Tired of being tired 7/8/06

i must say that the last few days have really been some of the worst of my life.

monday after having a pretty good family weekend together and being promised that he would not stay out all night after his department head meeting, he stayed out til 12:30am tuesday morning.

tuesday after waking up to him trying to mount me and rubbing his hard on against my leg, pushing him off and asking him why he continues to act so selfishly, he yelled at me and told me he never gets anytime for himself, that all he does is work , that he doesn’t play drums anymore and that he’s miserable at home. i didn’t yell back or even argue. it just sucked and i cried. i was late arriving to the parade route pickle and i were supposed to be marching in with the character counts group from the city school district. we were asked to walk as citizens with character in honor of my adoption of pickle. we arrive and find out, character counts apparently doesn’t, because the group had pulled out of the parade and hadn’t notified anybody. one of the city council members overheard this and told us to walk with them and hand out candy. after walking the two-mile route we headed out to my aunt and uncle’s for a cookout and he and i fought almost the whole hour long ride out there while the kids were sleeping. i told him that i wanted to separate because i couldn’t deal with him anymore and the kids shouldn’t have to. his response was, “it’s been over for a long time.” wow. something about the way he said it reminded me of something a guy would say to excuse his behavior when he was found out having an affair or something. when i asked him how he could say that when i had just adopted pickle six months ago, his response was, “yeh, that was awfully convenient.” CONVENIENT?!? for who? is it just me or is that…weird? i don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean but, at that point i just stopped talking. at my aunt’s house he kissed my ass and acted like the perfect parent. was putting his arms around me and carrying me around in the pool. and then on our way to watch fireworks, he started telling me that he couldn’t live without me and divorce wasn’t an option

wednesday was the day i hoped to get good news and was obscenely off.  about a month ago i consulted a urologist about pickle’s wetting problems. he first discovered that pickle was not voiding properly so he did an ultrasound of his bladder and kidneys. his left kidney was smaller and it appeared his right one was compensating, because it was enlarged. he then preformed something like a vcgu or some similar string of letters, which was basically him inserting a catheter and dye into his bladder and then taking rapid xray photos to see what happens when he urinates. we found out he has severe urinary reflux, which means his urine is flowing back into his left kidney.  i don’t think i need to explain why this is bad, but the short of it is….that your kidneys clean your blood of waste and then excrete it as urine into your bladder, if the waste is then dumped back into your kidney it causes a lot of problems, the worst being kidney failure and well…i can’t even say. most kids who have this outgrow it  but pickle is past that point. most kids who have this are put on a daily antibiotic but with his medical history and conditions and current medications it wouldn’t be prudent and so he will have to be monitored closely, provide frequent urine samples to check for bacteria and at the first sign of bacteria, he will have to have surgery to try and correct the reflux. i can’t discuss this anymore right now….just can’t.

when i got home my mom had been watching the kids and i had to relay the information to her and then she told me i should call my mother in law, which i did. while i was relaying the information to her (and as i write this now) i started to cry. i told her i couldn’t take anymore. that while her son knew we were waiting for results he continued to add stress by going out and drinking and driving home and i just couldn’t deal with it anymore. that dealing with just pickle and his problems was enough stress for one person let alone, the other two. it’s ridiculous that it seems anytime my attention has to be on the kids, he acts like one. i told her that i had done everything i could to make him happy and that i had nothing else to give him. i told her that it used to drive me crazy when he and i first got together that she would say i was too young but that i realized there was truth to that. because when you’re young and you see a man hurting, you believe that you can make the difference to him and that when you do he will love and appreciate you for it and it will be worth what you go through, but that the truth is, it just doesn’t happen like that and that some people will just take and take and take all that they can.

