i dont know how much more of this crap i can take 10/1/06

this weekend was horrible.

i’m actually thankful tomorrow is monday. it means that he’ll be headed back to work and away from me and the kids. hallejuah!

where do i even begin?

thursday… had all my std tests done. found out that aside from whatever it is that is going on, it’s also stirred up a uti and a bladder infection which would explain why i was in so much discomfort. after my appt and meeting with my boss for the day, i went home, put on jammies, ordered a pizza and chilled with the kids. when he called and said he would be late, i figured i’d start on some filing for friday. when he got home at 7, baby girl ran to the door and hugged/kissed him. he comes in the room. i say hi. he looks at me and says “why is she the only one who runs to the door with hugs and kisses?”

here we go. self-pity mode night.

i get up, hug him, kiss him on the cheek and ask how his day was. he bitches about his job and how he hates it there now. i calculate in my head how long he’s been there. little over 9 months. this is about right. every year to two years, he changes jobs cause he just hates it and it’s everyone else’s fault. i tell him to try and hang in there and remember it’s a job and that the real reason he works is for everything else, for his family.  this keeps him quiet for a minute before he aks me if i really love him. i stop what i’m doing, look him straight in the eye and say, yes, i do. i return to my work. he says, that’s it? then he says “tell me, tell me how much you love me“. is this fair? i mean, i’m sitting here concentrating on client cases and you’re demanding that i spell out my love for you? i wouldn’t call him at work and do that.  for about 10 mins baby girl keeps giving him hugs and kisses and he says over and over and over, “at least somebody loves me“.  i just ignore him. this is what my counselor has told me not to react to, so i won’t. i don’t. he starts sighing and sulking about making himself dinner. this from the guy i’ve cooked a meal for all week, without a single, thank-you, nothing. the guy i called and asked if i could order pizza for dinner because i was so tired and uncomfortable, “yeh sure, we had pizza for a late lunch here, i can fend for myself.” so, whatever. ignore. ignore, ignore.

i’m trying to finish up so i can watch my thursday night shows. right after his show goes off and mine is about to come on he pauses it, looks at me and tells me he’s horny.  i tell him sorry, i’m really not interested. i mean – hello???  crotch is under reconstruction. his response was to drop his head and close his eyes and rub his forehead as if he was trying to ease a headache, sighing loudly, sulking on and on through the show. when it ended, he gets up, gets his laptop and says “goodnight” really nasty and goes upstairs. i just stayed on the couch. i left the tv on, but didn’t watch it. i just laid there, fuming, biting my nails, trying not to go tell him off for being such an inconsiderate, selfish jerk. i didn’t do it. i didn’t react. it took me 2 hours to get over it, but i did. then i went upstairs where he was looking up dept of labor information about his job on the laptop. i asked him if he was almost done and he smacked his lips at me and said “no. i can’t believe you’re gonna stay down there all this time and then come up here and act all annoyed cause i have the light on when you know im looking up important information for work.” (snort) i denied my first instinct to claw his eyes out, told him i was not annoyed, was in pain, uncomfortable, ready to go to sleep and just asking when he would be done. then i just pulled the blankets up over my head and turned my back towards him. i guess he went downstairs and slept on the couch at some point.

friday. i had counseling. he was proud of me for not reacting. we talked a lot about  the job and how i had put things in place to be prepared while i was still waiting for the husband to start putting in some effort. (i.e. preparing for the worst, hoping for the best) he told me i shouldn’t set myself up to be disappointed by him where my job or income was concerned because he couldn’t be trusted right now. he asked me if i had thought about putting some money away, getting my own checking account. he told me i should think about putting my paycheck aside. this seemed reasonable to me. especially since there was some extra money in the account already and there was another check on the way. i sent my check off to my savings account in virginia. this plays out more later…

he calls says he’s on his way home. calls back about 5 mins later, says guy from work just called him and asked him to have a beer, so he’s gonna go and he’ll be home later. whatever. I think he got back around 10pm. i don’t think he was drunk either and i can’t say i would’ve cared either way. it’s old. i’m getting over it. what ticked me off most about this incident was that the night before i had asked if i could go out to dinner with my girlfriend and he said it wasn’t a good idea because he was tired and it wouldn’t be fair to the kids and then here he goes. it’s annoying to say the least. i mean how would he like it if the roles were reversed and he was a stay at home dad and i had a job and he didn’t get to go out and socialize with adults and i would go off to work and then out for drinks at least once a week? not to mention all the times he drank at home this week.

saturday morning the kids are up and we’re still laying in bed and he starts being mean to them. telling me they don’t listen and i let them walk all over me. i didn’t say a word. when i do, it doesn’t help so i just laid there, cringing at the way he was talking to them and treating them. it made me sick to my stomach. and i’m thinking to myself how fair is it really that he expects a 10, 5 and 3 year old to listen to me, when he doesn’t? he’s not consistent at all. in fact every rule that he applies, he breaks or lets them get away with and then he wonders why they don’t listen. (snort) whatever. i tell him that he should probably spend some one on one time with them and explained that i need to get out and do something anyways. i need a break. he says well maybe he can get a sitter (which means i should call my dad, he never makes arrangements) and go watch his dad play out with his band (code: you can be my designated driver while i drink with my family) ummmm, let me think … no. well how about we go out on a date, dinner and a movie? ok, i’ll do that. sounds a little promising, right?

