Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.

A lot has changed for me over the last few months. It’s been difficult and extremely painful, but….worth it. What I mean is, that while taking inventory of yourself and your life and being accountable for things is painful at times, it leads to this beautiful breakthrough to understanding yourself.

For me the hardest thing to understand was how people had gotten this fucked up perception of me that seemed so far off of who I felt I was. I felt like a victim. I felt constantly misunderstood. I would wonder how people got this idea, where it was coming from. How did people look at me and see a bitch when inside I knew there was this genuine girl with a heart full of concern and care? How did people actually think that I treated my husband badly when I loved him more than words could say?

But the truth is that none of that was coming through, because I was angry.  People always thought I was mad, because well, I was.  I had become bitter and my bitterness clouded everything else. On top of that, because I had been too prideful to be honest with others, it wasn’t seen as bitterness, it was seen as a definitive part of who I was. I’ll own that. Had I been more honest, had I not have been so concerned with not looking like a fool, I might not have become so bitter….I might not have had to suffer alone.

There isn’t much I can do about any of this now. Surely, this has shaped things to this point, but I do have a choice to not let it shape things into the future.

You know that old saying….”don’t judge a book by it’s cover“? There is truth to that. The thing I can take away from this, is that I now hear a lot more of what’s not being said.  I am overly aware of the “real” behind the “facade”.  And I share this because I want everyone to take a little more time to listen. Really listen to people, without thinking about what you’re going to say next or what they might want you to say. Just listen.

“Really listening and suspending one’s own judgement is necessary in order to truly understand other people in their own terms.”

The BUT 9/28/06

I cannot tell you how freakin happy I am that this quarter has wrapped. It was a rough for me. I got my final grades back today and I got an A in both classes!!!!! New job is going REALLY well. Really, REALLY well. Not only do I enjoy the actual work I’m doing, but I get along well with the attorney. BUT….

the kids all have colds, which make them delightful to deal with…

and i….well, i could give TMI, but i’ll just say there is something very wrong in the place where you don’t want things to be wrong. it’s uncomfortable. it’s also made my mind spin since there have been some questions as to my husband‘s fidelity. i may be the most ignorant person on earth…. i know all men have the capacity to cheat … like i said, my head spins.  guess i’ll know for sure in the next couple days cause i have to go to the gyn today.

ugh

strange

something strange is happening here. it’s very odd. it’s not like anything i’ve ever experienced and im not quite sure what to do with it.
he’s being…. genuine. he thinks about others.
he actually has been taking out the trash, doing laundry and dishes, helping the kids with their homework…..and then tonight, in order to celebrate me finishing up another quarter at school, he stopped at a little road side stand and got me a hot apple dumpling with homemade vanilla ice cream. it’s a rare favorite. available fall only. and he hands it to me and i get this look on my face like he had just handed me an open faced shitty diaper, like i didn’t know how to accept it, or how to react to it. i look at him stunned and i say, “uhhhhhhhhh………thanks?” like it was a question. his response. he laughs, kisses me on the head and went and put the kids to bed.
i’ve had a few really strange days. his mom’s best friend’s husband committed suicide. he was a really close friend of the family. all of us refer to them as aunt and uncle. i’ve never seen my mil cry so much. it’s weird to hold someone while they cry, when they are usually the one holding you. i made a lot of arrangements for her to get out of state.
then darryl called yesterday. he was elated. his wife has finally agreed to have a baby when he gets home from iraq. part of my heart soared for him…and another part…sunk. it’s an odd thing.
everything is weird right now.
edit: (10pm)
spoke to soon. we are at beer 8 currently. he actually just slurred a whole sentence at me about how i should drink more and loosen up. yeh, looks so appealing.

Moving right along 9/25/06

I managed to finish up my final papers for class. Now it’s just a matter of finishing up the actual coursework, like reading, so that I’m prepared to take my finals tomorrow. You have no idea how happy I’ll be when this quarter is over. It’s been really rough.

On a happy note, when I scheduled my classes Friday for next quarter, my academic advisor informed me that all my tranfer credits were in order now and it appears I will be graduating with my degree next summer. Yay!

