there’s work to do

i was offered and accepted a job thursday. it’s not anything i’m going to make a career out of. just working night stock a couple of nights a week at a department store. pay isn’t very good, but i figure if i took a job during the day and paid childcare, i’d make less anyhow. i don’t sleep much these days anyways and i figure any extra money i can put towards paying off our mutual debts is in my best interest.

we had counseling thursday afternoon. it was the same old same old. him blaming me for everything and me sitting there in disbelief at his perception of things. i told the counselor the embarrassing story about the blow job in the car. when he told his side of the story it was like i was this frigid bitch who didn’t want to perform any sexual favors, was doing so to “manipulate “our situation and totally frustrated him because i was trying to “control and direct” him the entire time. this is what i get for being spontaneous and asking him to take a more secluded road for a little rendezvous. whatever. and he kept saying that i wanted a man who was a “jellyfish” and would just go along with whatever i wanted.

i don’t know who used the term jellyfish with him but he kept saying it in a way that he was proud of himself for using it. very strange. and the most interesting thing about this to me, is that it’s like he’s accusing me of wanting what he wants. you know, he wants to be able to come and go as he pleases and for me to just go along and adore him for the little scraps of respect and admiration he might toss my way.

the counselor kept asking him how he was so sure that i wasn’t interested in him and asking him how he arrived at this interpretation of the events of the blow job, when everything leading up to that was fine and in good spirits. he says that i never want to be affectionate with him and i told him that i try but he ALWAYS makes it about sex and it gets old. he says it’s bullshit that he gives me affection all the time without expecting sex. the counselor keeps telling him over and over that his actions are very contradicted to his words, that he can’t really say or expect me to love and adore him when he’s disrespectful and combative all the time and asked if he understood that he was pushing me away and then expecting me to compensate for the space between us. he doesn’t get it. when we left, he started telling me in the car about how this job is a waste of time for shit money and when he realized that he had said something again that was offensive he added, “because i think you’re worth more than that“.

we had dinner at his mom’s house that night. i broke down and  cried in the kitchen while i was trying to make the kids’ dinner plates because he was being so combative and blaming me for everything the kids did. his mom just hugged me and said she was sorry. when we got home he hounded me so much about sex that i decided to sleep on the couch.

friday morning  i woke up to my daughter standing in front of me with wet pajamas and when i went upstairs to clean up her bed sheets they were dry. turns out she had wet in my bed. so i ripped all the sheets off the bed and was waiting for him to get out of the shower to get the laundry basket out of the bathroom. so i laid on the dry part of the bed on my stomach with my eyes closed. he came in and questioned what i had done to the bed and i had to tell him that our daughter had wet. then he started groping and fondling  my ass with much persistence. then i laid there and cried. 

it just doesn’t feel right anymore. i feel used and bullied into it, like if i don’t he’ll just treat me worse. to do it with him now would be like sex to have sex, not sex to further acclimate our relationship. maybe he was just in a hurry to get ready for work, but he didn’t really seem to care much, that i was crying.

our oldest son, who is cognitively disabled, ended up wetting his bed too, but he decided to get up and get dressed and not clean it up. so while i was dealing with this, i guess the two younger ones were pestering their dad for breakfast and he told them to come ask me and i yelled down the stairs that i was dealing with getting our other son cleaned up. when i came downstairs, he has this shitty attitude and starts asking me what the hell is going on. by now im agitated that he’s making such a big deal out of the thing and start explaining it what had happened and his response was “well, let’s just shoot him. you know, accidents happen.” excuse me? i wasn’t yelling at our son or making a big deal out of the fact that he had wet the  bed, i’m upset because HE was being a selfish asshole and had his shorts in a wad about getting out the door to work and being “bothered” by the other kids. funny, how time wasn’t an issue when he needed to get his dick wet. then he’s looking at me and telling me that i need to calm down and there wasn’t any need to get all bent out of shape and yell over our son wetting the bed. HELLO?!? it’s not about that. so then of course he has to go, he’s late, he has somewhere to be, people waiting on him, his job and his paycheck and his income. this was a whole argument that continued on his cell phone while he drove into work. i was able to calm down and explain that i wasn’t upset about our son wetting, that HE was the one that had made the situation worse and that it wasn’t fair that he got to do whatever he wanted and say whatever he wanted, act like im crazy when after he pushes all my buttons and is making me feel at fault for circumstances that are out of my control and then walk out the door, go to work, forget about, while i have to be at home and stew over it all day.

