I had one of those dreams last night that just really shook me to my core. As I sit here typing about it, I have tears welling up in my eyes.
I dreamt that I had decided to go to church with my Mom for Mother’s Day. The church was way out in the country and I felt as if I were in a different state, I’m not sure if it was Virginia, not the over populated DC suburb where I grew up, but more out into the country, but it’s a church I had never been to. It was a white church with a red door and there were wildflowers blooming everywhere. The church’s lot was sectioned off by tall rows of sunflowers, so tall that aside from the church that sat dead center to their blooms, there was no other landscape to be seen over them. I was almost skipping in a juvenile way to the door and suddenly felt weighted down, slowed, like I couldn’t move any faster than slow motion. When I got to the door, I couldn’t open it and started to panic. I continued in slow motion around the back of the church and saw one of those little basement windows open. So, I attempted to crawl though it and the glass shattered, slicing me everywhere. I had blood on my hands and legs and it was covering the white dress I had worn. I ran to find a bathroom and as I turned on the faucet and tried to rinse my hands, I realized that the more water I applied, the more I bleed. I started to hear someone sobbing, at first I thought it was a voice I recognized but, as I opened the bathroom door I realized it was a child with a blood curdling cry. I started to run through the basement of the church, which wound around like a maze, crying out, “I’m coming, I’m going to find you, I’m going to help you”. I thought I heard the cries coming from a dark room. No lights were on. It was so dark in this place that I could only feel my way around and somehow in the midst of all of this, I realized I was in Matilda’s apartment. The screams were still coming from someplace inside this room. I opened the door to her bedroom and there were a bunch of guys sitting around, smoking and drinking. It’s still incredibly dark so I can only see their outlines. I start asking them if they hear the screams and why they aren’t doing anything. I start to cry, feeling helpless. I feel my way down the hallway and into the kitchen, where the floor has disappeared, it’s like a huge abyss. I have to cling to the walls in order not to fall in. Deep in the darkness of this abyss I can barely make out a figure. It’s Matilda. She’s sobbing and begging for my hand, for my help. I lay flat on the floor and reach out to her, screaming to her “not to give up”. All around my hand there is light leaving my fingers, but it’s like it is coming against a solid wall of darkness that it can’t penetrate and that I can’t reach through. I hear a voice behind me telling me that it’s hopeless, that she’s helpless, that she’s lost and there’s nothing we can do about it. So I stand up and jump in and just fall, endlessly, still hearing the cries, still hearing her voice. I cry out form the depths…”GOD, HELP ME, HELP US, PLEASE!” and suddenly I’m standing in front of the church with the red door again. My dress is white again, my hands are healed as if nothing ever happened…but I still remember Ruthie. I run into the church yelling at everyone to go help her. Everyone that I have seen around her or that I have seen in her pictures in real life are all in the church and they can’t hear me. I’m sobbing and all I can hear is her screams, but nobody else can.
And then I woke up.
I really can’t explain how much this dream upset me. I can’t even really explain why. It just did. I probably already understand the underlying meaning of this dream more than I care to admit, because it just makes me angry. It makes me angry to care about someone so much, who longs to be cared for, only to have them disregard you. I take that back… the problem with being some what intelligent is that you understand that anger is a secondary emotion…with the primary being either pain … or fear. I am hurt. I just don’t know what other choice I have but to carry on with my life. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, or doesn’t even realize, or can’t admit maybe, that they need help. You can’t be there, when they don’t want you around.
The one thing I’v learned about people in my lifetime is that we are prideful and I now understand why pride is greatest sin in the kingdom of heaven. Pride will destroy you and eat you alive. If you think you know it all, if you must always be right and can’t hear others …. that’s all you’ll ever have. It will keep you from true glory in your life, in love, in your relationships and in your spirit.
I can’t be sure anymore what I’m talking about or where I’m going with this because my thoughts and emotions are all over the place on the subject of Ruthie but at least I can admit it. That’s something I suppose.