Today is …… (drumroll)……..the first day of school.

WOoHOo! I made it through the summer with all three kids home and taking on college courses myself.

Did I mention I made the Dean’s List last quarter? yay! GO ME!

Anyways today is Pickle’s first day of school. He was actually excited to get up this morning and put on his new school clothes. He’s really into military stuff right now, so I got him a pair of camo pants and a really cool military screened polo shirt. He even got up and brushed his teeth and spiked his mohawk up all by himself. Yes, he has a mohawk haircut. This may surprise some of you, but really…I think it’s cool and it was his decision and I’m just happy he’s expressing himself in a way that isn’t so mainstream. I like that he has some originality. Plus, I figure by encouraging him in what he thought was rebellious, he might not rebel so much….lol. Yeh, no such luck I’m sure…but it’s a theory.

Tomorrow is Jedi’s very first day of school. I can’t believe my peanut is going to kindergarten. Amazing. We were just discussing last night that when Pickle started kindergarten, it was 2001 and September 11th happened his second week of school.

September 11th, I can remember holding Jedi in my arms, rocking him while he took his bottle and gasping and crying while I was watching the second plane hit the World Trade Center. That will be branded in my brain forever. That was 5 years ago! Doesn’t it seem like just yesterday to anyone but me? Weird.  Anyways, it’s only 1/2 day kindergarten here, so I signed him and Diva up for swim lessons in the morning and he’ll still get to go to the YMCA with us in the mornings.

It’s actually gonna work out quite nice because he’ll get on the bus at 12:30, which is when I put Diva down for her nap. So it won’t be so hard on her to be home by herself with Mom, while her big brothers are off at school. Plus, I can use that free time to do schoolwork.

Totally focused on schoolwork time? I won’t even know how to act without distractions…lol.

round and round we go

yesterday afternoon i was trying to write a 5 page paper about lawsuit jurisdiction and he’s calling me from work and talking to me about trading in the cars like nothing happened last night. i decided to tell him that the oldest son was upset this morning about him drinking last night. i told him it was one thing for him to hurt me, but i don’t like to see my kids hurt, kinda like shame on you for doing it but shame on me for letting it continue. I talked about it calmly. i told him i wasn’t trying to toss accusations at him, but it upset me that he had said anything on the subject. he didn’t really say much and then he calls me back, his whole demeanor changed, i’m guessing someone must’ve been nearby so he shut up when i talked to him before or he got off the phone and called someone else. anyways, he starts telling me that there wasn’t anything so horrible about him drinking last night and that our son is just playing both of us against each other because he knows it’s been an issue in the past when he’s drank and has been irresponsible and got behind the wheel of a car or had been watching the kids or whatever, but he thinks that  I should have explained to him that there wasn’t anything horrible about Daddy watching football and drinking 10 beers and eating peanuts. because he works hard and takes care of everything else. 

so now it’s my fault? he said no, i’m just saying you could’ve defended me

i said i think you should tell him that yourself and he goes i will, i’m just sayin i think it’s fucked up that are kids are in the middle of this shit now and that i can’t have 10 beers cause our relationship is fucked up.

i just sat there, i didn’t know what to say.

i started to say that he needs to understand that regardless, our kids and i will have feelings about what he does or doesn’t do because we’re human and he should still be considerate of them.  

so then he starts telling me about his head is in this really fucked up place right now because of what’s going on between us, and I just couldn’t resist asking wtf was so horrible about this weekend? what did i do now?

he said nothing i just wanted more affection so i tried explaining that i was trying to give him affection but he kept making it about sex and he said what’s so horrible about sex with me and me wanting it? and i said nothing as long as it’s not all you want

and then i said what about the fact that i have needs for compassion and respect and intimacy and consideration? and the whole time he was saying yeh me too

me too

me too

finally I just yelled into the phone: LISTEN! I’m trying, i’m giving you an effort, but i can’t control what you make of that effort and whether you’re gonna see it as enough that i’m trying or not enough because it’s not exactly what you want

and he said it’s wasn’t about  what he wanted, that this had nothing to do with that and why was i trying to change the subject when he made a point?

wtf? what point? are you kidding me…this has everything to do with him not getting exactly what he wants, that’s all this is about. hell, it might be all our relationship has ever been about. even as a boyfriend he wasn’t much of a friend to me…maybe when he wanted to be, on a really good day, or week..if we were lucky a month…but it always came back around to what was missing for hima nd how i could fix it and god knows i’ve tried, but at some point you just gotta face that if someone is miserable, there isn’t shit you can do to make them happy and if someone doesn’t love you, you can’t make them do that either.

he called me again on his way home and started telling me that we needed to talk. that we needed to decide whether we were gonna make an honest effort or go our seperate ways. he said it was time for him to “shit or get off the pot”. i concur. he said when we first met that we used to stay up all night on the phone talking and we always had something to say and that somewhere along the line, that passion between us died. he thought it was because we had kids and that it would come back, but it never did. he said he’d been lazy in our relationship and that he wanted that back. i agreed to talk to him when he got home, but told him i did need to finish my schoolwork up.

