heels, not only raises your height, but also your spirits. I know it’s stupid, but really, I think it made us feel better. We also went to dinner afterwards and I got her to not only smile, a real genuine smile, but I also got a good laugh out of her. That was a welcome thing.

When I finally got home last night and crawled in bed, I lost it. I just sobbed. As I was laying there, it struck me how absolutely bizarre it is at how accustomed I have become in dealing with things, like pain and grief, on my own. I really wish I could say that I missed him and that if he had been here he would’ve held me and comforted me… but I doubt it. There were so many time he wasn’t. In fact, more times than he ever was. I also realized that my girlfriend is in the same boat.

She was talking to me today about how sad it is that now is when her ex husband was actually able to genuinely open up to her. All of this happening has only strengthened my belief that family and friends, I mean REAL friends, is all you really can depend on in life. You just never know when your time will be up, so you should make the most of it by investing in these things. Your children, your family, your friends, is what carries little pieces of you on forever. I just hope he gets that before it’s too late. It’s already too late for us, but you know, the kids. It’s just all so obviously pathetic how all the things that he has put before his family…really mean nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Just think about it…. if you died tomorrow…your money would be depleted, your accounts closed, your job would find a replacement, your things would all be boxed away somewhere, all your “fair-weathered” friends, the people you can only share good times with, would MAYBE shed a tear and move on…. but your family…..your REAL friends…your kids….would be devastated and changed forever.

Just something to think about.

“All men and women are born, live and die.
What distinguishes us one from another is our dreams, whether they be dreams about worldly or unworldly things, and what we do to make them come about…
We do not choose to be born. We do not choose our parents. We do not choose our historical epoch, the country of our birth, or the immediate circumstances of our upbringing. We do not, most of us, choose to die; nor do we choose the time and conditions of our death.
But within this realm of choicelessness, we do choose how we live.”