Survival is fine, but satisfaction is tough

And that about sums up the status of my relationship with my husband from the get-go.


I’m an idiot….I admit it.


I really believed that the potential could get out from under the crap. I really believed that if I helped him achieve all is dreams that he would love and appreciate me more. Folks, the sad truth is that you don’t always reap what you sow.


And I see now…that I’ve lost myself somewhere in the process. Or maybe I had to give me up in order to justify in my mind why I should stay.


No MORE!

Going “home”

So things here in Virginia are crazy fast and busy. A lot of things have changed. A lot more development for growing population. A lot more congestion due to growing population. Others things haven’t though, like being able to pick up right where you left off with old friends. Actually having intelligent, insightful conversations without worrying about false pretenses and cattiness. Those are the things I love about here. Those are the things that still make it “home”. I like that people can accept others for who they are instead of who they want them to be. Or that they can applaud you in your efforts without feeling inferior. I like that there is a lot of diversity and tolerance. I really dig that.


I went back to my old neighborhood yesterday. It was wicked cool to watch Diva play on the playground at my old elementary school. Also very cool to take her back to the house I grew up in and introduce her to Momma Robinson. Momma Robinson was my high school sweetheart’s mom and I adore her. She’s very straight forward and real. She’s got that strong, vibrant, confident black woman thing going for her. I love that. I love the way she inspects everything I say and gives these deep responses with a smile. It was also nice to hear her say that she misses me and that I was the one who got away. That her son still talks about me and she wishes things had turned out differently, but as she then said….”Child, everything happens for a reason.” I concur.


After seeing Momma, I drove by another ex’s house. I didn’t stop to see if he was there. I just wanted those memories to flood in. Then, I went to lunch with two of my old girlfriends from high school. We picked up right where we left off. And there was a lot more relating about now then reminiscing about the old days. Lots of good food, better conversation. Lots of laughing. Funniest thing was they demanded they sing “Happy Birthday” to me. And for some reason the waitress got the idea I was 21 and told the whole restaurant. I was uber embarrassed until she said 21 and then I jumped up and did a little cabbage patching and said “WHOO-HOO, I’m  21!!!!” lol. Immediately, a guy approached us and offered to buy drinks, but we passed and played the driving with the kids card. But even without the booze….it really was a good time.


It was also super thoughtful of my cousin to meet me at the door when I got here Thursday night with a birthday cake. AWwwww….


Today is actually her baby shower, but also the day I’ve gotta head back to Ohio. Ive got sooooo much school work to do,when I get home. Actually there are lots of things to deal with when I get home. But I really miss the boys and will be delighted to hold them again.

Happy Birthday to me.

Yep, it’s that day of the year again and today I am 27.

I think when your birthDAY concides with the age it’s supposed to be like your “POWER BIRTHDAY” or something like that, I dunno. So far it ain’t looking that way….but…the day isn’t over.

Pickle was supposed to have his last day of summer school today, but I opted to take the kids swimming over at my dearest friend’s house before I head out of town this afternoon.  Screw it. It’s my birthday damnit and if i wanna swim with my kids, by God that’s what we’re gonna do. Then, around 3 I’ll drop the boys off to my MIL and Diva and I will start making our way back “home” to Virginia for my cousin’sbaby shower. Also looking forward to hooking up with some old friends while I’m in town.

Asta la vista, baby!

protected post below

Your Birthdate: July 27
Your birth on the 27th day of the month (9 energy) adds a tone of selflessness and humanitarianism to your life path. Certainly, you are one who can work very well with people, but at the same time you need a good bit of time to be by yourself to rest and meditate. There is a very humanistic and philanthropic approach in most of things that you do. This birthday helps you be broadminded, tolerant, generous and very cooperative. You are the type of person who uses persuasion rather than force to achieve your ends. You tend to be very sensitive to others’ needs and feelings, and you able to give much in the way of friendship without expecting a lot in return.

Focus on the positive

Our marriage counselor keeps telling me to focus on the positive.

Positive….hmmmm…..

My husband took me and the kids to dinner last night for my birthday. He also bought me the “50 First Dates” soundtrack, because it has his song to me on it and I could listen to it on my drive down to Virginia today. We came home and had birthday cake with the kids and my Dad. It was nice.

I guess what I shouldn’t say is…..

I choose a restaurant that was cheaper than where I would have preferred to have gone on my birthday and I ordered one daiquri in the interest of saving money. Husband’s dinner and his bar tab ended up being more than me and the kids meals combined. I had to get up and take all the kids to the bathroom by myself, because he still needed to finish his beer. Then after dinner I had to drive us all home, because after his beer (the equivlent of drinking at 6 pack) I didn’t feel like it was such a good idea for him to drive.

