enough 9/13/06

i had a follow-up appointment with my doctor today from the er visit. she’s an amazing lady. she’s seen me through some hard times and she promised me she’d see me through this one as well. she pretty much told me that the situation at home had to be resolved one way or another…with or without him, but that i couldn’t continue on like this as it is now seriously affecting my health. she told me she is going to call him and tell him that she told me to leave strictly for medical reasons, not even pertaining to an emotional level.
i tried to call him and talk to him about the whole thing and he just got all defensive and self-righteous…telling me that i was trying to blame everything on him and was putting on a show for everyone. i was actually standing in the praking lot, purposely away from everyone and everything, the kids….my mom. this was between us. i told him that and then as i continued to try and talk to him about my feelings about our relationship and how much strain it is putting on me, he laughed at me and mocked me. it only further made me realize how far gone he is. i don’t even want to talk to him anymore cause he turns everything into a blame game scenario. yes certainly there needs to be some accountability on his part, but i’m not trying to make him a bad guy. hell, he’s does a fine job without any help from me. i really don’t care what anybody else thinks or want anybody else telling me i should or shouldn’t do, cause this shit is confusing enough as it is. i’m just tired of listening to him. sick of it. after about 5 mins of listening to him go on and on, i made up my mind not to cry and told him that i couldn’t do it anymore. i said it before and i was saying it again…i wanted to separate and that we needed to sit down tonight and discuss somethings. i’m thinking there are surely things we need to discuss about the kids. he starts talking about money and how he’s not gonna pay for me to live comfortably while he has to go bum around at someone else’s house with no money.
i’ve just had enough – ENOUGH! i’m over the denial part of all of it and i know i’ve got a rough road ahead, but no matter what he says…i know the truth and i know i deserve better. not because i’m a snotty, frigid bitch…but because i give out better then what i receive and at a minimum i should expect to be treated the way i treat others.


we had the talk. actually, there wasn’t much talk about us, he didn’t even put up a fight where i was concerned. in fact, he started off talking pretty nasty to me. i tried telling him i didn’t want to fight and that this wasn’t even what i wanted, but that i had tried and that i had arrived at a point where my thinking was that i had tried long enough on my own without any help from him and now it was his turn, but really i didn’t think he cared to try and i just know i couldn’t continue to put up all the effort.  he snorted and asked how i had tried, asked me what i had done in this marriage that was so special? my jaw dropped. are you kidding me? shit- i don’t know, maybe like adopting your son and taking on the responsibility of a child for the rest of my life, standing by your side while you continually did things to jeopardize are family. but, i didn’t say that…cause really if after 8 years of being together, if  he can honestly say that to me after SEEING what i’ve done, nothing i would SAY was gonna make any difference. so, i just barked right back and was just as nasty and snotty until he did what i knew he would do. he reverted to his self-righteous, let’s be civil, and focus on the kids stuff. i’m being childish and he’s perfect act.  and that was fine. i’m really beyond caring what he thinks right now. so mostly it was about the kids and what kind of visitation we could work out that was fair to them and us. for the time being….the kids will stay put and he and i will rotate in and out of the house.  he will spend tues/thurs and every other weekend here with them and i will go stay at my folks and he will stay with his mom, brother…etc, etc. we agreed to keep the finances as is, for now…and when i get a job, he will get his own place.

i really would feel a lot better about the situation if i had my own income. actually, i’d feel a lot better if i found a job making just as much as he did, but realistically…i just want a job. so i’ll pray.

god, i can’t believe that this is happening. i didn’t ever want things to end up like this between us. i love him. i want to share my life with him. I WANT MY HUSBAND. I WANT THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN. i don’t want my kids to have to go through a divorce. i don’t want us to go through a divorce. i don’t want to bitter and hate him.

i’m off to cry myself to sleep.

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