husband and I are at odds.
Not regular odds, but something has gone seriously wrong in our marriage, the rope is rapidly fraying odds.
I don’t even know where to start in hashing out what went wrong, except way back at the beginning of our marriage.
I guess in the last few months, I’ve really been doing a lot of thinking about our relationship, or lack thereof. It just seems like I am responsible for everything and he reaps all the benefits. Him going to work is his contribution to our marriage and I am to expect nothing more. And on top of that, he’s so condescending and hurtful to me. In my heart and my mind…it just seems so wrong after all the sacrifices I’ve made for our marriage, for our family … for him. Yes, I realize that all marriages require sacrifice, but shouldn’t it come on both parts? Am I wrong to expect to be appreciated? After seeing D through so much, after seeing him through so much, after …. everything. Why am I always giving and how can he keep taking? I guess somewhere I thought that if I kept doing and going that he would appreciate me more, that he would love and adore me more and instead he just wants and expects more. I guess I kinda feel owed, and for some reason, maybe so does he. I’m sure I could make this work, if I continue to fork out everything I can and take whatever he gives back in return, but the truth is that I don’t think I have anymore to give him and that he’s to selfish to step up and do the work himself.
Separation was a topic of discussion after I finished listening. He didn’t say anything at first. Then he told me that wasn’t the answer. I started telling him all the things I felt (basically everything mentioned above) to which he replied with his normal condescending tone, “Poor Stephanie, your life is so horrible.” When I didn’t get angry and just replied that I wasn’t looking for his pity and really didn’t give his opinion of me much esteem anyways, he then said he would take the necessary steps to go in the direction of separation. There was silence for over and hour. Then he acted like it never happened. Never brought it up. Went to Home Depot bought some stuff for the yard. Worked on that. We drank beer and watched the Cavs lose game 7. We sleep in the same bed but don’t touch, he kisses me good-bye and hello. Everything is like some robotic function now. It’s gotten really weird and I have no idea what will happen next. I really don’t want to get divorced. Aside from not wanting to put the kids through hell, and if I’m honest worrying that if we do go our separate ways, when they are in his care that they will be in danger if he’s drinking or his simply being to preoccupied with himself.
(sigh) I really do love and care for him. I want my marriage to work, but I just can’t do it all on my own anymore.