I probably also shouldn’t mention that the CD was my idea, because it was cheap and somewhat sentimental. I mentioned it to him last weekend while I was out of town. Last night after dinner, we were riding home and one of my CDs in the car skipped, I cursed and said I needed some new CDs, which is when he drops the bomb that he WAS gonna get me the soundtrack tomorrow.  He asks if I wanna stop by the store and get it. Not thinking it would be fun to do with 3 kids who are up past their bedtime. So, I run into Wal-Mart by myself, purchase the CD on my credit card. I start opening it on the way to the car, I get in, he grabs it out of my hand, hands it back and says, “Happy Birthday, honey.”

We get home and I have to pick up and prepare for my Dad to come over for cake. The cake my Dad gave me the money for and I had to go out and buy with all the kidsin tow earlier in the day. I have to get it out of the freezer, dig out a candle, get plates, forks, napkins and a knife all out and prepared. I struggle to cut the cake and he finally asks if I would like some help. He cuts it and serves everyone else, including himself, before giving me a slice. After my Dad leaves…I clean up. He put the kids to bed and got in bed himself and passed out while I stayed up and did the dishes and cried over the sink.

Did I mention that I spent more on booking his last minute camping trip with the boys for this weekend on my credit card, than I spent on my whole birthday extravaganza?!?!? In the meantime,  I’m trying to pinch pennies while I’m gone with this weekend in Virginia because he couldn’t “sit at home”.

(sigh)

Sometimes, it’s really, really  REALLY fuckin hard to find the positive.

Now, if you’ll excuse me I must go clean up a whole glass of milk that Jedi spilt on the floor and I’m not gonna cry about it.

Louisville

Well…that was fun.

We got to Louisville around 4pm Friday. I got to meet my cousin Bry’s little boy for the very first time. I guess he’s around 9mos old and he’s darling. Adorable. He was in a great mood and came right to me. Was all smiles and cute enough to make me ponder having another one myself. This is why my husband had the snip-snip. Every time I hold a baby, I get the hair brained idea to have another one.

Anyways, we had just gotten everything out of the car and into the house when a really bad storm blew through. I got to see my cousin Li and her boyfriend for a bit before they went to dinner and they were kind enough to invite to see a movie with them later. At midnight we caught “You, Me & Dupree” I could have done without the movie, I didn’t really care for it or maybe I just had higher comical expectations…but the company was good.Her boyfriend even paid my way…love that. Then treated us to a little snack at Steak n’ Shake afterwards. I think I got back to my Nana’s around 3am, fell asleep around 4 and then got up with kids at 7.

Took the kids swimming Saturday afternoon and then kinda hung out and visited with family. We tried to go out for a big family dinner at the fabulous BarBQ place called Mark’s Feed Store, but it ended up being me, the kids, my Dad and Li and her boyfriend. Which was just fine for me. I was really impressed that the boyfriend made it through a whole dinner sitting next to Diva and was not even phased.  Went home and went swimming again. Stayed up late talking to my Mom and Nana. Sunday we swam all day long. I have the sunburn to prove it. Then almost everyone came over for a family cookout. Food was delicious. I’m a big fan of meals I don’t have to prepare myself.  Then my Mom and I forced Nana to sit down and watch “Elizabethtown” with us. I really like that movie for more reasons than I can explain, but if you haven’t seen it it’s worth the watch. Got up yesterday morning, packed all of our stuff up and headed home.

It was good to see everybody and it was a relatively uncomplicated visit. Just don’t like seeing my grandmother so thin. That was hard to take and made me worry about her.

Oh and then there was the bathroom incident on the way home.  We stopped for the millionth time for Diva to use the bathroom at a McDonald’s.  I put her in one stall, telling her to do her business and I’ll come back and clean her up and then went in the stall across from it.  “I’m dooooooone” she says as always and I again remind her to wait to get off the toilet so I can come help. “I’m coming.” I reply when I hear the toilet flush in her stall. Not a big deal but I figure I need to get in there before she pulls her pants up and I get a chance to wipe her when I hear “Uh-oh” followed by “Sorry, Mommy, sorry Mommy.”  and then water starts coming under my door. I open the door to find Diva standing in the middle of her stall with her underwear, shorts and shoes soaked. It overflowed. I had to toss everything in the trash and carry her out of McDonald’s in nothing but a t-shirt.

((((((((((sigh))))))))))

And we’re home….for now. Diva and I are leaving Thursday (which is also my birthday) to go to my cousin’s house in Virginia for her baby shower. It’s also right around where I grew up in Northern Virginia…so I might go see some old friends while I’m there.

My new classes start tomorrow. Say prayers or do whatever you do for me.