when he got home, he gave me a teddy bear with one of his company’s logo-ed t-shirts on. he had brought one home for our daughter a couple weeks ago and i had joked around about how i wanted one. so i laughed about it and thanked him. we exchanged a hug and a kiss. i asked him to listen to my legal jurisdiction paper, figuring if he could grasp the concept behind it, then i had done really well writing it. i read it. he understood. then he shut my laptop and told me to come with him. i asked where we were going. he told me he wasn’t asking me, i just needed to go. i thought maybe, just maybe he might take me over to the couch and sit down and try to talk with me. no…he starts leading me upstairs. i said where are we going? he said upstairs. i asked to have sex? and he smiled. so i pulled my hand away and told him i didn’t want to have sex. he plopped down on the stairs and started pouting. then he started asking me what was so horrible about sex with him and telling me that i make him feel disgusting and unattractive, like nobody would want him. i corrected him and said, no…you make yourself feel that way, i never said anything like or eluded to anything like that cause it’s not that way. well then what’s the problem he asks? uhhh…maybe that you’re all over the place and your never happy when you do get it anyways, so i’d rather not feel like a disposable fuckhole that’s being used when i feel no connection…i’m not the kind of girl who has ever slept around casually and i need a connection with somebody or i very cheap. he starts telling me how ridiculous i am and that he’s my husband. so i looked him square in the eye and told him to act like it.

at this point he’s just acting weird…he’s flying off the handle and being irrational. i asked him if this was the honest effort he was putting forth.  he ignored me and went and got our oldest son. he went into the whole schpeel with him about how he’s a grown man and if he wants to have 10 beers and watch football he can and that i only get upset when he drinks and isn’t responsible, not everytime. and that he goes to work and pays for everything…EVERYTHING and  takes care of everything so he is allowed to drink beer if he wants to.  my son didn’t know what to say. i just interjected that i thought he should still take into consideration how it makes us feel whether he understands it or not. he could’ve choose not to buy it after our son asked him not to, he could’ve choose to go watch football and drink at a buddies’ house. i served everyone their dinner and he sat at the table casting me looks. so i asked what the problem was and he said he was lonely. my oldest son said, dad you’re not lonely, we’re right here. and my youngest son goes yeh daddy, lonely means that your like lost in the woods by yourself and you’re not, you have a family and we’re here. so he looks at both of them and says well, i know you guys are with me and then he just cast me a hateful look. my oldest son cut me a look like his dad was losing his damn mind and i just threw my hands up in the air and left the room.

it gets even weirder.

after he’s done eating he starts asking me if the kids have been outside today. i tell him no, because i have all this homework to finish and he just looks at me like im a piece of shit.  normally, i take the kids to the park, the library, the ymca… i do something with them almost everyday so this whole attitude pissed me. he never acknowledges it when i do do it, but now he’s gloating cause i didn’t do it one day?!? then he starts asking me what i did all day. i just ignored him. then he started telling the kids to get their shoes on so they could go to the store. i asked what he was going to the store for and he told me it was none of my god damned business. alrighty. so i just mumble that their isn’t any money in our spending account. his response? well i work everyday and i need a can of chew and i’m gonna go get it- deal with it! alrighty. then he starts digging around in his wallet and digs out a credit card, he asks how much is available on it? ok- here’s a clue…if you think there isn’t enough for a can of chew…you probably shouldn’t keep charging shit to it. i don’t say this, i just say i don’t know. as he’s calling to find out, and i’m watching him act like a maniac, i tell him i don’t want him to take the kids anywhere, that he’s been irrational and he’s scaring me and i wouldn’t feel comfortable with him leaving with them. he goes outside and starts playing with the kids.  when i come out he starts bitching about the yard needing picked up and asks our oldest son to do it tomorrow. it’s like he’s picking on every little fault around him or something and he’s being really snide with me. then he leaves to get his can of chew and comes back. he stays outside with the kids for awhile and brings them in. he stops and asks me if there is anything he can do to help. he acts as if nothing’s happened. i tell him just keeping the kids out my hair is helping.

a little while later…he comes and asks me if i want to take a break and go get an ice cream with him and the kids. so i do. we come back. he deals with the kids and puts them to bed, then watches tv. he sits down at his computer for awhile at the table with me. he asks me if it offends me to know whether or not he jerks off. ummm, i dont’ know. does that turn you on?  not really. then he asks if i want to see something on his computer? hmmm, i don’t know probably not. he says something about two girls. i ignore him. he takes his computer in the other room. tells me he’s going to bed. comes back about 30 minutes later. waits for me to finish my schoolwork and then goes up to bed with me. he falls asleep pretty quick.

i don’t sleep.

i just lay there thinking….stewing…wondering if  this man has a borderline personality or bipolar disorder…wondering if he’s using drugs… wondering if he’s having an affair…..wondering how i ended up in a marriage where i do all the giving and never get any credit except fault, wondering how to get out, wondering how to keep my kids safe at the same time…wondering if it can really  get better or if this is as good as it gets.

Boys will be boys 8/21/06

Guess who I had to take to get stitches this weekend?


My MIL tells me he’s getting off to a late start and she swore to me that my trip last month for his broken arm was the first of many more visits to the ER, turns out she was right and it wouldn’t take long.


