Lord, please remind me of your purpose right now, because I can’t understand.
I know you said you would never give me more than I can carry, but I am weighted down.
I really want to cry, but I feel like it would only show my weakness. I’m tired of being mocked for my tears and honesty.
Part of me wonders if this is all something I deserve. I wonder if I am really this screwed up person who does screwed up things and doesn’t ever see it? I wonder if this disregard from others is me reaping bad for bad things I ‘ve sown?
As I write that, I am reminded of someone once telling me that I should think of it like metal rods coming out of the ground and being better conductors for lighting. That sometimes people on higher moral ground get the worst hits, not because they “deserve” it but because they are strong and can take it, because they are accepting and forgiving of the faults in others that hurt them and through this provide a better example of the love of Christ.
I often try to remind myself that I am not here for my own will and that I am here for your will to work through me. When I have been really hurt by people in the past and have wanted to hold a grudge or get my revenge, I struggled to give that up to you, but I always have. Becuase I know you know the truth and that is enough for me. But, now, I am weary.
Please? I beg of you … strengthen me.