Pissy

I’m in the process of writing a lengthy legal ethics essay regarding what to do if a client were to confess a crime to me. I’ve been reading tiny print in ethical codes and disciplinary guidelines. It’s a little monotonous, but it’s a welcome distraction from all the stuff playing out in my head.

I’ve been quite bitter lately. Darryl, tells me that I’m more than entitled to be pissed off and feel cheated and that I should promptly tell anyone who thinks I should just “get over it” to “f*ck off.”

I concur.

Do you have any idea what’s like to be do so much for a man to have him completely take it all for granted and throw how much he doesn’t care in your face over and over again? I don’t except special credit for it, but a little respect would be nice.

It pisses me off that he says he wants to work on things, but continues to contradict that with everything he does. He went out last night after work with his rich, womanizing boss. I’m sure he’s a good influence.  I was home, made dinner for me and the kids, we sat down and ate without him. I was much less stressed without him around. Me and the kids played out in the yard for about an hour. I gave them all baths, snacks and tucked them. I missed one of my seminars for school. He came home buzzed…again. Actions speak louder than words,  buddy. In fact, they SCREAM at me right now.

I’m beginning to wonder if counseling is going to do anything except draw out the inevitable. He seems to think it will  help, because I will “see the light”. I seem to think it will just further validate my theory that he is “in the dark”.

 

(sigh) It hurts. It does…I admit it. I feel like I might cry and the tears just don’t come. This is just not at all what I wanted for my life, our my children’s lives.

 

I’m most grateful for those of you who have been uplifting to me. Lindsey, thank-you for your card. Nicki, thanks for listening and being supportive, no matter what I choose to do. Jen, thanks for “protecting” me. Michael, for giving me hope that there are still decent men out there who will let a woman flourish as is. Amanda, for seeing me without “seeing” me. Kelli Jo, as always thanks for validating my thoughts and feelings.

 

It’s nice to have support that I can rely. It means a lot to me. Even if I can’t get the physical hug, I feel it.

 

Thank-you.

7 thoughts on “Pissy

  1. I’m sorry he doesn’t see what he’s screwing up.  One day he’s going to realize it and it may be too late.  I’m always available for testicle kicking or plate throwing…
    Much love and huge hugs…

  2. love you steph! You’ve been a big help for me too in the past couple weeks, although I must admit, my problems pale in comparison to yours. You really are a super duper chick! 🙂
    Maybe you need some time for you. Leave your husband with the kids (if he can be trusted to stay sober?) for the weekend and maybe go to a friend’s, or even a nice hotel for a weekend of sleeping in as late as you want and not cleaning up after anyone. You do so much for your family, you deserve to relax too.
    *Miranda

  3. I could scream about how much of a jackass he is.  But you already know this…  Don’t discredit what you’ve done for his son, who is now yours.  Honestly, if you two were to split, who do you think the courts would give custody to?  HONESTLY?  Birth mother or not, you’re the only stable thing that little boy has in his life, the only constant in a horrid, changing world.  Counseling isn’t going to give Chris what he wants.  Hopefully, it’ll give him a real view into life, and wake him up.  And if it doesn’t… It hurts.  I know that.  But dammit, you deserve better and I can’t see how he is so oblivious to that…

  4. I love you. You should not have to put up with it. This is beyond ridiculous. You deserve to be happy and just remember that sometimes happiness is not just around the corner. What I mean is, things aren’t just going to go from shit to wonderful. Happiness is on down the road. You have to do what is right for you. You can only do so much before you start taking away from yourself. You have to realize that whatever you decide, those that love you will always love you and be there for you. Chris needs to grow up and be a man, a good father figure, and an appreciate husband. Whatever you decide…it’s HIS LOSS entirely!

  5. amen to Lindseys comment. She always has such a way with words..
    RYC: nothing really happened on xanga…i am just tired of it, i guess. I seem to be enjoying myspace a lot more right now..its easier for me to truely feel connected to people and i dont have to worry about the ex really reading on their and i dont worry so much with whats protected and whats not..
    I know you are on myspace so feel free to read my blogs there…and like i said occasionally i will still post on xanga…i just dont have much to write at the moment..
    i will still be reading and of course always praying for you!!
    love you,ALICE

  6. that’s a really tough situation Steph, and I’m sorry you have to deal with it.
    i’m sure you know what to do in order to work through this so I’m not too worried about you. however, i do understand that it takes a toll after one is exposed repeatedly to it. if anything, counseling will help you guage your theory, and if you’re right; then, at least you can completely see the entire problem and work from there. .
    no need to thank :), you’re a great and deserving person and it shows by the people you’ve got in your corner here 🙂

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