Saturday we went to do a little shopping and of course the kids were all too thrilled about looking at pillows with Mom & Dad so we decided to split them up so they would be easier to handle. Boys went one way, girls another. Wasn’t 10 mins later, I see my husband hurrying towards me with a horrified look on his face, carrying Jedi who is wailing and pointing frantically towards the door, mouthing the words “let’s go…let’s go” and as Jedi turns his face to wail for me, all I see is blood.

Turns out Pickle decided to race Jedi around a display case and Jedi didn’t turn the corner before he tripped and went flying into the corner of the display, splitting his lip all the way through. You could take one look at him and know he was going to need stitches. 4 of them to be exact. Did I mention this all happened at the department store I just took the job at?

Here he was all excited because he didn’t have to go to school with his cast on the first day and now he’s got stitches (but I’m working on getting them out Friday). It just never ends.

I can’t believe my peanut will be headed off to kindergarten in a week. Geesh…time flies.

I have TONS of homework to do myself…tons. how I love writing lengthy papers about litigation theories. (yawn) But school is going well and I start a new job tomorrow.

there’s work to do

i was offered and accepted a job thursday. it’s not anything i’m going to make a career out of. just working night stock a couple of nights a week at a department store. pay isn’t very good, but i figure if i took a job during the day and paid childcare, i’d make less anyhow. i don’t sleep much these days anyways and i figure any extra money i can put towards paying off our mutual debts is in my best interest.

we had counseling thursday afternoon. it was the same old same old. him blaming me for everything and me sitting there in disbelief at his perception of things. i told the counselor the embarrassing story about the blow job in the car. when he told his side of the story it was like i was this frigid bitch who didn’t want to perform any sexual favors, was doing so to “manipulate “our situation and totally frustrated him because i was trying to “control and direct” him the entire time. this is what i get for being spontaneous and asking him to take a more secluded road for a little rendezvous. whatever. and he kept saying that i wanted a man who was a “jellyfish” and would just go along with whatever i wanted.

i don’t know who used the term jellyfish with him but he kept saying it in a way that he was proud of himself for using it. very strange. and the most interesting thing about this to me, is that it’s like he’s accusing me of wanting what he wants. you know, he wants to be able to come and go as he pleases and for me to just go along and adore him for the little scraps of respect and admiration he might toss my way.

the counselor kept asking him how he was so sure that i wasn’t interested in him and asking him how he arrived at this interpretation of the events of the blow job, when everything leading up to that was fine and in good spirits. he says that i never want to be affectionate with him and i told him that i try but he ALWAYS makes it about sex and it gets old. he says it’s bullshit that he gives me affection all the time without expecting sex. the counselor keeps telling him over and over that his actions are very contradicted to his words, that he can’t really say or expect me to love and adore him when he’s disrespectful and combative all the time and asked if he understood that he was pushing me away and then expecting me to compensate for the space between us. he doesn’t get it. when we left, he started telling me in the car about how this job is a waste of time for shit money and when he realized that he had said something again that was offensive he added, “because i think you’re worth more than that“.

we had dinner at his mom’s house that night. i broke down and  cried in the kitchen while i was trying to make the kids’ dinner plates because he was being so combative and blaming me for everything the kids did. his mom just hugged me and said she was sorry. when we got home he hounded me so much about sex that i decided to sleep on the couch.

friday morning  i woke up to my daughter standing in front of me with wet pajamas and when i went upstairs to clean up her bed sheets they were dry. turns out she had wet in my bed. so i ripped all the sheets off the bed and was waiting for him to get out of the shower to get the laundry basket out of the bathroom. so i laid on the dry part of the bed on my stomach with my eyes closed. he came in and questioned what i had done to the bed and i had to tell him that our daughter had wet. then he started groping and fondling  my ass with much persistence. then i laid there and cried. 

it just doesn’t feel right anymore. i feel used and bullied into it, like if i don’t he’ll just treat me worse. to do it with him now would be like sex to have sex, not sex to further acclimate our relationship. maybe he was just in a hurry to get ready for work, but he didn’t really seem to care much, that i was crying.

our oldest son, who is cognitively disabled, ended up wetting his bed too, but he decided to get up and get dressed and not clean it up. so while i was dealing with this, i guess the two younger ones were pestering their dad for breakfast and he told them to come ask me and i yelled down the stairs that i was dealing with getting our other son cleaned up. when i came downstairs, he has this shitty attitude and starts asking me what the hell is going on. by now im agitated that he’s making such a big deal out of the thing and start explaining it what had happened and his response was “well, let’s just shoot him. you know, accidents happen.” excuse me? i wasn’t yelling at our son or making a big deal out of the fact that he had wet the  bed, i’m upset because HE was being a selfish asshole and had his shorts in a wad about getting out the door to work and being “bothered” by the other kids. funny, how time wasn’t an issue when he needed to get his dick wet. then he’s looking at me and telling me that i need to calm down and there wasn’t any need to get all bent out of shape and yell over our son wetting the bed. HELLO?!? it’s not about that. so then of course he has to go, he’s late, he has somewhere to be, people waiting on him, his job and his paycheck and his income. this was a whole argument that continued on his cell phone while he drove into work. i was able to calm down and explain that i wasn’t upset about our son wetting, that HE was the one that had made the situation worse and that it wasn’t fair that he got to do whatever he wanted and say whatever he wanted, act like im crazy when after he pushes all my buttons and is making me feel at fault for circumstances that are out of my control and then walk out the door, go to work, forget about, while i have to be at home and stew over it all day.

