The calm after the storm?

I had hopes things here at home would have settled back down.

We were finally able to sit down Friday night and have a long talk about EVERYTHING. I got to tell him everything that was bothering me and I let him tell me what was bothering him. He pointed out that the last couple weeks have been rough because of me and the kids being sick, that I’ve been frustrated because there isn’t anytime for myself with school, kids, house stuff to take care and that he’s been frustrated with all the stuff going on at work and me not having anytime for him. This is true. I also told him how hurtful he is sometimes when he says things and he was finally able to understand why and apologized. I really had decided to let it go, instead of rolling it over and over and over again in my head, until Saturday night.

My sister came over for a cook out. And guess who got buzzed up and was saying things that were pretty embarrassing? He kept saying things to my sister that didn’t make any sense and she was, like other people do to him all the time, rolling her eyes and laughing at him when he walked away or wasn’t looking. People treat him like he’s a joke and that he’s stupid. I used to want to defend this and now I don’t.  It’s just embarrassing .

Monday we went to a cook-out at his brother’s house. Everything was pretty normal. Normal in that he drank, acted all honkey dorey with the kids when he noticed people were looking and then would ignore us. He hung out and drank with his family, while I dealt with the kids. When I told him at 7:30 that we needed to get going and get the kids to bed cause it was a work day tomorrow, he said he wanted to stay to and show his Mom the pictures from Day out w/ Thomas and the ballgame, yet he got more beer and sat on his ass and didn’t say two words to his Mom. In the meantime, I was worried about Pickle being overheated from being out in the sun all day. He started to get disoriented and out of it, even MIL was worried about him. So, I ended up getting all the  kids stuff together and getting the kids and the car and then announcing that we were leaving. He made a point to make me look like I was being dramatic in front of his Mom and she actually corrected him and told him Pickle was acting really strangely and needed to go home. That never happens.

I just don’t understand this shit.

I go to him and tell him that I am tired of the way he treats me and that I don’t even want to be around him anymore and that I had been thinking about separating. Instead of stepping up and giving me a reason to change my mind, he just further pushes me away. That’s what I can’t stand most about him. Whenever you need him to step up, he just makes it all about him, buckles under the pressure and then feels sorry for himself, drowning out everything. I’m sick of it. I’m tired of running in the same circles. Everything is fine if I just accept things for what they are, but I can’t.

I guess this is the thanks I get for sticking with him through everything, for taking in his son like my own, for finding his father for him, for adopting Pickle. No, I’m not wanting to be a victim. I just think I deserve so much more love, respect and appreciation and so do they.

Good advice from the Good Book 5/28/06

A fool openly lets his anger be known, but a prudent man keeps quiet about dishonor (Proverbs 12:16).

Lips of truth endure on and on, but a lying tongue is only for a moment (Proverbs 12:19).

The mind of a righteous man ponders a reply, while the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things (Proverbs 15:28).

Answer not a fool’s foolishness, lest you make a fool of yourself (Proverbs 26:4).

I wish

  • there weren’t so many people suffering in the world
  • things didn’t have to be so complicated
  • more people had orgasmic sex
  • my friends could find happiness
  • that marriage vows meant something still
  • more people used condoms instead of abortion as birth control
  • that you really did reap what you sowed
  • I could be closer to my extended family
  • I could forget when I forgive
  • words didn’t cut deeper than knives
  • our government wasn’t so tainted
  • we could all just get along
  • sexual abuse wasn’t a silent epidemic
  • people took more responsibility for their actions
  • the paparazzi chased politicians instead of celebrities.
  • honesty were still a virtue
  • I had more answers than questions
  • I would never see another woman have alcohol poured on her in a video
  • compassion & mercy were passed out more than judgement
  • when you fell out of love with someone, you would always remain friends
  • little girls were never called fat or ugly
  • I could afford to hire a maid
  • people who wanted children were fertile
  • people who don’t want children were infertile
  • we wouldn’t all be so prideful
  • there were holistic doctors available in medical insurance plans
  • the atomic bomb had never been created
  • I could travel more
  • character mattered more than your waist or wallet
  • my children would never suffer any illness or heartache
  • fear didn’t have so much power over us
  • someone had stepped up for my husband as a child
  • I could undo somethings in my mother’s life
  • men needed intimacy more than sex
  • I could make a sustaining income as a stay-at-home Mom
  • I could make more of a difference
  • I could see the big picture

Another fight 5/25/06

This morning before my husband left for work we had a fight about finances. It was really absurd.