wrong. 5 mins later, we start fighting. i go to brush my teeth and i come back in the bedroom to find him digging through my purse. (let me stop and explain at this point that in recent months, i sleep with my purse, keys, cell, and laptop, right next to my side of the bed, for fear that he’ll do something. like the time he unplugged all the computer equipment when he was drunk or took my keys with him to work so i would be stuck here all day, etc,) i ask what he’s doing. i don’t think i ever got an answer before i snatched it out of his hands and told him i didn’t have any money. he said something about picking up bagels on the way out to his brother’s. i asked what had happened to the $100 he had kept out of his paycheck. after a “god damn” like i had been riding his ass for asking the question, he starts going into lunch, chew, here, there, blah, blah, blah and all i said in response was “wow.” i mean, $100 in cash could last me…probably 3 -4 weeks. now he’s all defensive. didn’t i get paid? yes. where’s that money? i put it in my savings account. this sent off a wide eyes psycho look. he was pissed.  what about the ssi check? it’s in my purse, i haven’t done anything with it yet. so what’s in this account, what’s in that account? which turned into him actually logging onto the account, which i don’t think he’s ever done before because i had to give him the login id and password. he’s looking at the check register and being really mean and nasty. asks me what i wrote this check for and that check for. dr. appt. prescriptions, otc treatments for my *problem*, pizza one night … all stuff he knew about and he’s acting like i’ve done something really deceitful and crazy. i tell him he needs to calm down and quit talking to me like this. he continues. i tell him he’s an asshole. this is the part where he gets all self-righteous. “well, i’m not name-calling” good for you, dear. really, good for you.

oh yeh. here you are FINALLY caring about the finances, telling me i’ve done all this shit behind your back, acting crazy, talking to me like a piece of shit in front of my kids while, they are once again, getting away with murder cause your too busy being psycho but yes, sweetness, you surely didn’t name call. give me a fuckin break.

he just went on and on and on and on and on and on, til finally, i said “you know what, i’m gonna get my stuff and go stay at my mom’s for the weekend. i don’t need this and the kids SURELY don’t need this crap“. he starts telling me how he’s gonna take the money out of the account.  i explain that he can’t do that because there are already bills scheduled to be paid out of the account on the 1st. why would he do that? he says “because it’s my god damn money!”  but really, it was for the bills and our mortgage. so when he left the room, i grabbed the bill stuff away from the table and the checkbook, threw it in my laptop bag and went upstairs to get my stuff together to leave. as im pulling stuff out of the closet, he walks in our bedroom, all pissed off and i tell him right off the back not to touch me and to stay away from me, don’t make this worse…DON’T TOUCH ME, that’s the last thing you wanna do.

i was scared. i really was. he starts pulling on my laptop bag. he kept trying to open it and i pulled back, so he snatched my keys out of my hand and ran downstairs. i asked him for my keys back and told him i just wanted to leave and he said give me the checkbook. i told him he could have it, but, again, that money needed to be there and the way he was acting, i couldn’t trust him.  he refused to give me the keys so i told him the car was in my name, i just wanted to leave. he laughed at me and told me to call them. i started to call my dad to at least help me figure out how to calm the situation down. while i was dialing, he unplugged the phone from the wall. my arms were full and i was trying to dig my cell out of my purse. i tossed the phone on the stairs in front of me. i walked outside and he shut and locked the door behind me. then he came out and started getting into my car. i yelled for him to get out. he gave me the most evil look i’ve ever seen. i can’t explain it, but it made goosebumps all the way up my arms. it was this smirk. it was only a split second, but it said a lot.

he started grabbing my file for work and cut me the look again. finally, i get him to give me the keys. he removes my house, work keys from it and i tell him no, now he has my house/work keys. the COPS show up. i explain. they tell him he’s being ridiculous and that this isn’t going to get resolved so he should just give me my keys and let me leave. after he gave my keys, i go to leave and he brings the kids out of the house and is telling them to wave. seriously. this to me tells me he has no interest in not putting them in the middle of this situation.

i left and was driving around aimlessly.  i just sat there and cried. i went to my parents house and just laid on the couch with my head in my mom’s lap and sobbed for about an hour. she told me i should just hold on to the ssi check and open my own checking account to pay the bills out of so i could at least rely on that money, that even if he hated me he was responsible for tending to his families’ needs and he was just being hateful and unreliable.

i didn’t go home til around 10pm. the house was trashed, there was take-out food containers all over the kitchen, food all over the kitchen table, floor, family room floor, he had broken down a couple computers on the dining room table…the house was just gross….but i didn’t say anything. the kids were in bed so,  i went and took a shower, got on my pajamas and went to bed.