i had a four and a half hour orientation at work friday evening. he calls me 20 mins before im supposed to go to work to tell me he has to work late and that he also has to finish up a side job. i had made arrangements for my parents to watch the kids until he got home, as this is the only time i will need to be at work at the same time he does. he starts telling me about how bad and stressful his day has been and im running around putting the kids in the car and getting all my paperwork together. he asks why my mom isn’t just watching the kids at our house and i have to remind him that he said he didn’t want her in his house anymore because she disrespected him. he starts huffing and puffing and saying he doesn’t mind if she’s watching the kid. i tell him i have to go, i have to be at work soon and as he hangs up i mutter to myself, “good luck on your first day, babe.” after i drop the kids off he calls me back and starts going off on me about why i said he didn’t want my mom in our house right in front of her and i have no idea what he’s talking about. i tell him i just dropped the kids off at her house just like i told him and he starts telling me that he heard her in the car and i said no she was at her house, i was in the car with the kids, but aside from that, i told her about what you said when i asked her what she had said to you that made you feel so disrespected. then he’s like oh great, thanks. again, my fault. so finally i start telling him that i have to be at work in 10 mins and i really don’t have time for this and he goes, “hey im sorry i didn’t tell you good luck earlier, im just really busy and have a lot going on.” and i said i know, you’re always preoccupied, don’t worry about it. then i call my dad crying and telling about my husband being late and asking if he can cover or if i should just call my supervisor and tell her i need to come in for a different orientation time. he tells me he’ll take care of it, not to worry, just to calm down and get myself together and focus on work. when i got home at 9:45 my dad was gone and husband was home. he tells me he had only gotten home 15 minutes ago. he smells like beer. he says he only had 2 or 3. he says he’s hungry and asks if i want to order a pizza, but ends up getting in bed and going back and forth between snoring and talking about having sex and wanting to give me an orgasm. i told him if he wants to do something nice for me, to get up with the kids the next morning and let me sleep in.  which he did. and i was thankful. i was also appreciative and affectionate.

he talked about sex all day long saturday. sure it was complimentary i guess and i guess he would probably consider it affection and attention and would probably love it if i did it to him all the time, but to me it was endless groping and fondling to make what he wanted. it was obnoxious. but i smiled through gritted teeth and pushed on. we made plans to go out to a car dealership…AGAIN…to discuss trading in his truck..AGAIN and we had decided to coordinate this at the same time my parents were going to take the kids to the movies saturday afternoon. there was a small snag in our plan, because our youngest son, who just got his cast off of a broken arm, ended up falling and splitting his lip and we got to take a trip to the ER to get him four stitches but, he was determined to still go to the movies with his grandparents and so we went to the dealership. on the way out to the dealership he needed gas and asked for the debit card. i asked him what had happened to the $100 he had at the beginning of the week and he said he had used it all on gas. a $100 on gas in one week is just ridiculous and untrue, but not worth pushing the issue cause then i’m just a controlling bitch. just trying to get him to decide what he wanted to “eat” for dinner turned into a conversation about oral sex. we ended up grabbing a pizza at an old-time italian restaurant and that was ok. it would have been better if the conversation wasn’t about sex. like if he ever had anything of substance to say.

he let me sleep in again sunday but climbed in bed with me around 10:30 and started groping me and telling me about how he had jerked off this morning because he was so hot thinking about me doing “dirty things” to him. i tried to redirect him a little and keep it affectionate. by holding him and rubbing his head and stroking his arm, but everything i did, turned into more groping and more sex talk. then he told me that i wasn’t interested in him. seriously? wtf? i tried to point out that i was being affectionate, but that i wasn’t being sexual and that he wasn’t satisfied or appreciative of it simply because he wanted something else. he turned his back to me and told me that he wanted to bite me all over and be playful and that i was rejecting him. mind you, our kids are up and our bedroom door is open this whole time and i point this out to him and he says, “so? don’t you think i’ll here them coming?”  he again, starts biting me all over, which i totally don’t get off on, and one of the kids comes up and he starts yelling at them to go downstairs and when i tell him he’s not really being fair to anybody because he’s so concerned about what he wants, he just says, “they never listen.” maybe because you’re not interested in making them listen consistently unless there is something in it for you?

