round and round we go

yesterday afternoon i was trying to write a 5 page paper about lawsuit jurisdiction and he’s calling me from work and talking to me about trading in the cars like nothing happened last night. i decided to tell him that the oldest son was upset this morning about him drinking last night. i told him it was one thing for him to hurt me, but i don’t like to see my kids hurt, kinda like shame on you for doing it but shame on me for letting it continue. I talked about it calmly. i told him i wasn’t trying to toss accusations at him, but it upset me that he had said anything on the subject. he didn’t really say much and then he calls me back, his whole demeanor changed, i’m guessing someone must’ve been nearby so he shut up when i talked to him before or he got off the phone and called someone else. anyways, he starts telling me that there wasn’t anything so horrible about him drinking last night and that our son is just playing both of us against each other because he knows it’s been an issue in the past when he’s drank and has been irresponsible and got behind the wheel of a car or had been watching the kids or whatever, but he thinks that  I should have explained to him that there wasn’t anything horrible about Daddy watching football and drinking 10 beers and eating peanuts. because he works hard and takes care of everything else. 

so now it’s my fault? he said no, i’m just saying you could’ve defended me

i said i think you should tell him that yourself and he goes i will, i’m just sayin i think it’s fucked up that are kids are in the middle of this shit now and that i can’t have 10 beers cause our relationship is fucked up.

i just sat there, i didn’t know what to say.

i started to say that he needs to understand that regardless, our kids and i will have feelings about what he does or doesn’t do because we’re human and he should still be considerate of them.  

so then he starts telling me about his head is in this really fucked up place right now because of what’s going on between us, and I just couldn’t resist asking wtf was so horrible about this weekend? what did i do now?

he said nothing i just wanted more affection so i tried explaining that i was trying to give him affection but he kept making it about sex and he said what’s so horrible about sex with me and me wanting it? and i said nothing as long as it’s not all you want

and then i said what about the fact that i have needs for compassion and respect and intimacy and consideration? and the whole time he was saying yeh me too

me too

me too

finally I just yelled into the phone: LISTEN! I’m trying, i’m giving you an effort, but i can’t control what you make of that effort and whether you’re gonna see it as enough that i’m trying or not enough because it’s not exactly what you want

and he said it’s wasn’t about  what he wanted, that this had nothing to do with that and why was i trying to change the subject when he made a point?

wtf? what point? are you kidding me…this has everything to do with him not getting exactly what he wants, that’s all this is about. hell, it might be all our relationship has ever been about. even as a boyfriend he wasn’t much of a friend to me…maybe when he wanted to be, on a really good day, or week..if we were lucky a month…but it always came back around to what was missing for hima nd how i could fix it and god knows i’ve tried, but at some point you just gotta face that if someone is miserable, there isn’t shit you can do to make them happy and if someone doesn’t love you, you can’t make them do that either.

he called me again on his way home and started telling me that we needed to talk. that we needed to decide whether we were gonna make an honest effort or go our seperate ways. he said it was time for him to “shit or get off the pot”. i concur. he said when we first met that we used to stay up all night on the phone talking and we always had something to say and that somewhere along the line, that passion between us died. he thought it was because we had kids and that it would come back, but it never did. he said he’d been lazy in our relationship and that he wanted that back. i agreed to talk to him when he got home, but told him i did need to finish my schoolwork up.

when he got home, he gave me a teddy bear with one of his company’s logo-ed t-shirts on. he had brought one home for our daughter a couple weeks ago and i had joked around about how i wanted one. so i laughed about it and thanked him. we exchanged a hug and a kiss. i asked him to listen to my legal jurisdiction paper, figuring if he could grasp the concept behind it, then i had done really well writing it. i read it. he understood. then he shut my laptop and told me to come with him. i asked where we were going. he told me he wasn’t asking me, i just needed to go. i thought maybe, just maybe he might take me over to the couch and sit down and try to talk with me. no…he starts leading me upstairs. i said where are we going? he said upstairs. i asked to have sex? and he smiled. so i pulled my hand away and told him i didn’t want to have sex. he plopped down on the stairs and started pouting. then he started asking me what was so horrible about sex with him and telling me that i make him feel disgusting and unattractive, like nobody would want him. i corrected him and said, no…you make yourself feel that way, i never said anything like or eluded to anything like that cause it’s not that way. well then what’s the problem he asks? uhhh…maybe that you’re all over the place and your never happy when you do get it anyways, so i’d rather not feel like a disposable fuckhole that’s being used when i feel no connection…i’m not the kind of girl who has ever slept around casually and i need a connection with somebody or i very cheap. he starts telling me how ridiculous i am and that he’s my husband. so i looked him square in the eye and told him to act like it.