i had a four and a half hour orientation at work friday evening. he calls me 20 mins before im supposed to go to work to tell me he has to work late and that he also has to finish up a side job. i had made arrangements for my parents to watch the kids until he got home, as this is the only time i will need to be at work at the same time he does. he starts telling me about how bad and stressful his day has been and im running around putting the kids in the car and getting all my paperwork together. he asks why my mom isn’t just watching the kids at our house and i have to remind him that he said he didn’t want her in his house anymore because she disrespected him. he starts huffing and puffing and saying he doesn’t mind if she’s watching the kid. i tell him i have to go, i have to be at work soon and as he hangs up i mutter to myself, “good luck on your first day, babe.” after i drop the kids off he calls me back and starts going off on me about why i said he didn’t want my mom in our house right in front of her and i have no idea what he’s talking about. i tell him i just dropped the kids off at her house just like i told him and he starts telling me that he heard her in the car and i said no she was at her house, i was in the car with the kids, but aside from that, i told her about what you said when i asked her what she had said to you that made you feel so disrespected. then he’s like oh great, thanks. again, my fault. so finally i start telling him that i have to be at work in 10 mins and i really don’t have time for this and he goes, “hey im sorry i didn’t tell you good luck earlier, im just really busy and have a lot going on.” and i said i know, you’re always preoccupied, don’t worry about it. then i call my dad crying and telling about my husband being late and asking if he can cover or if i should just call my supervisor and tell her i need to come in for a different orientation time. he tells me he’ll take care of it, not to worry, just to calm down and get myself together and focus on work. when i got home at 9:45 my dad was gone and husband was home. he tells me he had only gotten home 15 minutes ago. he smells like beer. he says he only had 2 or 3. he says he’s hungry and asks if i want to order a pizza, but ends up getting in bed and going back and forth between snoring and talking about having sex and wanting to give me an orgasm. i told him if he wants to do something nice for me, to get up with the kids the next morning and let me sleep in.  which he did. and i was thankful. i was also appreciative and affectionate.

he talked about sex all day long saturday. sure it was complimentary i guess and i guess he would probably consider it affection and attention and would probably love it if i did it to him all the time, but to me it was endless groping and fondling to make what he wanted. it was obnoxious. but i smiled through gritted teeth and pushed on. we made plans to go out to a car dealership…AGAIN…to discuss trading in his truck..AGAIN and we had decided to coordinate this at the same time my parents were going to take the kids to the movies saturday afternoon. there was a small snag in our plan, because our youngest son, who just got his cast off of a broken arm, ended up falling and splitting his lip and we got to take a trip to the ER to get him four stitches but, he was determined to still go to the movies with his grandparents and so we went to the dealership. on the way out to the dealership he needed gas and asked for the debit card. i asked him what had happened to the $100 he had at the beginning of the week and he said he had used it all on gas. a $100 on gas in one week is just ridiculous and untrue, but not worth pushing the issue cause then i’m just a controlling bitch. just trying to get him to decide what he wanted to “eat” for dinner turned into a conversation about oral sex. we ended up grabbing a pizza at an old-time italian restaurant and that was ok. it would have been better if the conversation wasn’t about sex. like if he ever had anything of substance to say.

he let me sleep in again sunday but climbed in bed with me around 10:30 and started groping me and telling me about how he had jerked off this morning because he was so hot thinking about me doing “dirty things” to him. i tried to redirect him a little and keep it affectionate. by holding him and rubbing his head and stroking his arm, but everything i did, turned into more groping and more sex talk. then he told me that i wasn’t interested in him. seriously? wtf? i tried to point out that i was being affectionate, but that i wasn’t being sexual and that he wasn’t satisfied or appreciative of it simply because he wanted something else. he turned his back to me and told me that he wanted to bite me all over and be playful and that i was rejecting him. mind you, our kids are up and our bedroom door is open this whole time and i point this out to him and he says, “so? don’t you think i’ll here them coming?”  he again, starts biting me all over, which i totally don’t get off on, and one of the kids comes up and he starts yelling at them to go downstairs and when i tell him he’s not really being fair to anybody because he’s so concerned about what he wants, he just says, “they never listen.” maybe because you’re not interested in making them listen consistently unless there is something in it for you?

finally, i roll over and take my underwear off and he just sits on the edge of the bed, like he’s waiting for me to make some move and then he turns his back to me. i ask him if he wants to have sex and he pouts and mumbles that he does, but not until i want it. again, i spent the rest of the day, trying to give him affection here and there, hugs, touches, little kisses, which always turned into him groping me, sticking his head in my cleavage and making sexual comments.

