dark place

it seems pretty fitting that today is halloween, because my life feels like a nightmare.

im in the deepest, darkest depression i have ever felt. it hurts physically.

everything is just confusing as all hell. i still care about him although i want to hate him. as much as i hate him though, i love my kids more. i mean i’ve been with him 8 YEARS! since i was 19. it’s hard. it’s hard to face that it’s over. there is so much there. so many memories, so many little things between us that i can’t share with anybody else because it’s ours. but…it’s over. it’s been over for a long time.

parts of me are still longing for him to ride in on a white horse and save me, to save himself, to save our children, be the man i always hoped he was in his heart and that we’ll live happily ever after, but i guess that is what it is…a fairy tale. it’s just never gonna happen. its time to let go.

i asked him the other day if it was over. he told me that he thought it was. he told me he thought that even though we wanted similar things that we were too different and that i couldn’t give him what he wanted and he couldn’t give me what i wanted. a part of me agrees and another part of me thinks it’s horse shit. we do want similar things, but what makes us different is our idea of how to achieve those things. our priorities are WAY different. he cares too much about what everyone else outside of our home thinks and impressing them and being “the man” in their eyes, more than being “a man” in his wife and children’s eyes. i think you inspire things, he thinks you demand them. he said maybe if i gave him some time. but i think there’s been plenty of that and plenty of chances and i always come up empty handed or with the rug being swept out from under me. i’m done with time and space.

then he said well you know what they say…if you love something, let it go and if it comes back to you it’s meant to be. is he serious? does he really think that’s what i’m hoping for. that i am gonna wait…for HIM? that this divorce and him physically attacking me is just some poetic tragedy? i’m not even going to touch that cause you know, i’m just down right disgusted that he would even risk losing me. it’s like he doesn’t even stop to think that maybe there is some guy out there, some guy that is everything i want and need that will see me as everything he wants and needs and that maybe, just maybe, i’ll move on and be happier than ever and never look back. i guess i should take more notice of that. if he had ever really loved me, or treated me the way i deserved, or been genuinely concerned about losing me, we wouldn’t be in this mess right now.

i cant even talk about the kids part in this right now.

i know no matter what happens, i’m going to be ok. i just have to keep reminding myself and praying for god’s will in this situation. i could use some clarity.
it hurts really fuckin bad.

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