Graduation day

Today was Jedi’s graduation from safety town.

I was not expecting to see the little ones donning little black graduation caps or that  pomp and circumstance would be playing when they came into the city council room. Had I have been able to prepare myself, I might not have cried. Ok, yes I would have. They were all so cute. Especially Jedi….he was the cutest. I promise I’m not being bias at all.

The other lovely thing was that everyone who worked with Jedi was coming up and telling me how outgoing and funny he is… with the adults. Even one of the firefighters who taught the class made a point to come over and share some funny stories about things Jedi said and how impressed she was with him. It’s pretty cool to have people tell you that they enjoy your son and that you should be proud of him.

I really am.

Sonny 6/30/06

i was watching a recorded episode of general hospital today and one of the characters was describing her ALWAYS volatile relationship with her ex-husband. she was talking about how strong minded, selfish and hurtful he was and how that treatment would push you away. but that he would crumble and that would go away. underneath you’d see this little hurt confused boy who needed your help and you’d long to help him and make it better and that’s why you loved him. she said it wasn’t always bad. that in the moments when he really let her in, it was beyond wonderful, it was magic. but when it was bad, it was all bad. when she was asked why she continued to go back to him, she said it was like an alcoholic thinking they could have one drink…you’d see him hurting and want to help him and the minute you made that decision you were drowning right along with him. that it was all or nothing.

corny as soap operas can be, those were pretty much the words i’ve been looking for.

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

husband went out with his supervisor last night for drinks after work. he didn’t even call, although he says he tried. (insert severe eyeroll) she gave him a raise…which is good, we need the money. but he smelt like booze really bad again. (sigh) he also informed me that all the department heads are being asked to go out next monday too after work.  that will make what 4x in 3 weeks that he’s gonoe for drinks after work.

i wonder when my break is and if i can have it without owing him before or after it?

HIs night out

My husband went out with a friend after work tonight to check out his place for awhile. he gets off at 4:30. i called and asked him around 5 if he knew what time he would be home or was he just playing it by ear? i don’t really get a time, i get ” a couple hours”. he calls me around 7:30, tells me guy’s girlfriend showed up and acts like his brother’s wife, she’s a teacher too, he’s trying to get some insight into their relationship. im like ok whatever. he gets home at 10:30. he smells of alcohol really heavily. he doesn’t even come up to tell me he’s home. he pops popcorn and sits in the recliner. when i go down and say “hi! welcome home!” he starts to tell me that he’s sorry, the guy and his girlfriend got into an argument and he was trying to mediate. really? (eyeroll) i ask why he didn’t come up and tell me he was home and he says because of this, no matter what i do, you’re pissed, i can’t have anytime to myself.

You know what? it doesn’t even matter. the gist of it is that he does nothing wrong and basically i get bent out of shape over nothing.

Im so tired of talking about his drinking. he kept saying i’m not drunk, i’m not drunk and he totally doesn’t get that’s not the point. that shouldn’t have had as much as he did and gotten behind the wheel. how much he risks everytime he does it. fuck, whether or not im being overly dramatic or whatever he wants to call it. if you kept doing the same thing and it had the same effect (i.e. drinking causes friction with your wife) wouldn’t you stop doing it. hello! duh! you’ve already been divorced once and drinking had something to do with that too.

It evolved into many other things as our arguments always do.

God, i’m just so tired of it. fuck….if  he wants time to himself and wants to drink all the time…that’s exactly what he’s gonna get.

I don’t know how things got to this point.

Actually if i was honest…it’s always been this way, i guess i just used to accept it, but my reasoning for that is beyond my comprehension right now.

I don’t even know where to begin.

I know things are about to change, big time. i’m beyond frustrated and hurt right now. im searching for words that just don’t come.

Thee other thing thats really weighing on my mind is my cousin’s baby shower. i really want to go, i’ve been planning to go. the plan was to take diva with me and leave the boys’ here and they would go camping for the weekend. im really starting to wonder if i can trust him. i just keep envisioning him drunk at a campsite by the lake, passing out, and one of the boys or both of them getting in the water, or wandering off without him being aware and something horrible happening.

You don’t know how infuriated it makes me, that i even wrote that or that its a real concern.

Letting go

In the city we live in, they offer a program called Safety Town to all the incoming Kindergartners. It’s a week long program held at the fire department. This morning was Jedi’s first day. It was also the first experience I had actually dropping him off somewhere, with people I didn’t know and then leaving. I was wondering how he would do when it came time for me to leave. And guess who cried? Me. Not tears, but I got all misty eyed. I couldn’t believe how grown up he was sitting at his little desk, waving good-bye to me.