He started to ask me questions about how much money was in our checking account. I told him I hadn’t spent any money that we hadn’t talked about when we sat down and did bills Monday. He asked why it still showed a balance of $230 when I said it would all go to bills. When I told him I hadn’t yet paid all of them because of I wanted to make sure all the debits we had done over the weekend had cleared. He asked again, what was in the account, I said the money for the bills and that was it. He started talking really slowly to me like I didn’t understand him. Again, being condescending. So I asked him why he was asking me about money when he had 70+dollars in his wallet and he said because he didn’t want to spend it. Then I asked why he would take money out of the bills account to spend when he had $70. He said because if there was extra money he would use that. I explained AGAIN that we had already discussed there would be no money and what was in the account was all going to bills. He picks up the register again and says, “Well then why does this say there is $230?!?” I grab the thing and take a pen and wrote a big ZERO across the register and handed it back and said, “Now it says zero, do you see, do you understand?” He throws the register down and says, “Fuck it, I’ll just go to the bank and see what’s there.” I then had to stop and explain to him that if he went to the bank it would show a lot more than $230 because some of the bills won’t come out and checks won’t clear until next week. He kept pestering and pestering until I ended up throwing/breaking a glass in the sink and yelling, ” I can’t take anymore of this psycho asshole bullshit.” Which of course I shouldn’t have said or done…because then it became all about how I attacked him and that’s why we can’t have a conversation.  It ended with him telling me how it was degrading to him that I tell him what he can and cannot spend, that I ask for his debit card and give him $20 until I get the checkbook balanced. This makes me think I should just hand all the financial crap over to him and se how he does if I take my debit card and just go buy a  bunch of shit without saying anything. I would, but honestly he’d probably do something deranged like stop making payments on “my” credit card debt.

Speaking of deranged, somehow he “accidentally” took my keys with him to work. Hmmmm, doesn’t that seem ironic that he felt controlled and ended up with my keys, thus controlling that I couldn’t leave??? I know that might sound crazy, but HE CAN BE CRAZY. These are the kinds of things he does. To make my day better, I forgot to give Pickle his anti-seizure medication this morning, while fighting with my husband. I had already made doctor appointments for myself and Jedi, so I had to call my Mom for a ride. Then Jedi locked the door behind us and I’ve been locked out all day.

I really do love this shit.

I’m so fed up and confused. It really is like talking to a wall with him. It’s so weird that he gets so bent out of shape. While I guess he was trying to make a point in his favor, he only managed to make things worse, push me further away and confirm thoughts I was already having.

Perplexing findings – 5/24/06

Today, as I was outside on my patio, soaking up the sunshine and nice weather, preparing to update my site. I decided to go find a layout that would brighten it up a little bit. I logged into an Internet site and started browsing when I saw “Website stats” in the right hand corner. Ohhhhhh yeh, my site tracker. So, I go to check it out, wondering if an ominous ex would pop up again. Lo an behold, there she is, as my third most frequent visitor (aside from only me and my cousin).

Can someone please, PLEASE, explain to me why someone who always has a negative opinion about how boring, lifeless, pathetic and whiny I am would need to constantly (almost daily) check up on my Xanga site? It might be a little less creepy if she didn’t LOATHE me so much. I mean really, what’s the point? If I’m such a disappointment and she holds me in such low regard why would she bother herself with the knowledge of it on a daily basis?

I haven’t been to her site in awhile, in fact, I haven’t even thought about her much but, this information got the better of me and despite my previous decision to avoid her and anything having to do with her, I clicked her site to find a pretty obvious comment about myself in her first line.

To reward her devotion on her next visit, I’ll take the bait and respond.

#1- I don’t hate you. In fact, I haven’t done anything to you. YOU were an asshole and most disrespectful TO ME.