he started drinking around 4 while he was watching football and i was doing schoolwork. he started opening drinks for me and telling me i needed to loosen up and maybe then i’d be more into him.  ridiculous. at one point, i took a break from schoolwork and went and sat over on the couch with him and the kids. he seemed to be in pretty good spirits and was kidding around with the kids and then all of sudden it went downhill. his whole demeanor changed in about 5 minutes. he started getting sullen and it was almost as if you could see him sinking into this hole of self pity. he started talking about how i didn’t want him and was never interested in him and just went on and on, that i think he’s disgusting and how do i think it makes him feel when he tries to kiss me and i say “eww.” i explained that had happened one time, yesterday, on the way home from the pizza shop and i had said it because he kissed me with a wad of chewing tobacco in his lip and he had just spit out the window and had a piece of that shit on his lip and it is disgusting. i told him it just sounded like he wanted to focus on something negative to have an excuse to finish off his 12 pack.  he kept going on and on for the next couple hours, all while i’m trying to do my homework.  i tried to not reply because no matter what i say, it’s not enough to fill whatever void, that im sure i’ve created. then he said, “you didn’t even say anything, you just agreed“. i said “no matter what i do, i’m screwed so im just choosing to keep my mouth shut. make of it what you will, you do anyways“. and the more he drank the weirder the comments became.

at dinner he actually admitted to our oldest son that he used to think i was spoiled and it turns out he is, because he throws a fit anytime he doesn’t get his way.  a little later, he was talking about seeing slayer in 1987 and asked where i was and i answered probably 3rd grade, which led to him saying wow, we really are different but he wouldn’t have anything that he has if it wasn’t for me.  then a little later it was do i think we’re too different and that there is too much hurt in our past that keeps us from moving forward. this i actually replied “no, it shaped where we are now, but it doesn’t have to affect what we become in the future” and went back to doing homework.  a little later it was what would i do if his dick was bigger and thicker.  i replied that i liked his penis just fine the way it was, and the issue wasn’t his penis, but his actions and that what our counselor keeps trying to get him to realize. that he needs to work on being self-sustaining in his happiness instead of dependent on me and other things to do it for him. that he should be able to look at his life and be satisfied with what he produces and that anything else is like a bonus.  then he said “well what if i get so good and happy being independent that i don’t need anybody, wouldn’t that make me selfish?”  i just told him he was impossible and would find the negative to anything and then i just shut-up and guess what? he did exactly what i thought he would do.he drank himself into a stupor and cranked up his death metal music and stumbled around, playing air guitar with his eyes closed.

 i went up to bed around 12:30am and he stayed downstairs although he kept coming up to piss and spit out his chew and then go back down to put in a new one in every 15 minutes, because that’s what he does when he’s drunk. and i just laid in bed and stared at the ceiling and went in the bathroom after him, cleaning up piss off the floor and once emptying a sink full of water and chewing tobacco. ah, the good life. then of course he’s running late for work this morning and he asks me to get up and get out his clothes for him. funny, considering how adamant he was about getting to work on time friday and how it’s his job and his paycheck.

i don’t even know what to do. i know it’s over. i do. i guess i hope beyond hope that he’ll have some huge epiphany and decide to make the most of his life and his family. i guess i want to believe that he wants to change his family’s legacy of substance abuse and bad marriages to make a different legacy for his children’s sake and it’s just not going to happen. i don’t want to put my children through a divorce and visitations and the bitterness and fighting that i know will come along with it, because he’ll just make things as difficult as possible for me, without regard for how it affects his children. i don’t know where to go from here. i have no idea.

the more time i spend around him, the more and more i realize how different we are and how little hope there is for this “marriage” of ours to go anywhere but it’s unavoidable end. i hate to say that. every effort i make, and i am struggling to make any effort with him at this point, just seems futile. basically, i’m damned if i do and i’m damned if i don’t.

it makes no sense

so he called around 11 and told me he was on his way home.

he crawled into bed and started talking to me, though i was barely awake. he told me he had only had 3 beers so that he could come home. told him that was good. he rolled towards me and started rubbing my back, which led to him rubbing my ass, which led to him trying to take my underwear off and then i stopped him.

he said, you don’t want any?” and i just told  him i was tired. “you’re loss.” he said and with that he rolled over and went to sleep.

i laid there staring at the wall for hours. wondering what the hell to make of all of this? is he serious? just what – 4 days ago, he’s telling me we need to start figuring out how we’re gonna split up and leaves, has to go to his one brother’s house and run his mouth there, then he must have gone to his other’s brother’s and explained his take on the situation to him and his wife so they would let him stay there and now i’m supposed to be thrilled at the chance to have sex with him? i just don’t get it. what am i supposed to do? i want to have sex, i want to have sex with him, but at the same time i don’t. i don’t feel like he loves me or respects me and it just makes it all feel so empty.

then this morning he sees me walking around in my t-shirt and underwear and let’s me know that he’s getting turned on and that we’ll have to have sex, “by the end of the month.” i mean, jesus, i don’t know if he’s gonna be home from one night to the next and now he’s giving me a timeframe and planning on having sex with me in the next two weeks?

i called him around noon to see if he was coming here tonight and what he thought we should do for dinner…he answers the phone all chipper and “hey baby, how are you?


somebody actually asked me yesterday if i thought he was using drugs because they think he just looks different and weird. everybody says he has changed, even his own mother. maybe it’s just his true colors shining through. whatever it is, it makes no sense … none at all.