Jedi said the funniest thing this morning. I was helping him blow his nose and I said, “Man, you guys are all getting sick, what’s up with that, buddy?” He shrugged his shoudlers and walked away. About a minute later while he’s eating his cereal he turns to me and says,

Mommy, why does God make cold air if were all allergic to it?”

I love a child’s train of thought. They make a lot of sense sometimes.

Today is my first day on the new job, kinda. We’re meeting tonight at 6:30 to finish paperwork and all that good stuff. Plus, we get to go shopping so I can pick out my own fax, copier, scanner to keep at my house. I’m a girl, I love shopping.

It’ll be a busy day, but hopefully all worth it.

<<<<edit:>>>>

My one professor really helped me with spiffing up my resume for a legal position, so I wrote him an e-mail this morning thanking him for his help. He replied…

Congrats on the paralegal job, Stephanie! If your schoolwork is any indication, you should make a fine paralegal.

This is a man who was a JAG attorney. He knows his stuff. His response and his opinion really mean a lot to me. 

i will survive

i have final papers and exams due this week, so i’m hella busy.
i wish i had time to write, because i have so many things to say. lots of insight lately. some of that has been a very good thing, but it’s also depressing when you start to realize the truth of matters. this is a very painful process. i’m wickedly depressed.
but i will survive. one way or another, i will.
me and wine right now….not a good idea.
i just start preaching about relationships and saying what i really think
wanna know?
i think there is nothing really good about him. correction, there is, but it’s buried deep under some sadistic shit. i’ve figured out that ‘s it’s not really about him. it’s not the loss of him that i’m so hurt about. it’s the loss of the idea of him. since my tender years, i wanted to be a wife and a mother and i needed a husband and father. that’s what i’m mourning here. the loss of the dream and facing the ugly reality of it all.

i know i shouldn’t be thinking about this now, but i am.

i wonder if that guy is out there. that guy who is my equal, my friend, my lover, my confidant. somebody that i can yolk myself to as an equal. somebody who isn’t a half that i’m trying to make whole. somebody who compliments me. not with words…but with honor and integrity. i want that guy. and i desperately wish it was the man i was married to, but it’s not. and the sad part is that after this is all said and done with, i wonder if i will trust myself again, to make that judgment call. it will be a long time before i’m ready.
it all hurts so bad. really, really fuckin bad.
you know what he said to me tonight?
do you realize that i pay for everything here, EVERYTHING. And then I get made out to be this horrible person because i go out and drink a couple times a month? or even if it’s in a week….why should it matter?”
at this point, as hypocritical as it is, i’m pretty lit and i just looked at him and said, “oh yeh, poor you….my wife made all my dreams come true and boohoo she actually has expectations of me and cares about me and wants me around.
(sigh)
i just wish this were all over already. i wish that i was on the other side and had all this clarity about it. but, i’m right in the thick of it. there’s this small part of me that’s hoping some miracle of miracles will occur and that a man might emerge from this childish, selfish being….but the reality is, that 97% of me knows, is that it’s never gonna happen. the best crystal ball any of us have, is the past and he’s never stepped up. it just ain’t gonna happen. and really, why the hell should i even bother with someone who would even take a CHANCE of losing me?
i’m a good girl, no, im fucking fabulous and maybe just maybe there are guys out there who still wants that…instead of just a good time.

quote of the day: “what the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.”

The interview 9/19/06

Today is the big day. The interview for the paralegal position. This isn’t the law firm from last week, this is different, but so much better. In fact, it’s like divine intervention. The money is good….really good.  The experience would be invaluable, because it’s not just legal work, but it’s pertaining to family law….exactly what I want to go into. But the best part is that this attorney is just getting her family law practice started after being a family court judge, so I can WORK FROM HOME for now and as her practice grows….I’ll grow with it. Plus, I’ll get to go downtown to the courthouse a couple times a week for filings which is great networking.

If I could’ve written my own job description…this would have been EXACTLY what I wanted.

Send your good mojo.