I also had a somewhat strange experience with the Diva later on this afternoon. We went to lunch and then swimming with my friend Bevis and her son, Bobby as we have almost every week since the pool opened. It seems everytime we go, Diva who used to scream when you put her in pool, has gotten braver and braver. Well, today she decided that she was going to do away with her little intertube and just jump right in. I guess she had decided she could swim and boy, was she wrong. I had been telling her not to do it and not to do it, but she was determined. I told her she would go under and choke, but she just jumped in and she went straight down. Yes, it was hard to watch. I reached down and grabbed her from the water. She had this look of complete shock on her face. But, she didn’t do it again.

Letting go of your kids and letting them learn things on their own is really tough as a parent.  Even though they are little, there have been so many changes. They’re not babies anymore. It weird that you have to raise a child in a way that teaches them, in a sense, to live without you.

Time sure does fly.

Take me out to the ballgame

Today was the first game day for baseball.

My oldest performed well. His throwing has really improved and despite not getting a hit, he went down swinging. That’s my boy!

My youngest son had his very first t-ball game. (YEH!!!!) He did o.k. But, it’s difficult for both of us because it is also my very first season as my son’s t-ball team’s coach. So, when my JJ wants his Momma to stop and coax him along, I can’t. According to the other parents I handled the situation very well, they were very impressed and I got a lot of wide-eyed “I could never do that”s.

It really wouldn’t have been so bad if it weren’t 90 + degrees + HUMID, cause orchestrating nine, 4 & 5 years really doesn’t need any added dilemmas. It involves a lot of running around from position to position and giving pats on the backs and shouting reminders every couple minutes like

“GET READY! LET ME SEE YOU READY! HANDS ON KNEES! STOP KICKING THE DIRT! WATCH THE BALL! HERE IT COMES! THROW IT TO FIRST!” lol.

It’s funny, but tiring. We don’t count strikes or outs or runs, so nobody won. It’s all about skill learning at this age but I’m still very proud of ALL my kiddos. Despite sweat and tears ( and a little blood on a skinned knee) my kiddos toughed it out and finished the game.

In other news, my Baby Girl has an ear infection that kept me and her up all night.

I despreately need a good night’s sleep.

The Sweetest Thing

I was getting dressed this morning, brushing my hair and putting on some make-up while my youngest son, looked on.

He said, “Mommy, what are you doing?”

I answered, “Trying to look pretty. Girls like to do that.”

He giggled and said, “Mommy, you’re silly. You’re already beautiful.”

Just melted my heart.

Goes to show you that no matter how old a girl is, or how long she’s been married….we still like getting compliments from boys. Even if they’re our sons.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Prayer

Lord, please remind me of your purpose right now, because I can’t understand.

I know you said you would never give me more than I can carry, but I am weighted down.

I really want to cry, but  I feel like it would only show my weakness. I’m tired of being mocked for my tears and honesty.

Part of me wonders if  this is all something I deserve. I wonder if I am really this screwed up person who does screwed up things and doesn’t ever see it? I wonder if this disregard from others is me reaping bad for bad things I ‘ve sown?

As I write that, I am reminded of someone once telling me that I should think of it like metal rods coming out of the ground and being better conductors for lighting. That sometimes people on higher moral ground get the worst hits, not because they “deserve” it but because they are strong and can take it, because they are accepting and forgiving of the faults in others that hurt them and through this provide a better example of the love of Christ.

I often try to remind myself that I am not here for my own will and that I am here for your will to work through me. When I have been really hurt by people in the past and have wanted to hold a grudge or get my revenge, I struggled to give that up to you, but I always have. Becuase I know you know the truth and that is enough for me. But, now, I am weary.

Please? I beg of you … strengthen me.

With friends like these…

Well now another “friend” is lost and I am, well confused for one, but just fed up.