#2- The reason I don’t talk to you anymore isn’t because you are loud, obnoxious or don’t fear being wrong. It’s because you have simply become a rude, bitch.It’s boring. Anyone can do that. Personally, I think it just shows more intelligence and class to not fear APOLOGIZING instead of not fearing to say whatever ignorant thing enters your head.

#3- I am NOT pursuing the same things you are. Me obtaining my degree in paralegal studies was something discussed long before you even enrolled. If you LISTENED more than you ran your mouth about yourself….you would have known that. Not everything has to do with you, dear. But, at least your consistent and go on playing out that, “no fear of being wrong” thing. Hope that works out for ya. In the meantime, I promise, I have NO desire to be ANYTHING like you.

Just one small other point.

I think it speaks volumes about you and your priorities that you desire to keep in touch with a man whom you say treated you “like shit” and got you “all fucked up in the head” but can’t be bothered with and will look down upon someone who was there, listened and held you while you cried through it all. Nice. Really, good luck with that. Do you know that you have made the statement several times that you wish you could be treated the way you treat others? This my dear, is me pointing out that you do. You turn your back on those who genuinely care about you and seek out those who couldn’t care less. You may not like everything about me, I don’t like everything about you, but I was always a good friend to you always. That should have been all that mattered.

Let me save you a little trouble and time. Depsite what you think, I don’t talk about you here or anywhere else for that matter. I’m not doing what you do. This site is about me. If you don’t like me or who I am, then you really have no reason to be here and so I would really appreciate it if you would just stay out of my life altogether. asta.

Things have gotten weird.

The husband and I are at odds.

Not regular odds, but something has gone seriously wrong in our marriage, the rope is rapidly fraying odds.

I don’t even know where to start in hashing out what went wrong, except way back at the beginning of our marriage.

I guess in the last few months, I’ve really been doing a lot of thinking about our relationship, or lack thereof. It just seems like I am responsible for everything and he reaps all the benefits. Him going to work is his contribution to our marriage and I am to expect nothing more. And on top of that, he’s so condescending and hurtful to me. In my heart and my mind…it just seems so wrong after all the sacrifices I’ve made for our marriage, for our family … for him. Yes, I realize that all marriages require sacrifice, but shouldn’t it come on both parts? Am I wrong to expect to be appreciated? After seeing D through so much, after seeing him through so much, after …. everything. Why am I always giving and how can he keep taking? I guess somewhere I thought that if I kept doing and going that he would appreciate me more, that he would love and adore me more and instead he just wants and expects more. I guess I kinda feel owed, and for some reason, maybe so does he. I’m sure I could make this work, if I continue to fork out everything I can and take whatever he gives back in return, but the truth is that I don’t think I have anymore to give him and that he’s to selfish to step up and do the work himself.

((sigh))

Separation was a topic of discussion after I finished listening.  He didn’t say anything at first. Then he told me that wasn’t the answer. I started telling him all the things I felt (basically everything mentioned above) to which he replied with his normal condescending tone, “Poor Stephanie, your life is so horrible.” When I didn’t get angry and just replied that I wasn’t looking for his pity and really didn’t give his opinion of me much esteem anyways, he then said he would take the necessary steps to go in the direction of separation. There was silence for over and hour. Then he acted like it never happened. Never brought it up. Went to Home Depot bought some stuff for the yard. Worked on that. We drank beer and watched the Cavs lose game 7. We sleep in the same bed but don’t touch, he kisses me good-bye and hello. Everything is like some robotic function now. It’s gotten really weird and I have no idea what will happen next. I really don’t want to get divorced. Aside from not  wanting to put the kids through hell, and if I’m honest worrying that if we do go our separate ways, when they are in his care that they will be in danger if he’s drinking or his simply being to preoccupied with himself.

(sigh) I really do love and care for him. I want my marriage to work, but I just can’t do it all on my own anymore.

Choking

I wish I could put my finger on what exactly it is that I’m feeling right now and express it clearly … I just can’t. I’m at a lost for understanding things. Maybe it’s because there is a lot of noise around me that makes it hard to zone in on one focus point or maybe it’s because all things don’t always make sense. My head is just a lot of jumbled up deep thoughts that I can’t convey at the moment. Part of me thinks, I’m just tired of having a chastiser looming around all my posts to criticize and disect my words. The thoughts I’m tossing around and choke back come from a very honest place and judgement is the last thing needed.