aside from this, pickle had asked me a bunch of questions about what was going on with me and daddy wednesday. it all ended with him asking me if i we were going to stay married. my best answer was to tell him that i didn’t know, that i loved him and we were trying to work out but that no matter what happened, i would be his mom, he would be his dad and we would love him and take care of him.  i thought that was pretty decent of a response considering how i really feel about it. then as soon as daddy walked in the door from work jedi, who overheard this conversation, said “mommy said she not gonna be married to you anymore.”. bad. real bad. if i had heard it i would be upset too. i understand that. so i looked at him and said he misunderstood, its not what it sounds like and i will explain it to you.  he folds his arms up and sits on the couch  pouting while i try to eat dinner and feed the kids. he starts getting attitude and i tell him, “look, i dont need any shit from you. things did not go well at the doctor’s office today and i need to talk to you about that first so please stop.” he continued to pout, i finished my dinner and then relayed what the doctor told me. we were interrupted by his work phone ringing and him dealing with that was about a 30 minute ordeal. after he got off the phone he sulks down on the couch and says “so why is my son telling me that were not going to be married?” i tell him that pickle was asking me a lot of questions today and he asked if we were going to stay married and i told him i didn’t know and….

him: “you told him what?!? why would you say that?” me: “cause i don’t and…”

his phone rings. he glares at me. he hates me. this is the end of the conversation. after he gets off the phone he spends a lot of time with the kids, doting on them, it seems forced  and odd. he starts asking them about what they did today…and i added on something diva said so he would understand..he glares and says, “ i wasn’t talking to you.” i ask what his problem is and he says “i just dont have anything left to say to you.” i retreat upstairs with laptop and notebooks to study for final exams. fell asleep around 8:30, just emotionally exhausted. he slept on the couch.

thursday morning, diva reminded daddy to kiss and hug me good-bye and he told her “i have to go“. she was not happy about it. i called him on his cell phone after he left to remind him that i would appreciate it if he came home on time so that i could go to a baseball game with my dad for his birthday. he told me he would appreciate it if i wouldn’t talk to the kids and everybody else about out relationship. i finally got the chance to tell him the WHOLE conversation i had with pickle to which he replied, i was full of shit because that’s not what i told him yesterday. i explained that i hadn’t gotten the chance to finish because of his phone ringing, and him choosing to ignore me the rest of the night. then he says, “well my mom told me that you called her too and told her some stuff and im sure the kids just overheard you.” i told him, “ i was outside and the kids were inside with my mom when i talked to her.” he replied, ” that’s what my mom said you told her but i think you’re full of shit.” and then he hung up on me. i called our counselor thursday morning and asked if he could see me. to which he agreed. husband had an appointment alone with him at 7pm, but i really just needed someone to vent to. i took a yoga class which was amazing. that was the highlight of the whole week. ran a bunch of errands, went to the appointment, cried a lot, told him i just didn’t care anymore about figuring things out and that i was just not physically, mentally or emotionally able to continue in the marriage. i went home, got ready to go to a baseball game with my dad for his birthday and made dinner for the kids. normally when husband gets home he would go straight to eating, but this night he decided to start wrestling with the kids and while i kept telling them it was time to eat….he kept playing with them, ignoring me. i snapped. i told him i didn’t deserve to be treated like that and when he started talking back to me all spiteful and nasty, i climbed on top of him on the floor and pressed my hand against his mouth and told him “i am not going to let you talk to me like that in front of the kids…you are not going to treat me like that especially when i did nothing wrong.” he pushed me off of him and walked in the kitchen. when i followed him and told him that he owed me an apology he laughed and said, “what the fuck ever. get the fuck out of my face. just go to your fuckin game.” i blocked him in the kitchen and told him i wasn’t leaving until he apologized to me. i cannot tell you how sick to death i am of unresolved tension. i can’t ever enjoy myself. you know he gets all this time and shit to go out and drink and be by himself because he’s miserable so why is it that whenever i leave i have to continue to be miserable? his solution? he punched out the screen in the kitchen window and jumped out. yeh. jedi and diva were standing in the kitchen. jedi thought it was cool, like spider-man he said. (sigh)

