i don’t know what’s going on

this whole situation here at home is making me ill … physically.

he ended up showing back up sunday night around 10:30pm. when i asked him what he was doing he asked me if the kids were up and said he wanted to spend time with them, that he missed them. he put a movie on and pulled our the sleeper sofa. he and the two little ones slept there and i in my bed alone.  i tossed and turned all night, just unable to shut up my stupid mind and all its stupid thoughts. i must have been exhausted because i didn’t even hear him leave monday morning for work. i woke up with a headache, that got progressively worst and by noon, it was a full-blown migraine. i realized i hadn’t eaten anything and tried to eat but ended up throwing everything up.  there was so much pressure in my head that it felt like one of my eyes or my teeth would pop out. so i called the doctor’s office and the doctor told me to come right in. my mom had to drive me because the pain was so bad and i was so queasy. she sat in the car for over an hour with the kids in the parking lot while i laid on a table in an exam room, throwing up into a trash can. doctor came in a rubbed her hand over my head and said,

you know this is all stress related, right?

she knows about my whole situation. aside from being my doctor for over 8 years now, she also attends the same church i do, she’s incredibly sweet and has become somewhat of a confidant. things have gotten so bad, that she put me on an antidepressant a little over a week ago. it doesn’t make me numb, but it does help me deal. i needed it, i was feeling like i was going to have a mental breakdown and i just don’t have time for that. kids need me. i won’t even tell him about it, because he’ll use it against me. he’s done it before.

anyways, i had to get a shot, in the butt and about 10 minutes later i walked out of the doctor’s office, feeling loony and out of it but not like i want to rip my head open and removes my insides. of course, i rushed around to pay bills and right home to get dinner ready so i wouldn’t have to say anything to him about or ask him for any help.

when he got home, we were already eating dinner. the kids at the table and me in front of my computer doing homework frantically. my oldest son, let the beans spill that i had had a real bad headache earlier and thrown up and had to get a shot in my butt. he asked me what had happened and asked me why i didn’t call him. i told him he wouldn’t have been able to do anything and the last time i asked him to go pay the mortgage or backed out of making dinner he got pissed at me. when i was done eating he took my plate into the kitchen and washed a sink full of dishes. when i heard the water running and went in and saw him doing dishes, i was kind of shocked, so i asked him what he was doing. he told me i had a lot of homework and he was just trying to help. i told him to be careful, it almost sounded like he cared and was almost like being married to someone. he told me he just wanted me to appreciate it and i did thank him many times throughout the night. i even made a dessert since he had cleaned the pan. he told me before he went to bed that i needed to cancel our counseling appointment for Tuesday night because he had to stay at work late for a meet and greet. they have a new manager so they do this thing. he went to bed around 10, i went to bed around midnight cause i stayed up working on homework that late.

he started to talk to me about something this morning, but i was out of it and he said something that he would call me later. i ended up calling him around 10:30 when i found a picture of my youngest son in the local paper. i was so proud and wanted to share it with him. he couldn’t talk. i called him around 2 to ask if he had seen it yet and made him go find a paper in his office. i asked him if he was coming home tonight. he kinda snorted at the suggestion and said, yeh. i told him i was just gonna have a pizza night with my parents since he wouldn’t be around and i had so much work to finish. he said that he thought his other boss, the single, rich, snobby guy he idolizes for his “rock star” lifestyle, was taking the department heads out for dinner after this thing. he said he would call me later and let me know what was going on as the night went on and im glad i didn’t hold my breath, because here it is nearly 10:30 and I haven’t heard a peep from him.

you think the asshole could at least call and tell his kids good-night when he does this shit. oh well i guess it’s better that he doesn’t pretend to care and i don’t force him.

this shit makes no sense at all.

i was talking to my mom about it today and telling her about how he left and then he came back and she said,

he probably didn’t get the reaction he wanted from you and so it lost it’s purpose.

hadn’t really thought of it like that.

he’s all over the place and doesn’t make much sense and i just bide my time and bite my tongue so that he can’t place shit on me anymore.

it is what it is, i suppose.

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