Forgive and forget? 7/20/06

I just had one of those conversations that set me back and now I’m stuck between pride or maybe just sheer reservation and the thing I usually do, because I don’t have it in me to hold a grudge when someone apologizes, forgiveness.

(sigh)

Is it better to forgive and forget, really? I mean, isn’t some rememberance and reservation…smart?

 

 

 

(Happy 32nd Anniversary to my Mom & Dad.)

YAY!!!!! for me

I just got my final papers and grades back. A’s in both classes.

 

And if that wasn’t enough my professor wrote this on my final paper….

 

Stephanie, It was great to have you as a student! You are a very admirable woman, with so many things on your plate, but you clearly have a very strong grasp on who you are, and where you are going. I believe that you have been an inspiration to others in this class as well, so thank you for enriching our classroom environment! I wish you the best of luck in all of your pursuits. Your final project was excellent – perfect, actually! You always do such a fine job!”

 

(doing little dance with big smile on face)

Moving Along 7/17/06

“I try to take it a day at a time, but sometimes several days sneak up on me at once.”

I know I’m not the only one who has this problem, otherwise the previous eloquently phrased statement would not exist. It’s probably being abused on a t-shirt somewhere but, until I see it commercialized, I’ll embrace it.

I’m happy and bummed all at once.

Bummed because finances suck right now, gas is way too freakin expensive and you need gas to get places outside of Ohio where the mentality and company is all around better. Ok, that’s really not fair. There are wonderful people here who I adore. I’m just bitter over small incidents that will probably be frivolous in the big scheme of things. Anyways, things just aren’t coming together the way I need them to and I’m annoyed cause I just really want to go see my cousin for her baby shower and damnit, damnit, damnit, if financial obstacles don’t keep getting put in my way.  Like aside from the ridiculous gas prices, there is this whole thing with Jedi’s arm and the ER co-payment and ambulance bill and the run around I’m getting from the YMCA’s insurance group. Then getting an unexpected sky high water bill because it was an actual reading instead of an estimate and we’ve had estimates since before we had to reseed the yard and water it everyday. Bummer. And then of course there was the shut-off notice on the natural gas bill. I don’t know if it’s the same everywhere, but our gas provider has a budget program where you pay the same amount year round instead of $300/mo in winter and $20/mo in summer.  So our budget amount used to be $64/mo every month all year. Then it went to $86/mo every month all year. Well in February it jumped to $264/mo every month all year. That’s a freakin car payment. I don’t have an extra $200/mo. So I couldn’t pay it. I’ve been paying $100/mo and so now I have this big bill. Insanity. Oh, and, since my birthday is on the 27th, and my registration expires…I have to pay to renew the tags on my car. ugh!

At least there is my trip this weekend to go see my family out of town. At least that can’t be pulled out from under me because I’m going with my parents on their dime.  Very nice.  Things on a personal level are coming more together than I thought possible, although I’m still pretty cautious and expecting the cycle to kick in again at any moment. I can’t help it.

Jedi is doing better. He even tried riding his bike yesterday and was back to jumping off the couch. He was even excited to go to the YMCA this morning again. And if I had a $1.00 for everytime somebody stopped me during my hour long workout that took two and half hours to ask me how Jedi was doing while I panted and gasped for breath, I at least wouldn’t have the financial problems anymore.

It’s just another day in paradise

I recently enrolled myself in a hatha yoga class at the YMCA. I tried it out a couple times and really felt much better after the classes so last week, I went down to registration after class and decided to take the class til the end of August. So yesterday was my first paid class and I was really looking forward to it. With everything that’s been going on lately…this hour long yoga class is where I regroup. We had just finished practicing our deep breathing and I was feeling that great meditation hum in my body when I vaguely heard some outside noise. When you are in this state, it kind takes you a minute to reconnect. I guess someone was calling my name, but I didn’t hear them until she got to the “…JJ'” part. I looked over and saw panic on her face, quickly snapped out of it, and got up to walk towards her, clock behind her read 10:24a.m. when she said, “You’re gonna need your stuff.” It’s at this point I realize I’m barefoot still, so I grab my shoes and now she’s behind me and grabs my keys and my water. We get out in the hallway and she picks up pace towards the elevator, pushing the button quickly several times while she’s talking really fast about ..an accident….he’s hurt…broken.

“Excuse me? What?”

“He was playing and had an accident. He fell on his arm and we think it’s broken.”

My hand goes to mouth.

“You think it’s broken? Why, is he freaking out?” I thought maybe he was just really upset and they were basing this revelation on his reaction….

“No, he’s pretty calm and well, it’s broken…for sure.”