when i walked outside to confront him, my parents were in the driveway. he went back inside and locked himself in the bathroom. i had to leave. he wouldn’t answer me. i nearly broke down the door trying to get in, when he opened it, i told him again that he had to stop this. i pushed him and told him i was so sick of all his shit. he climbed into the bathtub and acted like a wounded animal. i told him again, he owed me an apology that he should have at least given me the benefit of the doubt and he could cut the crap. he laughed. i was full of rage i wanted to strangle him. i wanted to beat the hell out of him. i hated him. i told him that i hoped he got what he deserved and that something bad would happen to him and hurt him as much as he’s hurt me…us as a family. he told me he knew that he felt it and left the bathroom. at this point, i start getting really scared, realizing that i have to leave and that he’s mad. i start realizing the kids will be with him. reality sets back in. yes, i had a temporary lapse in judegment….my anger got the best of me i admit it. in fact, i really felt like i was having a mental break. like i was going crazy. i have not been that angry at anyone in a long time. i started thinking about all the ways he had punished me before after a fight, like disconnecting the internet so i couldn’t access my college courses or taking my keys so that i couldn’t leave the house or taking money out of my wallet. i started thinking about him drinking with the kids and i panicked. i grabbed his wallet and keys and my laptop and all my school stuff and went and carried it out to my mom’s car. im crying hysterically at this point. he comes out to the car and tells me he needs his stuff to go to the appointment and that im just being dramatic to put on a good show for my parents. i tell him i’m scared and i don’t trust him and that i want the debit card to the account so he doesn’t spend the mortgage money and that i wanted the key to my car. he says “oh yeh, play the victim when you’re the one hitting me.” right in front of my parents. my jaw drops. i look at my mom and sister and say oh my god, so this is what he’s going to do now. i tell them about me putting my hand over his mouth because he was talking down to me in front of the kids. my dad says he’s going to go talk to him. i start crying even more, feeling like ive ruined my father’s birthday, that my mother with all her heart problems doesn’t need the stress. i go in the house to try and take the kids outside while my dad talks to him, to find my dad crying on the couch asking him how he can’t have a heart and continues to let things go on like this. this really bothered me. it’s enough that he hurts me and rips my heart out, but not my dad. not my dad. i got the kids outside and came back in to tell my dad we should go. i said, “look, we’re the only two people in this room crying dad, he doesn’t care and this is a waste of time.” my dad told me to stop being so negative. that hurt. he said it breaks his heart to think of what the kids will go through if one of us leaves and that we need to work it out and i told him that’s exactly why i want my husband to leave for awhile cause it’s not fair to them now. to which my dad replied that i needed to give him a chance. that hurt. i get that my dad had good intentions and i understand what he’s trying to say but husband of mine, well he’s a little off kilter in the head and he interprets this as my dad taking his side, it will only make the situation worse and i swear to god the next time we argue he’ll say something like, “even your dad agrees with me” and i’m gonna lose my freakin mind.  i just walked out and went and cried to my mom. we all got in the car to leave and i just couldn’t go. i told them to take me back home to my car and i would go to the counseling session with him.

the counseling session was a real eye opener. he’s in denial about his drinking and he’s denial about his behavior and really believes that i’m the one who needs to change. at one point the counselor asked us to both think of the #1 thing that we thought needed to change in order for the relationship to work. he asked if it was communication. i agreed somewhat but said that i really felt he needed to stop being so self-involved if he wanted a relationship. his response was that he couldn’t respond because of me, so i left the room. when i came back the counselor said that it seems he isn’t just concerned with himself and that he’s really concerned about me and my well-being and all my medical problems. (severe eye roll) that was all i needed to hear. i mean c’mon….this is the guy that would get drunk when i had my rib popped out and the doctor would order me to bed….and he’s really concerned for me? this is the guy who got drunk after i had my breast reduction and wasn’t supposed to be lifting the kids, who got diva out of crib one morning only to pass back out, i find her playing in the freakin toilet and had to lift her onto a dressing table, lift her in and out of the tub…all on the morning of my friend Phil’s funeral…and he’s really concerned for me? and this is the guy who was drinking so frequently and heavily at the time of gall bladder surgery that my mother actually made me and jedi move in with her so that she could take care of me while i recovered…and he’s really concerned? come the fuck on. the only thing my medical problems have brought him is an excuse to make me feel shitty about it, feel sorry for himself cause more is expected of him and drink more. then when i brought up that i don’t trust him and im worried about leaving the kids with him when i go to my cousin’s baby shower… he responded that i have no reason not to trust him and that he doesn’t think i’m very truthful. he thinks i over exaggerate when my emotions get involved.  it made me feel like shit. i mean….ok