So I avoid … and resent.

There is this, though. This song. I’ve listened to it over a dozen times this morning. It kinda speaks of the place where I am right now.

“Come to me now

And lay your hands over me

Even if it’s a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe

I’m broken in two
And I know you’re on to me
That I only come home
When I’m so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won’t give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it’s true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key

Never again
would I turn away from you
I’m so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won’t give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe”

~ Sheryl Crow, I Shall Believe

Songs & Memories

Today has been one of those days, where every song played on my custom station on Yahoo! has flooded my mind with memories of someone or someplace or some point in time.

Ever had a day like that?

These are the last ten songs and the memory that goes along with it. It is a strange and diverse mix, but when it comes to music…I feel selling out would be sticking to one particular genre. I just like what speaks to my soul and that is everchanging, as it should be.

Arms Wide Open – Creed: Quite appropriately, this song came out when I found out I was pregnant with my peanut, Jedi. It wasn’t planned, but welcomed. It brings up the memory of me, 7mos pregnant, at a Creed concert with my husband’s arms wrapped around me, his hands on my belly, while he whispered the words to this song in my ear.

Always a Woman to Me – Billy Joel: A song someone once told me reminded them of me, everytime they hear it. I used to think it was pretty insulting, but as the years have passed, I can see the truth to it. It makes me reflect.

I Shall Believe – Sheryl Crow: This song reminds me of my husband and that desire to have things the way you want them and not knowing exactly how to get there.

I Like The Way You Move – Outkast: I spent a night out with my brother-in-law once. We got completely wasted, ran up a huge tab and had a blast. We danced to this song together and laughed like wasted drunks do. Good times.

Because of You – Kelly Clarkson: The last time I saw Mailda’s daughter, Carissa, she was looking up Kelly Clarkson songs on Yahoo! on my computer like she always does when she’s over. This  was one she played over and over and she marked as one of her favorites. I asked her why she liked it and she said it was about parents. I had never made that connection before, but listening to it with her, I got it, I heard what she heard and it broke my heart. Still does.

 

Two Little Birds – Bob Marley: Bob Marley always reminds me of hanging out with the boys I grew up with on my block back home. Whether it was just sitting and talking on the hood of someone’s car or playing cards and drinking Boone’s Farm (cause we were cool like that).

 

It’s Been Awhile – Staind: There’s a lot packed into this song. It’s very heavy for me. It came out when my husband and I were separated. It was a very torturous time for both us that forced us both to look at things that we had been ignoring and shutting down. The first time I ever heard it was when he bought me the CD and asked me to listen to the track. That song spoke a thousand words that weren’t heard by anyone else but us.

Innocent – Our Lady Peace: If you know this song, imagine thousands singing along with the chorus, on a hot summer night, next to a lake.  It was a beautiful moment I got to share with my sister.

Anytime – Brian McKnight: Anything by Brian McKnight reminds me of Darryl for some reason. But this song in particular because it was popular around the time that we went our separate ways and there was still this thing between us. That invisible string between our hearts. That wish that we had never crossed that line in our friendship and trying to figure out how to forget what we found when we did.

More Bounce to the Ounce – Zapp & Roger: ROLLERSKATING for starters. This is my jam, ya’ll. If you don’t know then you better ask somebody.

 

Question of the day: What song has the deepest memory attahced to it for you and why? OR  if you have one, what song reminds you of me and why?

How do you take breathing for granted?

As I sit here with a tissue, twirled into a little point and wedge into one nostril while propping my head up my other hand cause I feel no strength to hold it up myself, I wonder how one could ever take something like breathing through your nose for granted. Yet somehow I have.

Do you know how completely retarded you look drinking out of cup only to remove it, gasp for air through the mouth like you had been drowning and then return to drinking?

I hate, HATE having a sinus infection but …I am in awe at my body’s capacity to create snot and mucus. Where does it all come from? I have blown my nose straight through two boxes of kleenex and am working on my third in the past, I dunno, 4 days and yet it’s still in my nose, it always returns. Efficient little boogers they are.

