i don’t know how i’m supposed to do this 9/15/06

it just hurts. it hurts so bad emotionally, that i feel pain physically.
we were standing in the kitchen last night and i caught myself just staring at the wedding band on his hand. i started thinking about the way his hands felt when they would touch me, i started thinking about all the times we had been intimate, i started thinking about making love….conceiving children, him being in the room when i gave birth and i turned a walked out of the room, went straight upstairs, threw myself on the bed and cried for 20 minutes. then i said to myself, “ok, you’ve had your moment…now get up and move on.” so i did, i went and got my shoes on and went to the store to pick up my prescription for my anti-depressant. it’s so cliche’, i know…but really i need some pharmaceutical help right now.
there was another moment earlier in the day i got excited when i was shopping for groceries with the kids. i saw a box of boo berry cereal. i went to grab it and then my eyes welled up with tears. it was a force of habit. see…this is his favorite kiddie cereal, but for some reason we can only find it around here near halloween. whenever i see it, i buy it for him. i put it back, hoping the kids wouldn’t see it. and they did and they wanted it. and then i had this debate with myself over whether i should get it for the kids, cause i wouldn’t want there to be any chance to think i might have bought for him. “this is stupid” i said to myself. and i picked up a box and threw it in the cart.
i can’t help but wonder how many moments there will be and how long they will keep coming. i wonder if they will ever stop. in reality, it’s quite possible that even 10-20 years from now, even after all the sadness and bitterness is gone, that i’ll be in some random place and see or hear or smell some random thing that will remind me of him.
i think this must be easier on people who have affairs, because they can move right into the next thing, the next relationship, without so much wallowing in the emotions of the break-up. that seems like a luxury compared to this right now.

_______________________________________________________

i dont know why anything he does is surprising to me anymore. you think by now his unlimited selfishness and ignorance wouldn’t even bother me. but it does. and it still hurts…tremendously.
he called me from work today to tell me that he had heard that his boss had been asking around about him. he wanted to check in on me and the kids. it was a normal conversation. at the end of the convo, he said…”i’ll see ya later“. which indicated to me that he must be intending to be home at the house tonight. i called him back to clarify this point. he acted lost and offended that i would suggest that he wouldn’t be here. i thought that was little odd. but really i didn’t want myself or the kids to expect him if he had made other plans. plus, we like certain things for dinner that the kids don’t so i wanted to get a game plan for a meal. then he calls me back later to tell me he’s running late he’s had a bad day and he still has to finish up fixing the intercom system and then he has to meet with his boss, because she didn’t meet with him earlier today as they usually do for their friday meeting. “once i finish this shit up i’ll be on my way home“. i figured since he had a bad day, i’d pitch my first dinner notion and make something he’d enjoy, especially since the kids had decided they wanted to have a breakfast dinner (pancakes and bacon). so i made navy beans and corn bread for him.
and then……………………………….he was a no show.
i called him around 8:30 i guess and got no answer so i just went about getting the kids ready for bed and trying to figure out if i should worry or just write it off as him being…. well…himself. come 9:30 though the kids are all in my room asking why daddy isn’t home and where he is. “what if he’s drinking beer and drives home drunk?” asks my oldest. “can you call him?” so i call, he answers, he talks to the kids, tells them he’s on his way, i can tell by his slurred speech that he’s messed up. when i get back on the phone and ask him where he’s been, well duh…he’s been at the bar. i just flat out asked him why he would go out of his way to call me and tell me he’d be home to not show up. i mean, did he do it on purpose, to purposely hurt me? “no” he says, “i had made plans to stay at j’s because you didn’t seem interested.” so now it’s MY FAULT again??? wtf? so i ask him, “are you accountable for anything you do, or is it always someone elses fault?”
when he got home, he reeked of alcohol. of course the kids were excited to see him and i just wanted to bawl my eyes out that they would see and smell him like this. i got to be the bad guy and just kept telling them to get back to bed. then i had to ask him repeatedly to just leave them alone and go sleep it off, that they didn’t need to see him like this. he looks at my 3 YEAR OLD daughter and says, “mommy, says i have to go.” nice. then he goes in our room and grabs a change of clothes as if he’s going to leave and i tell him that he shouldn’t have drove home like this and im not gonna let him get behind the wheel again. i practically had to race him down the stairs to grab his keys before he could. i tell him to please just sleep it off. when i come back up my oldest son says “i smell him too, he stinks.” (sigh) then i have the obscene pleasure of overhearing him on the phone with somebody talking about how i took his keys and won’t let him leave but i let him drive to work everyday??? wtf? it’s so ridiculous. i lost it and started saying “make sure you tell whoever you’re talking to that your wasted and that’s why i took your keys.” then i just pulled them out of my pocket and said “you know what…screw it, go ahead and leave.” however, when i went to toss the keys to him, they hit him in the face. he played this up. “dude she just hit me in the face with the fuckin keys.” then he hands me the phone to talk to his friend who was just like wtf is going on with you guys, you need to get you guys need to get your shit together. i went into explaining his behavior lately and how i’d gone out my way to make him dinner and he’s never happy or satisfied because then he wouldn’t have an excuse to be an obnoxious drunk and might be held accountable. i told him he didn’t need anybody else telling him what he wanted to hear, and that if he were a real friend he’d tell him the truth, to which he replied that he understood that and that he just told him before he handed me the phone that he shouldn’t be acting this way. exactly. why am i even on the phone?
when i went to give him the phone, he acted out this big flinch all dramatically, like i was going to hit him. then he said, “wanna throw anything else at me?”  i told him i was sorry and that i didn’t mean to hit him in the face when i gave him his keys. i told him i had just tossed them to him and it was an accident. i guess when he got back on the phone with his buddy, he started telling him that i had made him dinner and so he turned to me and said, what the hell did you make for dinner and if you had told me that i would’ve brought my ass home, usually all i get is the cold shoulder. (eyeroll) i told him this wasn’t true.  i only block him out when i have too, like after him drinking or after him saying horrible things to me. “horrible things?” yes. to which he replies..”i’m not like that.” are you fucking kidding me?

i just came upstairs and sobbed. after about 20 mins of thinking and feeling sorry for myself. i made myself get up again. i went into the bathroom and saw he had gotten piss on the floor. the floor i just mopped and disinfected today. this is a grown man we’re talking about. not a child. i cried again. and after another 10 mins, i forced myself up and went to the basement and got a suitcase. i packed up all his clothes, underwear, toothbrush, shaving crap…all of it. and then i took his shit downstairs with his work boots, threw it in front of him and went back to my room and locked the door.
now i sit here crying and typing.
tonight really made me believe that i’m doing the right thing. whatever hope i was holding onto that he might have a change of heart and start to try to put this marriage and family back together, are gone now. instead, now i have even bigger concerns about the path ahead and the safety of my children. i DONT want my kids to be around him like that and i don’t want to traumatize by my children by keeping them away from him, but if things keep taking this course what choice will i have but to seek some kind of protective guarantee through the legal system. he certainly doesn’t seem to care what i think or say or even what the kids think or say or how this will effect them in the present….or the long run.

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