i don’t know what’s going on

this whole situation here at home is making me ill … physically.

he ended up showing back up sunday night around 10:30pm. when i asked him what he was doing he asked me if the kids were up and said he wanted to spend time with them, that he missed them. he put a movie on and pulled our the sleeper sofa. he and the two little ones slept there and i in my bed alone.  i tossed and turned all night, just unable to shut up my stupid mind and all its stupid thoughts. i must have been exhausted because i didn’t even hear him leave monday morning for work. i woke up with a headache, that got progressively worst and by noon, it was a full-blown migraine. i realized i hadn’t eaten anything and tried to eat but ended up throwing everything up.  there was so much pressure in my head that it felt like one of my eyes or my teeth would pop out. so i called the doctor’s office and the doctor told me to come right in. my mom had to drive me because the pain was so bad and i was so queasy. she sat in the car for over an hour with the kids in the parking lot while i laid on a table in an exam room, throwing up into a trash can. doctor came in a rubbed her hand over my head and said,

you know this is all stress related, right?

she knows about my whole situation. aside from being my doctor for over 8 years now, she also attends the same church i do, she’s incredibly sweet and has become somewhat of a confidant. things have gotten so bad, that she put me on an antidepressant a little over a week ago. it doesn’t make me numb, but it does help me deal. i needed it, i was feeling like i was going to have a mental breakdown and i just don’t have time for that. kids need me. i won’t even tell him about it, because he’ll use it against me. he’s done it before.

anyways, i had to get a shot, in the butt and about 10 minutes later i walked out of the doctor’s office, feeling loony and out of it but not like i want to rip my head open and removes my insides. of course, i rushed around to pay bills and right home to get dinner ready so i wouldn’t have to say anything to him about or ask him for any help.

when he got home, we were already eating dinner. the kids at the table and me in front of my computer doing homework frantically. my oldest son, let the beans spill that i had had a real bad headache earlier and thrown up and had to get a shot in my butt. he asked me what had happened and asked me why i didn’t call him. i told him he wouldn’t have been able to do anything and the last time i asked him to go pay the mortgage or backed out of making dinner he got pissed at me. when i was done eating he took my plate into the kitchen and washed a sink full of dishes. when i heard the water running and went in and saw him doing dishes, i was kind of shocked, so i asked him what he was doing. he told me i had a lot of homework and he was just trying to help. i told him to be careful, it almost sounded like he cared and was almost like being married to someone. he told me he just wanted me to appreciate it and i did thank him many times throughout the night. i even made a dessert since he had cleaned the pan. he told me before he went to bed that i needed to cancel our counseling appointment for Tuesday night because he had to stay at work late for a meet and greet. they have a new manager so they do this thing. he went to bed around 10, i went to bed around midnight cause i stayed up working on homework that late.

he started to talk to me about something this morning, but i was out of it and he said something that he would call me later. i ended up calling him around 10:30 when i found a picture of my youngest son in the local paper. i was so proud and wanted to share it with him. he couldn’t talk. i called him around 2 to ask if he had seen it yet and made him go find a paper in his office. i asked him if he was coming home tonight. he kinda snorted at the suggestion and said, yeh. i told him i was just gonna have a pizza night with my parents since he wouldn’t be around and i had so much work to finish. he said that he thought his other boss, the single, rich, snobby guy he idolizes for his “rock star” lifestyle, was taking the department heads out for dinner after this thing. he said he would call me later and let me know what was going on as the night went on and im glad i didn’t hold my breath, because here it is nearly 10:30 and I haven’t heard a peep from him.

you think the asshole could at least call and tell his kids good-night when he does this shit. oh well i guess it’s better that he doesn’t pretend to care and i don’t force him.

this shit makes no sense at all.

i was talking to my mom about it today and telling her about how he left and then he came back and she said,

he probably didn’t get the reaction he wanted from you and so it lost it’s purpose.

hadn’t really thought of it like that.

he’s all over the place and doesn’t make much sense and i just bide my time and bite my tongue so that he can’t place shit on me anymore.

it is what it is, i suppose.

Kid stuff

There were pictures of the kids in the local paper today. Not really a good thing because it was pictures of them looking very solemn at Joe Tomci’s funeral yesterday. But they did their Momma proud. They were really respectful little boogers.

Cutest thing today. We were getting ready to leave the YMCA and Diva’s little friend, Greg, ran up and gave her necklace back that she had to take off during class. He gave her a big hug and she gave him a kiss right on the lips and said, “You’re my buddy and I love you, bye!”

Just adorable the things kids say.