This was the slowest elevator ride from one floor to the next and when the doors opened on the bottom floor, there is a group of people standing around that parts and there’s JJ, laying in this woman’s arms, whimpering and holding his arm, which is covered in a towel with ice. I sit down on the floor next to him and rub his hair and tell him I’m there and that everything is going to be ok. The woman holding him is crying. She tells me she’s so sorry, tells me he was on an exercise ball and fell off ad caught himself wrong….she hands him over into my arms. They move the towel so I can see his arm and it’s so bad, I have to look away. It’s broken, no doubt about it. Where his forearm was straight, it know looks like someone tried to bend it in half. I start to tear up and have to remind myself not to upset him anymore. People are asking me questions….Who should they call?….What do I want to do with Baby Girl?  Should they call an ambulance? My friend Andy’s voice was the only one I heard…because she wasn’t asking questions…she said Baby Girl would stay with her while I got it together. I told them to go ahead and call an ambulance, because as bad  as his arm was, I didn’t think it would be safe to just put him in my car with me. Within a minute there was a man standing over me telling me he was with the squad and needed to see his arm. He rattles off a diagnosis to the other guy, “left arm, fracture of bone, deformity present…” I held him while they put a soft splint over his arm and wrapped it with gauze. I handed Andy my cell phone and told her to look for my Mom and to call her. The lady in charge of daycare at the Y said she found Dad’s number on our membership file but was getting voicemail. I gave her another number and told her not to let them transfer her, to say it was an emergency and to stay on the phone til she got him, which she did.

JJ wouldn’t go with the guys on the squad, so they carried my stuff while I carried him out of the Y in my arms to the ambulance. The squad crew was really nice to us. They even let JJ play some practical jokes on the driver and got us both laughing. The one guy even stayed with me at the hospital until Dad arrived. He told JJ before he left, that he worked Sunday and if he came up and showed him his cast, he would let him take a ride on the fire truck.

By this time, he was really pale, his lips were even white and I had to really advocate for him, which I thought was completely ridiculous. They wanted to wait for the doctor, and I told them their triage nurse could approve pain medication that they didn’t have to make him suffer in the meantime. He was really good when they put his IV in….didn’t even cry. In fact, aside from some anxiety, JJ was the bravest little guy during the whole thing. He hardly cried at all. He just kinda whimpered and held his arm. He listened to me and let me talk him through everything that was going on. They must have asked him a hundred times what had happened to him.  He mentioned the ball everytime and falling off it, but one time he mentioned something about falling on the thing that “looked like a road.” The X-Ray showed that he broke both the radius and ulna (top and bottom). There was a crack almost all the way through both bones. So, they told us they would sedate him, manipulate the arm back to proper form and cast it BUT because the break was so bad, it had bent the bone and it might be possible that it could dislodge again, even in the cast, it might have to be manipulated again, or because of the way it broke….he might need to have orthopedic surgery.  So, they took us all back to like a mini-operating room. They let us stay with him the whole time, which was kind of a mixed blessing, because when they sedated him he never shut his eyes, he just stopped talking and was staring straight ahead…and that just didn’t sit well with me. Seeing your child like this is like your worst nightmare. We also watched as they popped his arm back in, which sounded really gross, but it did go right back. The doctor said it was the easiest one he’s ever done and when they x-rayed it before casting, you couldn’t even see where the break was. I’m hoping this is a good sign and maybe it will heal up all on it’s own without the peanut being put through anymore stuff. As they were casting his arm, he started to wake a little and whined and whimpered, which was hard to take. But I went and stood by him and stroked his hair and kept reassuring him. He kept asking “Is this a dream?” and the doctor explained that even though he was still partially sedated and it probably felt like a dream to him.  And at 4:30, we were discharged.

We had to go back to the Y to get my car and so I took JJ inside to see if he could show me where all this had happened. I don’t want to sue or anything, but I would like to know what happened and I certainly don’t want it to happen to anybody else. They had been in the gymnastics center, on the padded floor mats playing, which makes just rolling off a ball and breaking your arm in half even more absurd. But, I did notice that there was a small balance beam, that had lines going down the middle that “looked like a road.” I don’t know….might not ever know because i’m sure the Y is gonna do their best to protect themselves.

But, really I’m just thankful it wasn’t any worse. It could’ve been a lot worse. And JJ is handling the whole thing beautifully. I’m very proud of the way he’s handled himself.

Now back to tending to his every little whim….

 

(sigh of relief)

Well, I did it.


I made it through my first quarter back at college.  I got an A on both of my final exams. Now it’s just a matter of waiting for the grades for my final papers to see what grade I get for the class. Probably won’t find that out for another week or so.


Been having a lot of stomach pain the last few days. I’m betting I’ve devloped an ulcer with everything going on.


But at least I did this part….. and that’s really encouraging to me. The fact that I can do things all on my own, even while he’s trying to sabatoge it all. I prevailed.


As for the rest of it, I just gotta take it one day at a time.