this is what i dont understand. im the one who has busted my ass to give him everything hes ever wanted. i have sacrificed my own self-respect at times just to push forward our marriage and our family. i was the one that drafted all the letters to his ex wife so that he would have evidence to get custody, i was the one who pushed and pushed him to get custody out of concern, then i was the one who sat home with pickle while he went out and drank after he got custody. then i was the one who got all the help after he revealed he had been sexually abused. i was the one who had to crawl up to bed by myself after returning from the ER by myself one night while i was pregnant with jedi and had been put on complete bedrest because my blood pressure was high enough to cause toxemia while he was out drinking. i was the one put through hell and was miserable during what should have been the happiest time of my life while i was carrying my first child with my husband. i was the one who had to have induced labor because my blood pressure was so high from stress of dealing with pickle’s revelation and his drinking. i was the one who saved his life one night when he decided to go out for more beer and passed out just after starting his truck but before opening the garage door. i was the one who saved his and the boys’ life the night i came home and he was passed out and found flames from candles scorching the wall.  i was the one who had to swallow my pride when he asked for another chance. i was the one who was supposed to be on bed rest when i was pregnant with diva and had gone into preterm labor at 30 weeks  and ending up taking care of the boys while he was out drinking and didn’t come home.  i was the one who stood by his side when he lost jobs and had to move us around year after year after year. i was the one who got us enrolled in the program so we could buy a house. i was the one who watched helplessly as pickle had a grand maul seizure. i was the one who made the doctor appointments and did the research while he felt sorry for himself. i was the one who adopted pickle and i’d do it again. but look where all this has gotten me? and he’s miserable? and im the one who needs to change? and i’m the one who needs to give him a chance? and i’m the one who needs to stop being negative?  and he’s the one who’s miserable? he’s the one who needs time for himself? and i’m supposed to care? i’m supposed to keep trying? he doesn’t think i’m truthful? he’s questions me?

im in a very dark place right now. if i wasn’t positive that he would use it against me in court when push came to shove, i would probably have myself committedd for intensive therapy.  the only thing that keeps me from losing it is the kids.  but im on the edge. i dont’ know how much more i can take. between all of this shit with him, then this new stuff with pickle, then finding out that 40% of these kids with reflux have siblings with reflux, facing final projects and exams, looking for a job, just thinking about divorce , worrying about money….i’m gonna crack. and the only thing i’m sure of is that i will have to be the one to find the light again. i will have to fight my way back from this…alone

i just don’t know that i can. im tired

and im tired of being tired.

im leaving. im going to stay the night with my friend.

7 thoughts on “Tired of being tired 7/8/06

  1. get some rest steph. you have alot more strength that you can imagine to fight and win this situation. just keep surrounding yourself with the people that care about you. no matter how hard it is – you’ll get through one way or the other.

  2. I’m so sorry this is going on.  I hope every thing works out, with or without him.  I am really looking forward to seeing you in 3 weeks, I hope he doesn’t let you down with that. Love you bunches!

  3. you are strong. You know why? Because the Lord is our strength. In our weakest moments, God is strong..and he will give you that strength. You must rely on him. You can NOT do this on your own. It is okay to vent. It is okay to cry. It is okay to be confuse. It is NOT okay to give up. so you just keep that chin of yours up, babydoll. The sun is still shining, the wind still blowing, and those babies of yours are still watching their mama and loving on her. Just as all of your friends are here. We all love you. I am thinking of you and praying for you and sending good vibes and strength your way.
    Stay strong, sweetheart. Remember its not your strength. Its HIS. and HIS doesnt run out.
    love you,

  4. Good lord.  I’m not in any condition or area to tell you that it’ll be better.  I have no idea what you’re going through.  It’s horrible.  I’m here if you need me.  That’s all I can offer…
    Love you.

  5. oh GOD BLESS AMERICA. That stupid, stupid fuck. If he wants to be hit, I’ll hit him—with my fucking car. I mean whats the difference, its a piece of shit anyway! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. The asshole! The nerve of him! Call me if you need to talk…I’ll listen, I promise.

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