The calm after the storm?

I had hopes things here at home would have settled back down.

We were finally able to sit down Friday night and have a long talk about EVERYTHING. I got to tell him everything that was bothering me and I let him tell me what was bothering him. He pointed out that the last couple weeks have been rough because of me and the kids being sick, that I’ve been frustrated because there isn’t anytime for myself with school, kids, house stuff to take care and that he’s been frustrated with all the stuff going on at work and me not having anytime for him. This is true. I also told him how hurtful he is sometimes when he says things and he was finally able to understand why and apologized. I really had decided to let it go, instead of rolling it over and over and over again in my head, until Saturday night.

My sister came over for a cook out. And guess who got buzzed up and was saying things that were pretty embarrassing? He kept saying things to my sister that didn’t make any sense and she was, like other people do to him all the time, rolling her eyes and laughing at him when he walked away or wasn’t looking. People treat him like he’s a joke and that he’s stupid. I used to want to defend this and now I don’t.  It’s just embarrassing .

Monday we went to a cook-out at his brother’s house. Everything was pretty normal. Normal in that he drank, acted all honkey dorey with the kids when he noticed people were looking and then would ignore us. He hung out and drank with his family, while I dealt with the kids. When I told him at 7:30 that we needed to get going and get the kids to bed cause it was a work day tomorrow, he said he wanted to stay to and show his Mom the pictures from Day out w/ Thomas and the ballgame, yet he got more beer and sat on his ass and didn’t say two words to his Mom. In the meantime, I was worried about Pickle being overheated from being out in the sun all day. He started to get disoriented and out of it, even MIL was worried about him. So, I ended up getting all the  kids stuff together and getting the kids and the car and then announcing that we were leaving. He made a point to make me look like I was being dramatic in front of his Mom and she actually corrected him and told him Pickle was acting really strangely and needed to go home. That never happens.

I just don’t understand this shit.

I go to him and tell him that I am tired of the way he treats me and that I don’t even want to be around him anymore and that I had been thinking about separating. Instead of stepping up and giving me a reason to change my mind, he just further pushes me away. That’s what I can’t stand most about him. Whenever you need him to step up, he just makes it all about him, buckles under the pressure and then feels sorry for himself, drowning out everything. I’m sick of it. I’m tired of running in the same circles. Everything is fine if I just accept things for what they are, but I can’t.

I guess this is the thanks I get for sticking with him through everything, for taking in his son like my own, for finding his father for him, for adopting Pickle. No, I’m not wanting to be a victim. I just think I deserve so much more love, respect and appreciation and so do they.

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