i got up this morning and got the kids ready to go to church with my parents. after they left, i just came upstairs and went back to bed. the antibiotic they have me on, makes me sleepy. i ended up sleeping til noon. he came up and told me to get up and get dressed he wanted to go get some lunch. i told him i wasn’t hungry. he said i had to eat. (i don’t have much of an appetite lately) i told him i didn’t want to go anywhere with him. he kept pushing and pushing and talking about lunch. i told him i didn’t have any money. he pulled on my arm and said, “yeh you do…c’mon…what sounds good?”  my reply was “you moving out“, which understandably ticked him off enough for him to tell me he needed me to move my car so he could leave. which i did. and he asked me again if i was going and i didn’t. know what he did?

he went out and spent the bill money on 4 new speakers for his Jeep. this was major fuel on my fire. here i am, needing some new professionl outfits for work, been using my mom’s vaccuum for 2 months, cause mine’s busted, there are so many other things we could have used that money on if we were gonna spend it, but we didn’t even have it to spend. he spent the rest of the afternoon putting them in. while i cleaned up the house, did laundry, dishes, got dinner ready, etc, etc. we grilled pork chops on the grill. and sat down for dinner and he laid into me. telling me all he wanted from me was my love and affection. that’s all he ever wanted. he’s just trying to be himself and i don’t like it because he’s taking control. oh my god! i just told him to stop, not to even talk to me, that i didn’t want to hear it, because it was crap and there wasn’t any sense and talking anymore.

as if this wasn’t enough. he looks at me and says, “have you slept with someone else?”  excuse me? “well, it was just a couple weeks ago that you went and spent the night at your friend’s house and” ….i cut him off, no, no i didn’t, i got a migraine and i came home…. “oh yeh“, he says, “right you got sick and came home in your pajamas and your pants were in the trunk of the car“.  uh yeh because i was SUPPOSED to spend the night with her. then he says, “i’m just saying…you know there was that and then now, what 2 weeks later…you have this yeast infection and you know if you were with someone else and your body isn’t used to them, you might have a reaction, i mean your body is used to me and“….i interrupt and explain that yeast infections aren’t sexually transmitted.  it was ridiculous. then he starts asking me why i’m getting so defensive? maybe because i can’t believe his audacity. i mean, isn’t he the one who doesn’t come home at night? he insists this means something.

then, after dinner and 4 beers he went and got in his Jeep and started to leave. baby girl sees him pulling out of the driveway and starts getting upset because she wanted to go for a ride.  i open the front door and gave him a look like “what are you doing?” and he makes a motion with his finger in a circle and mouths “going around the block.” about 40 mins later he still wasn’t back. baby girl is upset so i dial his number 4 times before he answers all annoyed “hello?   what?!” before he realized it was her. she told him she wanted to go for a ride. he said ok. told her he’d be back. then she asked about going to get pumpkins. anyways, another hour later…she’s still waiting and he’s a no show.

you know what? it’s one thing for him to do screwed up stuff that disappoints me, but why her? why? i distracted her with a bubble bath and then went and called him. he doesn’t answer the phone. so i left a message telling him exactly what i just said…it was one thing to do things to hurt me, but he told her he would take her for a ride and then he didn’t  and that was beyond screwed up. he calls me back. tells me he’s at his buddies house and he’s just going to spend the night. so i ask him what he’s doing and why he would do that to her. he of course says he didn’t tell her that. I HEARD HIM … with my own ears. it was on speakerphone. I HEARD HIM. I ask how he went from going around the block to spedning the night, he said his buddy called him and asked him to come over, like he does all the time, and he went over there and he thought she doesn’t want me there, and i interrupted….”ohhhhh…it’s my fault. i see, say no more“. he hung up on me. now, i’m pissed. i called him back about 6 times before i left him a message telling him that i thought what he did was messed up and i wasn’t going to keep calling him to tell him so, just so he and his buddy could sit there and laugh at me, when they were the same, thirtysomething year old guys who couldn’t get a relationship to work and who will both end up old and alone and that he was right i didn’t want him here hurting us, we didn’t deserve it and that instead of coming back and making us miserable that i just wanted him to stay gone.

then i spent the rest of the night putting on my mom mask, getting the kids homework done with them, getting bookbags ready, giving baths, getting snacks and off to bed.

we’re here and he’s not.  again.

what is the point and dragging this out? why can’t he just go and have his freakin visitations. i mean, at least then it would be consistent and the kids wouldn’t be coming in here asking where daddy was. assuming he can handle a couple hours a week and every other weekend. it’s so not fair to them. i hate him for that. this is exactly what i don’t want. i don’t want to feel like i have to protect them from him. i don’t want our problems to interfere with parenting them.

god- i hate this.


word of the day: ugh!

One thought on “i dont know how much more of this crap i can take 10/1/06

  1. hey steph, hope everything’s cool there.
    regarding your last post. i really hate it when people make base judgements like that and there are situations where I’ve just had to deal with it because sometimes, there’s no changing or getting through to certain people. it’s a source of great annoyance to me..

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