at this point he’s just acting weird…he’s flying off the handle and being irrational. i asked him if this was the honest effort he was putting forth.  he ignored me and went and got our oldest son. he went into the whole schpeel with him about how he’s a grown man and if he wants to have 10 beers and watch football he can and that i only get upset when he drinks and isn’t responsible, not everytime. and that he goes to work and pays for everything…EVERYTHING and  takes care of everything so he is allowed to drink beer if he wants to.  my son didn’t know what to say. i just interjected that i thought he should still take into consideration how it makes us feel whether he understands it or not. he could’ve choose not to buy it after our son asked him not to, he could’ve choose to go watch football and drink at a buddies’ house. i served everyone their dinner and he sat at the table casting me looks. so i asked what the problem was and he said he was lonely. my oldest son said, dad you’re not lonely, we’re right here. and my youngest son goes yeh daddy, lonely means that your like lost in the woods by yourself and you’re not, you have a family and we’re here. so he looks at both of them and says well, i know you guys are with me and then he just cast me a hateful look. my oldest son cut me a look like his dad was losing his damn mind and i just threw my hands up in the air and left the room.

it gets even weirder.

after he’s done eating he starts asking me if the kids have been outside today. i tell him no, because i have all this homework to finish and he just looks at me like im a piece of shit.  normally, i take the kids to the park, the library, the ymca… i do something with them almost everyday so this whole attitude pissed me. he never acknowledges it when i do do it, but now he’s gloating cause i didn’t do it one day?!? then he starts asking me what i did all day. i just ignored him. then he started telling the kids to get their shoes on so they could go to the store. i asked what he was going to the store for and he told me it was none of my god damned business. alrighty. so i just mumble that their isn’t any money in our spending account. his response? well i work everyday and i need a can of chew and i’m gonna go get it- deal with it! alrighty. then he starts digging around in his wallet and digs out a credit card, he asks how much is available on it? ok- here’s a clue…if you think there isn’t enough for a can of chew…you probably shouldn’t keep charging shit to it. i don’t say this, i just say i don’t know. as he’s calling to find out, and i’m watching him act like a maniac, i tell him i don’t want him to take the kids anywhere, that he’s been irrational and he’s scaring me and i wouldn’t feel comfortable with him leaving with them. he goes outside and starts playing with the kids.  when i come out he starts bitching about the yard needing picked up and asks our oldest son to do it tomorrow. it’s like he’s picking on every little fault around him or something and he’s being really snide with me. then he leaves to get his can of chew and comes back. he stays outside with the kids for awhile and brings them in. he stops and asks me if there is anything he can do to help. he acts as if nothing’s happened. i tell him just keeping the kids out my hair is helping.

a little while later…he comes and asks me if i want to take a break and go get an ice cream with him and the kids. so i do. we come back. he deals with the kids and puts them to bed, then watches tv. he sits down at his computer for awhile at the table with me. he asks me if it offends me to know whether or not he jerks off. ummm, i dont’ know. does that turn you on?  not really. then he asks if i want to see something on his computer? hmmm, i don’t know probably not. he says something about two girls. i ignore him. he takes his computer in the other room. tells me he’s going to bed. comes back about 30 minutes later. waits for me to finish my schoolwork and then goes up to bed with me. he falls asleep pretty quick.

i don’t sleep.

i just lay there thinking….stewing…wondering if  this man has a borderline personality or bipolar disorder…wondering if he’s using drugs… wondering if he’s having an affair…..wondering how i ended up in a marriage where i do all the giving and never get any credit except fault, wondering how to get out, wondering how to keep my kids safe at the same time…wondering if it can really  get better or if this is as good as it gets.

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