i will survive

i have final papers and exams due this week, so i’m hella busy.
i wish i had time to write, because i have so many things to say. lots of insight lately. some of that has been a very good thing, but it’s also depressing when you start to realize the truth of matters. this is a very painful process. i’m wickedly depressed.
but i will survive. one way or another, i will.
me and wine right now….not a good idea.
i just start preaching about relationships and saying what i really think
wanna know?
i think there is nothing really good about him. correction, there is, but it’s buried deep under some sadistic shit. i’ve figured out that ‘s it’s not really about him. it’s not the loss of him that i’m so hurt about. it’s the loss of the idea of him. since my tender years, i wanted to be a wife and a mother and i needed a husband and father. that’s what i’m mourning here. the loss of the dream and facing the ugly reality of it all.

i know i shouldn’t be thinking about this now, but i am.

i wonder if that guy is out there. that guy who is my equal, my friend, my lover, my confidant. somebody that i can yolk myself to as an equal. somebody who isn’t a half that i’m trying to make whole. somebody who compliments me. not with words…but with honor and integrity. i want that guy. and i desperately wish it was the man i was married to, but it’s not. and the sad part is that after this is all said and done with, i wonder if i will trust myself again, to make that judgment call. it will be a long time before i’m ready.
it all hurts so bad. really, really fuckin bad.
you know what he said to me tonight?
do you realize that i pay for everything here, EVERYTHING. And then I get made out to be this horrible person because i go out and drink a couple times a month? or even if it’s in a week….why should it matter?”
at this point, as hypocritical as it is, i’m pretty lit and i just looked at him and said, “oh yeh, poor you….my wife made all my dreams come true and boohoo she actually has expectations of me and cares about me and wants me around.
i just wish this were all over already. i wish that i was on the other side and had all this clarity about it. but, i’m right in the thick of it. there’s this small part of me that’s hoping some miracle of miracles will occur and that a man might emerge from this childish, selfish being….but the reality is, that 97% of me knows, is that it’s never gonna happen. the best crystal ball any of us have, is the past and he’s never stepped up. it just ain’t gonna happen. and really, why the hell should i even bother with someone who would even take a CHANCE of losing me?
i’m a good girl, no, im fucking fabulous and maybe just maybe there are guys out there who still wants that…instead of just a good time.

quote of the day: “what the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.”

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