Lord, please remind me of your purpose right now, because I can’t understand.

I know you said you would never give me more than I can carry, but I am weighted down.

I really want to cry, but  I feel like it would only show my weakness. I’m tired of being mocked for my tears and honesty.

Part of me wonders if  this is all something I deserve. I wonder if I am really this screwed up person who does screwed up things and doesn’t ever see it? I wonder if this disregard from others is me reaping bad for bad things I ‘ve sown?

As I write that, I am reminded of someone once telling me that I should think of it like metal rods coming out of the ground and being better conductors for lighting. That sometimes people on higher moral ground get the worst hits, not because they “deserve” it but because they are strong and can take it, because they are accepting and forgiving of the faults in others that hurt them and through this provide a better example of the love of Christ.

I often try to remind myself that I am not here for my own will and that I am here for your will to work through me. When I have been really hurt by people in the past and have wanted to hold a grudge or get my revenge, I struggled to give that up to you, but I always have. Becuase I know you know the truth and that is enough for me. But, now, I am weary.

Please? I beg of you … strengthen me.

2 thoughts on “Prayer

  1. i once got a prayer from someone that I’ve been reciting ever since. it’s pretty simple but if you pick it apart line for line – it’s really quite profound and I couldn’t think of a better person to give it to: 
    dear God, i pray that You bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand be with me, and that You will keep me from evil so that I may not cause pain.

  2. i am praying for you, Steph. I truley do NOT beleive that difficult times happen to us a a “result” of our “bad behavior.” Yes, we do have a wrathful God, and a judgemental God but we also have a loving God. And that love is why he doesnt treat us as we treat one another. God isnt just some oversized human. He’s wholy other..he’s totally different. His love is almost incomprehensible. He LOVES you Stephanie. You are his child and his love for you is so much more then even that of an earthly parents. 
    Difficult times can be tests, they can also just be ways to make us stronger. One of my favorite verses is from the book of James. Chapter one verse 2 -4 “COnsider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
    First of all notice James says, “Whevever you face trials…” Not “Ifever”. YOU WILL. This is a trial for you Stephanie. A trial that God knew you would have to face. But the thing is going through this will make you will develop your faith into a persevering faith. It gives you stamina. Helps prepare you for even worse things, or so that you can help others. James reminds us that we MUST have perseverance in order to be truley complete.
    So thank him, Steph. As hard as that is. As confusing as this is. As irritating as it is. As sad as you may be. THANK THE LORD…because just as we thank him in the good, so should we in the bad. There’s always reasons.
    I love you and i am not preaching at you. This is a lesson that i definitly am learning myself as well. 🙂

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