trapped 9/12/06

well if i didn’t know before, i certainly know now, that what i have definitely isn’t a marriage. i don’t know what the hell it is, but marriage it is not. these things are pretty hard to deny when you black out in a car from a migraine and the other person doesn’t even notice. says he tried to wake me up and i brushed him off. ok, people…i don’t sleep in cars…EVER! and i don’t sleep soundly. so you think that if i had just had you pull over and was dry heaving and telling you that i felt like i was gonna pass out that if you look over and i’m slumped down with my face smashed up against the seat belt and being unresponsive….or say lethargic when you try to wake me…you might suspect something is wrong. nope. next thing i know i wake up in the parking lot at wal-mart with the 3 kids in the backseat. i didn’t know where i was and didn’t remember anything from when i had him pull over. and it’s about 40 mins later now. and even if i was just sleeping…if you couldn’t wake me up, why would you leave me in the car with 3 kids if i wasn’t coherent?!?
i think this is the final straw. i just can’t do this anymore.
oh, and this is all aside from the fact that i had gotten the same migraine on and off for 4 days and he knew how bad it was. i even came home from a girl’s night out saturday nite because of the migraine. was throwing up. told him the pain was so bad that i felt like i was going to black out. oh and did i mention that when i got back from being out that the house was trashed? there wasn’t one clean bowl or spoon for breakfast sunday morning. there was food all over the floor in the kitchen. and this is the same guy who gets all over me if the house isn’t clean. i mean, jesus, that’s a double standard if i ever saw one.
what do i do? how do i even start to dig my way out of this bullshit? i mean really, what do you do when you know it’s over, but you don’t want to uproot your kids from their home/school but the other party won’t leave either. will i have to live with him until the divorce is final?
i feel…..trapped.

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