The story goes like this:

About two weeks ago, it was my best friend, Bevis’, birthday. We had made plans to go out week ahead of time, but I like the dumdum I am sometimes, forgot with everything that has been going on. However, I did mention it to the husband well in advance, as I do so that it’s not a last-minute issue.  So, she called me that day and started asking me what we should do the next night and updated me on how our outing of 12 girls had dwindled to 3. Me, Bevis and her sister, who I am also friends with. I said that there was a band playing downtown with their new singer and that I wanted to check them out and asked if she wanted to go. She agreed. We schedule a time to meet up. I tell her I’m gonna see if Crazie can go. I got off the phone, called my friend Crazie, to see if she was going to see the band, because she frequents this bar anyways, but she was at a birthday party and said she would call me back. A few hours passed, I called her agin, but got her voicemail. I don’t leave a message. I decide to send her a text message, figuring she might still be at the party. Text says, “How you doin?” (this should be said like Joey on Friends) She didn’t respond. So I figure I would see her there, not a big deal. We get to the bar, which Crazie’s friend owns and I talk to her a bit, ask her if she’s heard from Crazie. She tells me Crazie is coming up later. I text Crazie again telling her I’m at the bar. No response. I go talk to her friend again, I tell her I tried to call her, text her, but hadn’t heard back from her. She said she had just talked to her and that she would be up a little after 11cause her sister was gonna watch her kids when she got off work so she could come up. Crazie calls her while I’m standing there and she walks outside so she can hear her. Around midnight we decide we’re gonna go back to Bevis’ place. I look around for the friend to tell her were heading out but I can’t find her. I go to Bevis’ and we get in our jammies, talk and chill out.

try to call Crazie’s house a couple times the next day since my attempts to her cell aren’t working and get no response. I leave her another message on her voicemail, telling her I’m a little worried, I expected to see her the night before and she didn’t show. I get on to my computer for my class that evening and she sends me an IM. I ask what happened to her, she says nothing, I tell her that I went to the bar and thought she would come and that her friend told me she would. She says she changed her mind. I again asked what happened. Nothing, she just changed her mind, she says. I tell her I tried to call her and text her about going up and she makes some comment about how it’s nice that I got to go out with Bevis, because it never seems to work with her.

This is when I said Ohhhhhhhh. It was my AHA moment when I finally figured out what was going on. I was annoyed.  I let her know.  I told her she knew where to find me when she was done because I wasn’t gonna do this with her and that I had enough drama going on right now.

First of all, Crazie goes out just about every weekend and some times during the week. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. She’s a single mother, she works long days, has no help with the kids, I say she’s earned some down time, BUT I’m not in the same situation. Even if I could go out every weekend, if there wasn’t something else going on, if I could find a sitter, if I could afford to pay a sitter AND fund my night out as well, I still wouldn’t want to. I’m not a partier. When I went out with Bevis on her birthday, I had 1…ONE drink. Secondly, I have another issue. Crazie seems to think that it involves obtaining permission from my husband about who I can and can’t go out with, and I admit, I do say sometimes say….”if I’m allowed“. But really it’s: a) that I don’t think it’s fair for me to go out if husband can’t and b) even if husband and I arrange it so that he can go out the next night. I’m a basketcase worrying about him going out drinking excessively and getting behind the wheel of a car. It’s not really worth it to me and honestly, I don’t have any real qualms with not going out all the time. Most of time, when things between husband and I are going good, I’d prefer to be with him. He works all the time, when we get down time, I like to share it with him. I like my family and I like being home with them.

I tried to call her a few days later and got no answer, I leave her a message asking her to let me know if she is going to replace the snack I had bought for my son’s baseball team and given to her for her son’s soccer team, because I was on snack duty this weekend and that one of her daughter’s jackets was at my house. I text her and tell her it would be nice if she wouldn’t just assume the worst about me and that I could have really used a friend that day. (This was the day that I had to take Pickle to Children’s for his renal ultrasound because now there is a problem with his kidneys. Whole other story I’ve been avoiding) She texts me back and says that she’s sorry to hear that and that it seems she just doesn’t get any breaks from my husband. She says that she asks and asks me to do stuff but I don’t do anything. And that she’s sad about it. (I go out with her about once or twice a month) I text back telling her she doesn’t really understand, that it’s not just about her, it’s about everybody. She responds that I get out with my other friends. I tell her it was one time and I tried to call her. And that was it. A few days later I log into myspace and go to her site to leave her a comment wishing her good luck when her husband visits (they are estranged) and see that she has removed me from her Top 8. Newsweek!lol. This honestly baffled me. I still don’t  understand it.  Friday I get home to find the snacks sitting by my door. I go to her house and drop off her daughter’s jacket. I text her and let her know I dropped it off.  She texts back thank-you.

Couple more days pass and I IM her and ask her how it had gone when her husband came to visit the kids. She says he is still there. I ask her if she went on her trip (she was supposed to go out of town while he was here) she says no and signs off.

