The E-mails 10/3/06

Yesterday, I spent most of the day making phone calls. I called an attorney and made an appointment for today. I called the bank and explained what had happened and told them I wanted my name taken off the account. Then I went to another bank and opened my own checking account. When I got home, I sent him this e-mail:

I can’t do this anymore and we need to figure out what we’re going to do. We can’t continue to be in the same house because when you are here, we have expectations of you. This is something you don’t understand. You don’t understand that it hurts me when you don’t come home at night, that it hurts me when you talk to me so disrespectfully in front of the kids, when you leave the house trashed. It’s not fair to any of us. And the more it continues the more hurt I get, the kids are now getting their feelings hurt and eventually you’re just going to make all of us detest you. You’ve made it very clear that you are miserable and that you have other interest outside of the home. I think it would be best for everybody if you just go do those things and let us be. Pack your stuff, go stay at Jms’, J’s, R’s…whatever, agree to a visitation schedule that you can stick to, so that the kids know when they can DEPEND on you to be around and agree to pay me X amount of money out of each check and then keep the rest. I really don’t care about the money right now. I just don’t want this cycle to continue and the hurt to continue until we hate each other so much that we can’t be productive parents to our children. This process is going to be hard enough on them without all the extra stress. I don’t want them in the middle. You don’t know what it’s like to have them crying because you didn’t do this or you didn’t do that. You wouldn’t like me very much either if you had to watch me hurt them over and over.
I think you need some serious time on your own to do whatever it is you want without the responsibility of others expectations and feelings. What you need is to be alone, without a crutch, without someone who tries to make it better. Then, maybe, you’ll be forced to face your own demons and become the kind of man you want to be. I can’t do that for you….nobody can. And if you can’t do that, at least me and the kids don’t have to see you destroy yourself.

His response:
first of all a seperation agreement needs to be filled. we do not have to get divorced/dissalution right now we just need some space. how can you say “it hurts when you you don’t come home at night” when you tell me to leave my home and family. i am not walking away from that. second i have not left the house trashed. you use this to make your point look worse or bigger than it really is. if i ever disrespect you in front of the kids i am sorry but i know that i only do it to protect myself when you go that direction.
and just how am i hurting the kids feelings. that statement also is blown-up. the kids and you have always depended on me and nothing in that reguard has changed. i will always be a productive parent for my children. a family is a crutch for itself when each other need it. i have tryed to tell you what changes we need to make in order for this to work but you are more intersted in being right and y ou never give in. the things that need to change in our relationship and family you have not heard and not tryed in anyway to change. i can no longer be manipulated and scared into being the person you want. i need to be myself and be happy. i would like the same for you. you can’t continue to blow things out of proportion in order to get you way. people are seeing thru it. if you want to make this work then sit down with me and really listen.

What happened next:
My feelings are hurt. I mean, is he serious….I haven’t done anything to try. I haven’t tried making changes. What the hell was counseling. Wasn’t he the one that admitted to the counselor that he purposely wasn’t trying? I don’t get it.
He ended up doing a side job after work and didn’t get home til around 8. The kids were happy to see him. I did the invoicing for him and shut down my computer and told him I was off to take shower and get to bed, I was tired.

Him: “Just like that?”
Me : Yep.
Him: “Well can you help me with the kids, I was gonna get the telescope out and I need to make myself dinner.”
Me: Well, the kids have all been pretty emotional and tired today, which made it emotional and tiring for me, so maybe it’s not a good night for that and they should just go to bed.
Him: “But it might not be clear tomorrow night.”
Me: Ok, then you go get the telescope if that’s what you want to do.
Him: “Just forget it, I’m not gonna beg you to help with the kids.”

I look at him in disbelief and laugh.

Me: Oh that’s good, considering I was here all night last night with them by myself
Him: “And I was here all day with them Saturday while you were at your Mom’s”
Me: Right, and I am here everyday. They haven’t seen you since yesterday, I don’t think it would kill you to spend some time with them.

And I just went upstairs and took my shower and got ready for bed.

He comes up and tells me that he’s gonna sleep in the bed, because his neck is killing him, but he promises not to touch. 5 mins later….the kids won’t settle down into bed and he starts complaining about how tired he is, so I get up and get them settled down. As I get back into bed he asks me why I’m wearing this pair of underwear. Cause they were clean and I put them on. He asks if I did so he would see. He went on and on and I ignored and ignored until he fell asleep. Then I laid there and cried quietly for about 20mins until I fell asleep myself.

I woke up this morning to him spooning me, rubbing his hands up under my shirt and grinding his hard-on into my thigh. This continued until I got up and went to the bathroom. When I came back he was laying on the bed and motioning like he wanted me to cuddle up to him.

Me: I don’t want to cuddle with you
Him: Yeh, you do.
Me: No, really …I don’t
Him: (sigh) I want you. How long has it been?
Me: I don’t know
Him: Did you read my e-mail?
Me: Yep
Him: You probably thought it was all bullshit, right?
Me: silence
Him: Yeh, you always think everything I think and say is bullshit.
Me: I’m not talking to you
Him: Yeh, writing is probably better, then people can see what you’re really like.
Me: silence
Him: Did you show that e-mail to anyone?
Me: No, I’m sure you did though (wouldn’t you assume that from last comment)
Him: No, I didn’t. I was wondering if you showed it to your Mom or Dad?
Me: No
Him: Yeh, you probably wouldn’t cause then they would see what you’re really like.
Me: silence
Him: They’ll see….when you get you’re next boyfriend and you have all the same problems, then they’ll see.
Me: We’ll see. You won’t have to worry about it too much longer.
Him: Yeh, well i’d like to know how you think you’re going to afford anything
Me: Oh just stop….go to work.
Him: Well, you won’t be able to afford the house with your part-time job. We’ll probably have to sell the house.
Me: Yep…probably, ok bye. Have a nice day.
Him: Why don’t you get a full time job. Oh yeh, that’s because you’re not good at that. You can’t keep a full-time job.
Me: Aren’t you the one who changes job every year or two?
Him: The kids will probably have to get paper routes just to support you.
Me: Oh my God.

He walked away mumbling and shut the door behind him. I put my head in the pillow and screamed silently. I started laughing because the whole thing was ridiculous and I knew there was no merit behind his words, but I was also half crying because…his words hurt. I mean, wasn’t he just trying to have me cuddle with him and have sex? And then he attacks me? He walks back in.

Him: Are you laughing or crying?
Me: What would it matter to you, just go.

He said something about me obviously wanting a reaction and getting one while he was walking away. I didn’t really hear, or care to hear, anymore.

Then I come downstairs to make the kids cereal and I find a note on my laptop that says:

I want it to work. Can we give each other what we need to do so?
Love You.

The man seriously has a problem with connecting words and actions. My counselor said to me the other day that words are easy, people can say anything, it’s the follow through that’s more difficult. He said that when someone’s actions and words don’t match, the actions are the truth of the person. Because it is actually harder and takes more effort to “do” things to/for people.

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