THANK YOU GOD!!!

the backstory:
last week there was a two line ad in the paper for a legal assistant with a request to reply to a website. said website was listed wrong. but with a little background search through the legal world i was able to find said attorneys REAL website and do a little background check on the attorney. she is a sole proprietor as a family law attorney. she used to be the family court attorney for the county we live in. this intrigued me because as most of you know my dream would be to continue school all the way through law school and become a family law attorney. so i drafted a really nice cover letter, spiffed up my resume and sent it away.
tonight, after being completely miffed over another promise broken by him and think that my life could not possibly get any worse than in felt in that moment, my cell rang and guess who it was?
but it gets better….not only is she really interested in me and was she impressed with my cover letter and resume, she is just getting her practice off the ground and so i could work FROM HOME! she couldn’t put that in the ad though. she said i would meet with her once a day to pick up legal briefs to be completed at home on my won schedule and she would just like me to run small errands, about 1 hr a day and then go to the courthouse downtown a couple times a week for filings and so on and so forth. can you believe that? i couldn’t have written a dream job description better myself. plus, she said she’s been bombarded with cases and that she really thinks, just couldn’t promise that there would be room for advancement and basically i’d be coming on board to help with the start-up. how awesome is that? i could start there, continue my education and possibly end up with a fabulous career position within the same practice. we hit it off really well over the phone too. she said she needs someone to get started right away and wanted to meet with me tomorrow night.
if i can land this job it would be an answer to prayer.
quote of the day: the darkest hour is always just before dawn.

E. R. + ME = B. F. F.

I have been to the emergency room three times this week. THREE.


First time was Sunday when I passed out.  I had a migraine the night before that cut a Girl’s Night Out short.  The migraine lead to alot of nausea and vomiting and loss of sleep, plus the already exsistent mental and emotional strain I’ve been under and the fact that Im not eating much here lately. I got dehydrated, I was exhausted and so my body just gave out on me per the doctor’s explanation. It wasn’t so horrible an ordeal after they knocked me out with morphine for awhile. They were gonna keep me overnight, but I opted to spare myself the additional medical costs and go home with doctor’s orders to avoid stress. HAHAHAHAHA! Sorry.


Wednesday I got a call from Pickle’s teacher saying that he wasn’t acting like himself, was seeing weird behavior from him and confusion. I went and picked him up early and called his neurologist. She said to add the medicine we had just weaned him off of back into his epilepsy medication regime and to see how it did. Thursday was just bizarre with him. He went back and forth from bouncing off the walls to not being able to keep his eyes open and so…I had to take him to Children’s ER downtown for blood work and a neurological exam by the neurologist on call. His medication levels were out of whack and so they gave him an anti-eplicitc medication and sent us on our way.


Then last night….omg, last night. Brace yourselves.


We were out in the yard finishing up the slide and rock wall addition to the kids swingset, when Diva thought she saw a spider on Jedi’s head and so she…..(brace yourselves) picked up a hammer and whacked him in the head with it. I have never been that scared in all my life. I have never seen that much blood in all my life. I practically jumped from the top of the slide and ran to him, put my hand over the blood, swooped him up in my arms and ran into the house.  He’s screaming…”IS THAT MY BLOOD? IS THAT BLOOD?” Hubby is telling me to move my hand so he can look at it, Jedi’s screaming for me to put my hand back, I’m screaming for a towel, I’m screaming for the phone telling him to call my Dad so we can get him to the ER since he cant exactly leave things as is, Diva’s crying and saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” I tell my Dad to come get me. Pickle starts freaking out and crying cause there is blood everywhere at this point. My Dad shows up and all the color leaves his face at the sight of me and Jedi covered in all this blood. We bolt to the emergency room. Jedi’s eyes start rolling back in his head in the van and I have to keep raising my voice to startle him and keep him awake. When his eyes are open they are moving left to right very fast. When we get to the ER people are gasping at the sight of us and moving out of the way. The nurses come and take us right back to a suture room. And by the time they take the towel off his head, it has clotted and stopped bleeding. They go through all his stats and vitals and start cleaning him up and a nurse turns to me, hands me a towel and says, you might want to go in the patient restroom and clean up. When I finally take a look at myself, I’m covered in blood. It’s all over my face, my neck, my shirt, my entire left arm is covered from elbow to fingertip, it’s on my left pant leg and then my entire left foot and flip flop is covered. For all of that…..he needed 2, TWO, stitches. Well, they did a CT scan of his head too because of the eyes moving back and forth (which apparently is called stigmatic) and because of his eyes rolling back in his head. Thankfully, and quite miraculously in my opinion, there was no fracture to his skull and no internal bleeding.


