today was even worse

i cried so hard today that i actually couldn’t breathe. i’ve only ever actually heard one other person cry like that ever. it scared me that i found myself balled up on the floor of the bathroom in the fetal position crying like that. i’m getting worried…about myself. i keep waiting, praying, hoping beyond all hope that some miracle is going to cure that’s gonna stop all of this. heal all of this. i guess i’m desperately wanting to be saved and perhaps the only person who’s going to do that is me.
i woke up this morning to him trying to get in bed with me. he asked my son, who had crawled in bed with me after a bad dream, to move so he could lay next to me. i just kept hugging my son. he snorts and rolls over. my son offers to move so he can lay next to me to which he replies, “it’s ok, she doesn’t want me. she’s just being mean” then my oldest son came in and asks if he would make him bacon for breakfast, he replies no and when he asks me…another snort and he chimes in “she doesn’t cook breakfast, she might pour you a bowl of cereal but she won’t cook you nothing.

is this really happening? did i really stay home with my kids last night, make them dinner, tuck them in and watch them worry about where daddy was, all while he’s out getting hammered, to have him come home and ridicule me in front of my children? these words…this game he is playing is ABSOLUTELY, without a doubt, the worst thing you can do to your child and it has bad consequences which i really don’t want to subject them to.
i retreat to the kitchen, phone rings. his brother j whom i made the mistake of actually thinking might talk some sense into his sibling. i tried to talk to him about the situation and boy, was that a mistake. really, i want to believe that i can’t fault him for his actions or words, because #1- he’s relying on my husband‘s word and #2- he desperately wants to believe his brother. they’re family, i get it. but at some point if you really care about someone and you see that there is someone else who really cares about them and is asking for your help, shouldn’t stop enabling your family member for one minute, to think about what might be in their best interest? shit….that’s hair-brained of me. because they all drink and are verbally abusive, so to acknowledge that this behavior is wrong, would be admitting he was wrong too. but it left me feeling like i was trapped in the twilight zone or something, where common sense isn’t so common and i just felt like i was losing it. this is the part where i ended up on the bathroom floor sobbing and gasping for breath.
he played the concerned husband for all of 10, maybe 20 mins and then reverted back to his self-absorbed ways. i don’t even feel like writing all the bullshit he spouted out. except for two parts. the one where i told him his actions had now scared me into questioning whether i could trust him to be alone with the kids and the part when i asked him to sign something saying that he wouldn’t be under the influence of drug and alcohol while the kids were in his care and he refused. those stand out. also the part when he agreed he would leave the house, only to call me later and tell me he wouldn’t be leaving until he speaks to an attorney, which just subjects me and the kids to his roller coaster, volatile ways, which is everything i’m trying to avoid.
again, i feel trapped.
several people have said to me today that this is going to get nasty because that’s his nature. i’m starting to really fear that when he backs me into a corner, that i’m gonna have to get some claws. i have them, really, i do. but in all honesty, i just don’t treat people like this. i wouldn’t treat someone i really didn’t like the way he treats me, much less someone who i love and have made a life with and born children for. stop. look at what i just wrote. i wouldn’t treat someone i didn’t like the way he treats me. what does that say about how much he “loves” me? what does that say about how much he thinks of me? respects me? appreciates me?
wow. that’s depressing.

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