I still have homework to finish up before my midnight deadline, but I just had to share that.


when i finally got a hold of him last saturday morning, he told me he was at work. he had had to much to drink and didn’t want to drive home. when i asked why he didn’t answer my calls he said his phone was on vibrate in his pocket and he didn’t feel it. this is his work phone. the same phone he jumps half way across the room to answer no matter what we’re doing. whatever. why didn’t he call. he didn’t have an answer for that. he was just sorry he didn’t call. whatever. i took the kids to go play in the fountain at the park like i promised them i would. imagine that- keeping promises. hmpf.

when we got home, he was setting up the pool in the backyard for the kids. nevermind that he couldn’t have done this the whole week prior when it was 100+ outside. but now when he wants to look good in front of the kids, he does it. im not stupid and neither are they. my oldest son looks at me and says “he must be really sorry.” how freakin pathetic is that, that he even recognizes it, that he knows this isn’t a normal dad thing? unbelievable.

he immediately is all up in my face and is all apologies…

ive been neglectful of a lot of things and i’m sorry, babe. things are going to change.”


so that DAY was different. he was different. he was an active participant in our marriage and family. his mom even called him and laid into him about how what he did was totally uncalled for and inexcusable. and this i thought….might make a difference. she told us we should sit down and write out a list of things we needed to change and then write down how we would compromise on those things and that if we couldn’t do it, we should split up, because she didn’t want the kids dealing with this kind of crap. i concur. so she took the kids overnight to give us some alone time to deal with these things. after we dropped them off, husband was all about us having a night to relax, watch a movie, spend time together to reconnect and i really tried to move forward, which was really, really hard considering how i felt inside about everything going on. so we spent our time together, we held hands, we had sex…twice, he made brownies, we watched a movie, we cuddled in bed. i couldn’t say what happened but the next day everything seemed to go right back to the way they always are…about him.

we had to get up and rush around to get out of the house. he said we would make our list in the car. i grabbed a pen and paper and we rushed out the door. we stopped and got a bagel and coffee and he started listing his changes, which were actually things he thought I needed to change. i needed to cook more meals so we could be “healthy” and have a good “foundation” for our family. but he would need $20 a week to eat lunches out at work.  i needed to give him more affection and sex. i let him talk and wrote down notes about questions i wanted to ask him regarding his “changes”. we got to his mom’s, we picked up the kids, went home and it wasn’t brought up again. he bitched and complained about everything. he even complained about being horny. i pointed out that we had had sex twice within the last 24hours and he kept playing with himself. so i said “fine, let’s go fuck.” and upstairs we went. i can’t tell you how shitty it makes me feel that he treats me like this, i hate it. and it’s like being stuck between a rock and hard place…no pun intended, cause if i don’t have sex, he’s an ass to me and if i’m like, (sigh) ok, let’s go….he says i act like it’s a chore. i didn’t act that way the two times the night before. and my god, who the hell complains about sex after getting it twice already? i swear to god, its like hes dependent on everyone and everything else to make him happy, because he, all by himself, is miserable. he was short with the kids. he was completely negative about everything. it was awful.

i went to lunch with my girlfriend sunday and told her about everything that was going on. and something she said really resignation with me. she said that even if all the things he had on his list were truly things that i did wrong…it still wasn’t an excuse for the way he treats me and disrespects our family. very true. and she also pointed out that he only brings things up when i confront him about something he is TRULY wrong about and needs to take accountability for and, he uses it as he way to divert attention. it’s like a trap…if he can even get me to start thinking about how it’s my fault…then i will let go of the real issue. i saw the point.

 i shut down….again. i didn’t lay into him. in fact, i didn’t say anything to him. i just did the motions to get by til tuesday…counseling…and i just let it rip. i told the counselor that i was sick and tired of my husband and everyone else trying to find MY FAULT in HIS actions. hello? he’s a grown man, making his own decisions. and while it was true that it took two people to make a relationship work, i wasn’t going to do the politically correct thing and get myself in the trap of placing blame on myself where it wasn’t due, because the truth is that it can be only one person that totally ruins a marriage no matter what the other partner is trying to do to make it work. his response was to say that he thought we had never taken the time to really address our issues and that we shouldn’t give up until we do that. i told him that it was pretty much impossible because he was in denial about what the issues were. he said that i never returned his love. when the counselor intejected that he had a really odd way of showing love and what he says he wants and his actions were in total contrast on that…he didn’t get it. he never does.  he told him again that he needed to concentrate more on what he could change instead of what he wanted me to change.

his cousin was visiting from out of town this week and im rather close with her. so she came over tuesday night. he totally kissed my ass in front of her. he even made us biscuits and sliced off butter and brought it to us. he covered us up with blankets. and it wasn’t cute…it was kinda….scary…psycho scary.

friday we were supposed to spend time alone with the two little ones while the oldest is away for the weekend. he says he had a side job which he then ended up having to go out and finish saturday because of a problem. im not saying its not true, but his track record isn’t so great lately. regardless, i spent the time with the little ones without him and then i made arrangements for them to go to my parents, so we could have some time alone and talk things out. we went to dinner at jillian’s downtown. we had a good time. we had drinks, we shot pool, we played video games, we left holding hands and smiling, cracking jokes. since he had pushed about 6 drinks on me, i was feeling pretty uninhibited and started putting the moves on him in the car. i asked him to drive somewhere secluded. i had to keep stopping because he wasn’t taking secluded roads and there was traffic. look…im all for having some fun and being adventurous, but i really dont want people to see all my business like that. so i was getting a little frustrated because at this point all the problems are rising up in my foggy head. I say maybe he should pull off the road and climb in the back with me and get it on. then i think, i don’t want to do this. im trying to please him. why? but i do like a little spontaneity, right? why does it feel so wrong?

