what to say

i’ve sat down to make an entry and sat staring at this blank white page so many time in the last week or so. and no matter how long i sit, i just sit. i have so much wrapped up in my mind…so much i want to say, but the words don’t come. yet, i keep thinking about it. i fester over it all. i lay in bed at night and think and think and think. and now i’m thinking that maybe i think too much about what i’m thinking when i try to find words to convey what i’m thinking. so, i will ramble.
i’m tired of drama. i know i’m not CREATING it, but sometimes it just comes with the territory. just tired of it this……thing, we call a marriage. i don’t know what this is that we have between us lately. i can tell you for certain what it’s not though…it’s not marriage, or at least what it’s meant to be. marriage in my mind should be two whole combing as a whole, not two halves or one whole dragging the one half along kicking and screaming, giving pieces of themselves to try and build the other up. see, that’s what i’m doing right now. as a last ditch effort, i’ve really been trying to think of the positive. i’ve been trying to saty upbeat. i’ve been brushing aside his shitty comments, being more affectionate. putting aside my own schoolwork to make time to be with him, been trying to arouse my sexual energies….and as i’m writing this i realized…once again, i’m doing all the work and he’s reaping all the benefits, and for what?
god, i just want a normal functioning relationship. maybe the word “marriage” brings with it too many expectations. but then so would the word relationship. hell, expectations aren’t bad things…standards aren’t bad things either.i realized just now that it’s not relationships or marriage that i should be cautious of …it’s lowering my standards. so then i guess maybe i have created this problem in some way, cause i’ve continued to let things go the way they have for so long.
you know? looking back on this relationship, i see now that its always been like this. hindsight really is 20/20.
i can’t think of one reason why i’ve done that to myself. yes i can, my kids. my kids is why i’ve stayed. but still, it isn’t excuse to have been a doormat for so long. i know better.
i think my kids deserve better.
i’m starting to believe that i deserve better too.

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