Today I logged into myspace and am looking through my friends’ list to find one of my friends’ birthday and I notice Crazie’s not there. Now she has completely removed me from her friend’s list. (Is it just me or is this the stupidest, middle school, petty shit you’ve ever heard?)(sigh) At this point, I’m really irritated. I IM her and ask her if she has a minute. She says she’s wrapping things up at work, yet I can see she’s on myspace. So I just tell her to forget it and I made some snide remark like that was easy for her to do anyways. Then she wants to talk so I ask her what exactly the problem is, and that I didn’t do a damn thing to her, she starts in about me being able to go out with Bevis and not her because of my husband. I tell her she’s just making stuff up and it seems really conveinent now that I really need her to be there for me. She denies it. Starts telling me that I always have drama. There is drama with husband and his family and saying it’s never me, it’s never my family, we’re perfect, and asks if I see pattern. I ask her what are you talking about? You’re just saying whatever you have to to not have to be responsible and to make it ok for you to take advantage. I start talking about her pattern of taking advantage of people, that this is what she did in her marriage and with buying her house (the owner felt bad for Crazie becasue she’s a single Mom, took her lower bid AND was gonna play closing costs to help her out and Crazie was finding ways to pin more stuff on the owner as closing went on, i.e. her first year’s homeowner’s insurance) This pisses her off and she says well if you wanna dig and talk about taking advantage what about inviting her for a cookout and then asking her to bring my husband’s beer and smores and chips. This pisses me off because it was HER idea to have a cook-out, I told her we were thinking about it, she offered to bring something, I said chips and dip. She said she would bring something to drink for us, I asked her to get beer for him, I gave her the $3 I had towards it. I called her a while later and told her I thought of something else she could get, just because she was stopping by the store and I wasn’t, paper plates and maybe a snack. Keep in mind, I’m providing all the hamburgers, hot dogs, condiments, drinks and venue for my family and her and her kids. The only other thing she could be talking about is the first time we cooked out and  it was last minute, she stopped by, I invited her to stay and we went out to get stuff for smores and beer….she paid for smores, I paid for beer. None of this really makes sense and as I’m asking her what the she’s talking about and that I have no idea what she’s referencing to. She says at least now she knows what I really think of her. I start telling her, excuse me…you were the one who personally attacked me about “patterns” and she signs off. I of course call her, she won’t answer, i leave her a message telling her I think it’s crap that she can’t say anything TO me except through IM and text. She texts me and says she’s at work, so I called her at work.  I start telling her that I don’t understand why she’s doing all this to me, which she explains is my fault because I was shitty to her all week in my messages about replacing the snack. I tell her she’s full of it, that I had been calling her and she wouldn’t answer, I had text her and didn’t understand what the problem was or if there really was one. She starts talking about how I can go out with everyone but her again…..I tell her I CALLED YOU, I TEXT YOU, YOU DIDN’T ANSWER ME. She starts telling me I didn’t do it until I got there, yada yada yada…and I’m thinking….#1 shouldn’t she know me better than to think I would do something like this, #2 what would be my reasosning for doing something like this to someone I THOUGHT was my best friend anyways and #3 why didn’t SHE JUST TALK TO ME ABOUT IT instead of assuming the worst?

This all so petty and stupid that right now I have to give Matilda a little bit of credit for having somewhat, SOMEwhat more of a reason for being mad because she thought I was befriending her ex-husband,. IF it had been close to true, it would have been a better reason.  I didn’t say it wasn’t absurd, I’m just saying in comparision to the pettiness of this situation, it’s a LITTLE better of a reason to be obnoxious and immature.

Can someone tell me where all these people took the turn off on the road of life that granted them middle school like behavior and selfishness forever?

I somehow have to let this go. It’s stupid.

Take me as I am

She’s been down and out
She’s been wrote about
She’s been talked about, constantly
She’s been up and down
She’s been pushed around
But they held her down
She has no regrets
She accepts the past
All these things they
helped make to make she
She’s been lost and found
And she’s still around
There’s a reason for everything

You know I’ve been holdin on.
Try to make me weak,
But I still stay strong.
Put my life all up in these songs
Just so you can feel me.

So take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
Just take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.

Now she’s older now
Yes, she’s wiser now
Can’t disguise her now
She don’t need
No one tellin her
What to do and say
No one tellin her
Who to be
She’s on solid ground
She’s been lost and found
Now, she answers to G-O-D
And she’s confident
This is not the end
Ask me how I know
Cause she is me.

You know I’ve been holdin on.
Try to make me weak,
But I still stay strong.
Put my life all up in these songs
Jus so you can feel me.

So take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
Just take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.

So it’s all or nothing at all,
All or nothing at all
Don’t you know I can only be me.

So take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
Just take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.

Take me as I am……