 i have to direct him to a secluded road. then he tells me to stop because he wants to pull off and have sex. he pulls behind a freakin movie theater where they have these bright spot lights out back, to ward off people like this, nevermind the fact that we are within 5 mins of two very secluded metro parks. then he actually gets out of the car and comes around and opens my door because he wants me to bend over the front of the car. ummm, no. im looking around, im totally uncomfortable and i say this is not a good place, not no, just not here. and he looks at me and says, im going soft. he was really expecting me to do this…THERE! i just slumped in the seat and told him just to take me home. he started telling me on the way that he wanted to be romantic with me but that i didn’t seem interested, or seem to WANT him and he was pretty desirable. I looked at him and said, “i’m not interested? hello? wtf?!?” i mean seriously, who complains about getting a blow job? i swear he’s bipolar sometimes. then the whole way home, he’s talking about me not being affectionate and that i don’t love him and how i treat sex like its a chore. when i told him we had sex three times last weekend and i had only acted that way once because he had bullied me into it and he says, yeh and the other two times, i had to do all the work. so i turn to him and said so let me get this straight, you get to stay out all night the night before drinking, without even calling me and then when you come home not only am i not supposed to say anything and move on but im supposed to be totally into and excited about having sex with you? then i tried explaining that i frustrated about not having any privacy not giving him head, because if i didn’t want to do it, why would i have even initiated it? by the time we got home, i was fuming. i just couldn’t believe this was happening. and then he says to me,

i think you were right when you said you can’t make me happy. you can’t and you’re not happy either, so we should just talk about how we’re going to split up….” after that i just didn’t want to hear anything else, and when he started talking shit about me again, i remember screaming, shut-up! i don’t want to talk about what you think about me anymore. so he started saying that he probably shouldn’t go stay with his mom because he would get spoiled there. he said he could go stay with his brother but would probably end up in a fight with him because he’s a cocky shit who can’t back it up. (wtf?) and then he starts telling me that he would need some money for gas, chew, and food…so i got up and got the money he had given me earlier from his side job and put it on the table. he said well that’s really subtle, so basically you’re telling me to fuckin go. i just sat there not knowing what to say…so i said i don’t know what to say, im not going to say anything cause no matter what i do or say, you turn it into something else. he says well we just need a break and maybe it will only take a week and we’ll realize whats’ really important. then it was like a switch flipped and he says well i’ll have to make some arrangements. the kids aren’t here we should chill out and watch a movie. after replacing my jaw, i told him i didn’t want to watch a movie and that i was just going to go to bed. i got up and went to the bathroom and stood in the hallway upstairs for a few minutes, crying silently….looking at our kids empty beds and thinking how much all of this would hurt them and how badly i didn’t want to see them hurt. when i came back down we went back and forth about watching a movie and then he was going to go to bed and i told him i would just sleep on the couch. he started talking about how he couldn’t even feel loved in his own home and that he just wanted me to love him. i didn’t say anything. he got up and made phone calls and told me to go up to bed, that he would sleep on the couch. i told him i would wait up to know what he was going to do. and finally, he got in touch with his brother and got up and started putting his shoes on and gathering his keys and stuff to leave.

bye.” he says.

 i finally ask what im supposed to tell the kids and he said he would come home the next day and we would talk to them together. i told him it didn’t even make sense for him to leave then. he said to just tell them that he was at work. i told him i wouldn’t lie to them. so he told me just to tell them he was at uncle jbob’s because he was miserable. i started to put my shoes on and he asked me where i was going. quite defensively… where i was going…like he thought i was going out or something. i told him i was going to move my car out of his way. so i got in my car and moved it and he left.

 i came inside the house and sunk down the door and cried for a good half hour. i called my girlfriend and talked and cried with her for nearly an hour. really, thank-god for my friends cause i don’t know where i’d be without them. and then i cried myself to sleep.

this morning, i got up and started focusing on my school work, cause im way behind. ive got to stop shoving my stuff to the back burner like this. obviously efforts in other areas, really don’t matter anyways. and there was no word from him until around 5:30pm, when he just showed up to spend some time with the kids and get some stuff he said. this involved checking the caller id and writing down numbers off of it, questioning me about why our daughter was still asleep at 5:30 and then hovering over my laptop. completely freakin weird. then he started asking me if i had said anything to the kids, asked if i thought we should talk to them. i told him i thought we should wait til after our counseling appointment this week and ask for advice on the subject. then i asked him what was going on, were we separated and trying to work out or was it over? he told me that we were taking a break. i think ross gellar. so i say, what does that mean exactly, i want to be very clear…does that mean that you’ll be going out drinking and sleeping with other people? he says no that he intends to be responsible and safe? so i ask what the hell that means…that he’ll wear a condom? he said no, and something to the effect that he hoped it would just be for a week or so and that we would realize what really mattered and then he added, “i don’t know what it matters…you don’t want me anyways“. i didn’t give him the pleasure of a response. i just got the kids ready to go with him and started making dinner. he asked what i was making, and wasn’t pleased to hear hamburger helper. i reminded him he has shrimp scampi in the freezer so he calls me from the park to ask me if i’ll heat it up for him. i didn’t think it was a big deal, so i did and then he and the kids came back and ate, he got his stuff together, didn’t say shit about dinner and he left. again.