finally, i roll over and take my underwear off and he just sits on the edge of the bed, like he’s waiting for me to make some move and then he turns his back to me. i ask him if he wants to have sex and he pouts and mumbles that he does, but not until i want it. again, i spent the rest of the day, trying to give him affection here and there, hugs, touches, little kisses, which always turned into him groping me, sticking his head in my cleavage and making sexual comments.

he started drinking around 4 while he was watching football and i was doing schoolwork. he started opening drinks for me and telling me i needed to loosen up and maybe then i’d be more into him.  ridiculous. at one point, i took a break from schoolwork and went and sat over on the couch with him and the kids. he seemed to be in pretty good spirits and was kidding around with the kids and then all of sudden it went downhill. his whole demeanor changed in about 5 minutes. he started getting sullen and it was almost as if you could see him sinking into this hole of self pity. he started talking about how i didn’t want him and was never interested in him and just went on and on, that i think he’s disgusting and how do i think it makes him feel when he tries to kiss me and i say “eww.” i explained that had happened one time, yesterday, on the way home from the pizza shop and i had said it because he kissed me with a wad of chewing tobacco in his lip and he had just spit out the window and had a piece of that shit on his lip and it is disgusting. i told him it just sounded like he wanted to focus on something negative to have an excuse to finish off his 12 pack.  he kept going on and on for the next couple hours, all while i’m trying to do my homework.  i tried to not reply because no matter what i say, it’s not enough to fill whatever void, that im sure i’ve created. then he said, “you didn’t even say anything, you just agreed“. i said “no matter what i do, i’m screwed so im just choosing to keep my mouth shut. make of it what you will, you do anyways“. and the more he drank the weirder the comments became.

at dinner he actually admitted to our oldest son that he used to think i was spoiled and it turns out he is, because he throws a fit anytime he doesn’t get his way.  a little later, he was talking about seeing slayer in 1987 and asked where i was and i answered probably 3rd grade, which led to him saying wow, we really are different but he wouldn’t have anything that he has if it wasn’t for me.  then a little later it was do i think we’re too different and that there is too much hurt in our past that keeps us from moving forward. this i actually replied “no, it shaped where we are now, but it doesn’t have to affect what we become in the future” and went back to doing homework.  a little later it was what would i do if his dick was bigger and thicker.  i replied that i liked his penis just fine the way it was, and the issue wasn’t his penis, but his actions and that what our counselor keeps trying to get him to realize. that he needs to work on being self-sustaining in his happiness instead of dependent on me and other things to do it for him. that he should be able to look at his life and be satisfied with what he produces and that anything else is like a bonus.  then he said “well what if i get so good and happy being independent that i don’t need anybody, wouldn’t that make me selfish?”  i just told him he was impossible and would find the negative to anything and then i just shut-up and guess what? he did exactly what i thought he would do.he drank himself into a stupor and cranked up his death metal music and stumbled around, playing air guitar with his eyes closed.

 i went up to bed around 12:30am and he stayed downstairs although he kept coming up to piss and spit out his chew and then go back down to put in a new one in every 15 minutes, because that’s what he does when he’s drunk. and i just laid in bed and stared at the ceiling and went in the bathroom after him, cleaning up piss off the floor and once emptying a sink full of water and chewing tobacco. ah, the good life. then of course he’s running late for work this morning and he asks me to get up and get out his clothes for him. funny, considering how adamant he was about getting to work on time friday and how it’s his job and his paycheck.

i don’t even know what to do. i know it’s over. i do. i guess i hope beyond hope that he’ll have some huge epiphany and decide to make the most of his life and his family. i guess i want to believe that he wants to change his family’s legacy of substance abuse and bad marriages to make a different legacy for his children’s sake and it’s just not going to happen. i don’t want to put my children through a divorce and visitations and the bitterness and fighting that i know will come along with it, because he’ll just make things as difficult as possible for me, without regard for how it affects his children. i don’t know where to go from here. i have no idea.

the more time i spend around him, the more and more i realize how different we are and how little hope there is for this “marriage” of ours to go anywhere but it’s unavoidable end. i hate to say that. every effort i make, and i am struggling to make any effort with him at this point, just seems futile. basically, i’m damned if i do and i’m damned if i don’t.

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