the man i fell in love with

the man i fell in love with made an appearance wednesday. it was amazing. it was like seeing an old love that you haven’t seen in years and everything happening just the way you would want it to. he said all the right things, did all the right things. and it was sincere. he even recognized and thanked me for my efforts over the last week. he said “baby, you’ve been amazing.”
then yesterday happened.
i knew it was coming….i just knew.
it has become so apparent to me in the last few years that as people take things for granted and do not give credit where credit is due, that things get taken away until you earn a better appreciation.
he was knocked off his high horse yesterday. he was placed on a 30 day probationary period. there was no verbal or written warning, just this. out of the blue. it’s not a good thing. did i mention that in the last two weeks they have fired almost every high earning department head there? all out of the blue? seems a shame that all that going out and drinking after work that he did to “secure his job” didn’t do that at all? especially since i told him time and time again that when push came to shove these people at work whom he considers “friends”, wouldn’t be around when it really mattered and that he was pushing aside those who would, i.e. his family, in the process of trying to be “the man”. he was trying to call his boss, the womanizing rich guy whom he idolizes and thought had his back, and he wouldn’t answer. he tried to call the other people who he goes out with…they wouldn’t answer. it was just me.
and this is how it goes.
with him, it’s jobs. i can’t even tell you how many times he’s changed jobs in eight years. he either gets fired or he quits just before he’s gonna get fired. fired for not fulfilling his duties. and now…..here it comes again. he gets to the point where he gets a little to comfortable and cocky, and everything falls apart. i was hoping beyond hope that this wasn’t coming.
so what did i do?
i went out of my way to try and cheer him up yesterday. i went out and got pizza and potato skins so we could watch the first nfl game last night. i made one of his favorite dinners. i made his favorite dessert. he stopped on the way home and got a six pack. fine, whatever…he had a shitty day, game’s gonna be on. but then at dinner, he started talking about his job and what a slap in the face it was for them to do this to him. i didn’t really know what to say. i was trying to be supportive and i kept telling him that i was sorry. and he kept talking about it and while i was cleaning off the table i said, you know i really think things happen for a reason and maybe someone’s trying to tell you to redirect your efforts where they’ll be more appreciated, like at home. he got this disgusted look on his face and said, “well, i would put in more effort if i thought it would make a difference, but it won’t so, i figure why bother.” and my heart sank. instantly i got this feeling that this comment was one of those that really spoke volumes about his mentality. i mean, jesus, here i am, trying to make him happy, trying to save our marriage, trying to keep our family together and what….he’s just entitled to it? he doesn’t have to put in any effort? and why bother? hell i don’t know maybe because you love me and you love our children and our happiness is the most important thing to you. i can’t really put into words why that comment hurt so much, or why it felt like the last sentence in a novel before THE END…but it did. it ruined my mood. i didn’t even want to watch the football game. i just wanted to go curl up in a ball somewhere and cry.
then when he finished the first six pack…he had the audacity to ask me if i would go get him more beer and i just flat out refused. then he started to get dressed to leave and i asked him not to do it. i asked him what another six pack was gonna do, told him he was making me uncomfortable, that he shouldn’t get behind the wheel of a car, oh yeh…his new car…that we had to get to appease him…but he insisted and told me i left him no choice since i wouldn’t go and he was still thirsty. have some tea, i made that for him today. but he left and i just went to bed. and he stayed up and finished off another 6 pack. which let me clarify…2, 6 packs of 16 oz cans….is the equivalent of what? 16 beers? 16!!! would any normal person drink 16 glasses of anything???
one of the things on his 30 day probationary period notice was that he wasn’t there early enough in the morning to meet with contractors. his boss told him he needed to start arriving at 7 am. he left here at 7:30 this morning.
(sigh)
you know what will happen? he’ll start asking me to update and post his resume for him. he won’t appreciate it if i do and if i don’t it’ll be my fault that he didn’t have a job lined up. look, i’ve stood by him through NUMEROUS job changes and financial hardships. i’ve had to file bankruptcy because of this crap. i did all the paperwork, all the phone calls, all the follow-ups to fix our credit report. i’ve swallowed all my own fears and doubts and unsettled feelings without sharing them, without blaming him, all to be supportive and not stress out the kids. i don’t know if i can do this again. i don’t know if i can hold his hand and support him and reassure him and stand by him through this again. i’ve done it before and look where it got me. he treated me like shit, took our family for granted and walked out the door. honestly, i’m tired of being the strong one all the time. yes, i can be a rock when i need to be, i always do it, i always pull him through, i always pull our family through, i save the day and get no credit and just try to find some satisfaction in the fact that everything stays in tack, but sometimes i need a soft place to fall too and i need saving. it just sucks ten times worse when you do all this and then you don’t get the proper credit or respect you deserve, from the one person whom you expect it from and so desperately want it from.

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