And it doesn’t end.


Pickle was out of sorts again this morning….so Wednesday afternoon they are going to admit him for a 24 EEG again.


I’m doing fabulous at this avoiding stress thing, huh?


Did I mention I have two final papers and exams to do by next Wednesday?


You know how they say God will  never give you more than you can handle….could someone please put a word in for me.

today was even worse

i cried so hard today that i actually couldn’t breathe. i’ve only ever actually heard one other person cry like that ever. it scared me that i found myself balled up on the floor of the bathroom in the fetal position crying like that. i’m getting worried…about myself. i keep waiting, praying, hoping beyond all hope that some miracle is going to cure that’s gonna stop all of this. heal all of this. i guess i’m desperately wanting to be saved and perhaps the only person who’s going to do that is me.
i woke up this morning to him trying to get in bed with me. he asked my son, who had crawled in bed with me after a bad dream, to move so he could lay next to me. i just kept hugging my son. he snorts and rolls over. my son offers to move so he can lay next to me to which he replies, “it’s ok, she doesn’t want me. she’s just being mean” then my oldest son came in and asks if he would make him bacon for breakfast, he replies no and when he asks me…another snort and he chimes in “she doesn’t cook breakfast, she might pour you a bowl of cereal but she won’t cook you nothing.

is this really happening? did i really stay home with my kids last night, make them dinner, tuck them in and watch them worry about where daddy was, all while he’s out getting hammered, to have him come home and ridicule me in front of my children? these words…this game he is playing is ABSOLUTELY, without a doubt, the worst thing you can do to your child and it has bad consequences which i really don’t want to subject them to.
i retreat to the kitchen, phone rings. his brother j whom i made the mistake of actually thinking might talk some sense into his sibling. i tried to talk to him about the situation and boy, was that a mistake. really, i want to believe that i can’t fault him for his actions or words, because #1- he’s relying on my husband‘s word and #2- he desperately wants to believe his brother. they’re family, i get it. but at some point if you really care about someone and you see that there is someone else who really cares about them and is asking for your help, shouldn’t stop enabling your family member for one minute, to think about what might be in their best interest? shit….that’s hair-brained of me. because they all drink and are verbally abusive, so to acknowledge that this behavior is wrong, would be admitting he was wrong too. but it left me feeling like i was trapped in the twilight zone or something, where common sense isn’t so common and i just felt like i was losing it. this is the part where i ended up on the bathroom floor sobbing and gasping for breath.
he played the concerned husband for all of 10, maybe 20 mins and then reverted back to his self-absorbed ways. i don’t even feel like writing all the bullshit he spouted out. except for two parts. the one where i told him his actions had now scared me into questioning whether i could trust him to be alone with the kids and the part when i asked him to sign something saying that he wouldn’t be under the influence of drug and alcohol while the kids were in his care and he refused. those stand out. also the part when he agreed he would leave the house, only to call me later and tell me he wouldn’t be leaving until he speaks to an attorney, which just subjects me and the kids to his roller coaster, volatile ways, which is everything i’m trying to avoid.
again, i feel trapped.
several people have said to me today that this is going to get nasty because that’s his nature. i’m starting to really fear that when he backs me into a corner, that i’m gonna have to get some claws. i have them, really, i do. but in all honesty, i just don’t treat people like this. i wouldn’t treat someone i really didn’t like the way he treats me, much less someone who i love and have made a life with and born children for. stop. look at what i just wrote. i wouldn’t treat someone i didn’t like the way he treats me. what does that say about how much he “loves” me? what does that say about how much he thinks of me? respects me? appreciates me?
wow. that’s depressing.