I’m miserable…in a physical sense, very happy in others. Guess you gotta roll with the punches.

 This is too funny not to mention.

 There was a complete write-up in the local paper, front page news mind you, regarding how this woman got a DUI on her BIKE. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  I had to post this, cause it reads just like one of those dumbest criminal write-ups. What makes it even funnier is that this “woman” is my husband‘s Aunt. (by marriage – that’s very important to say.)

 

Ravenna woman charged with DUI on bicycle

By Tom Prusha

Record-Courier staff writer

A Ravenna woman has been cited with DUI, running a red light, and hit skip by Ravenna police – all while riding a bicycle.

Brenda E. Jones, 48, also known as Jane Cracker, of 608 Page St. was riding her bike northbound on Sycamore Street at the Main Street intersection early Wednesday morning when she failed to stop for a red light, according to Ravenna police.

This is the fifth time she has been charged with DUI in Portage County since 1992. She was found guilty on two of the charges, another charge was dismissed, and the final charge was reduced with conviction of the reduced charge.

Police report that after turning onto Main Street, she reportedly dodged one vehicle, caused another to swerve and then struck a westbound car head on. The car was not damaged.

Jones fell to the pavement and the car’s driver, Thomas Ballard Jr. and his wife, both of Ravenna Township, told Jones to lie down and wait for a squad. Instead, police say Jones grabbed her bike and fled north on Sycamore Street.

She was later spotted by Lt. Richard Bennett riding the bike north on Cleveland Road. She refused to stop pedaling and rode the bike off the road and into a bush.

Sgt. Tim Mullen said witnesses to the crash told him Jones smelled of alcohol. Mullen said he later met with Jones and reported she was highly intoxicated and smelled of beer. According to the report, Jones told Mullen she drank five beers.

Jones told Mullen that her bicycle had no brakes and that is why she sped out onto Main Street. Mullen said he checked and found both the front and rear brakes were operational.

She was taken to Robinson Memorial Hospital in Ravenna by the Ravenna Township Fire Department.

She was taken to the Portage County jail after her hospital treatment and booked on an active warrant that was issued by the sheriff’s department.

——————————————————————————————————-

Yes, she really does use the alias, Jane Cracker. I just can’t believe they wrote that in the paper though and what’s worse? She actually called a local news channel and told them she was being profiled by the police because of her prior DUIs and that’s she’s going to fight the charges. They showed her riding around on her bike in her driveway looking like complete white trash with her front tooth missing, talking about how she has a bum wrist and ankle and the brakes were bad on her bike and that’s why she couldn’t stop. They actually mentioned that she doesn’t have a car and got her bike out of the trash. (severe eye roll)

Now, let me mention that she fractured her wrist and ankle falling while she was drunk, if you watched closely, she uses the brakes in the video clip, she doesn’t have a car cause she wrecked it driving drunk and she did this interview from my husband‘s Uncle’s house, which he’s kicked her out of and she keeps breaking into. This is a shining example at how the media swings things to create controversy. Like, casually leaving out the 20 other public records she has for being drunk in public, possession of drugs, etc, etc. this is her 4th charge for something or other in the last 6 MONTHS! Anybody who knows her, could tell you she’s a crackhead. She’s lucky to be alive, hell, she’s lucky she’s not in jail and she’s gonna fight it? She’s gonna make accusations like that? You rode out in front of traffic, dumbass!

Some people just never learn.

I’m just amused to be around TiVO when it happens.

1 week down, ? to go

I made it through my first week of school. Got A’s on my assignments, which I admit were very easy assignments because it is the first week of school. But regardless, I made it. got everything turned in early, got a good grade and am already half into next week’s assignments. I think once I get this LexusNuxus & West Law Research databases down, I’ll even start compiling info for my final paper. I promised myself I wouldn’t procastinate. I  think this was a great idea to start working on my degree BEFORE the kids were off to school. In fact, I encourage anyone whose a SAHM Mom and has internet access to look into distance learning online. It’s a great way to get a certificate, an associates or bachelors degree, and in some things you can even finish up your Master’s degree.


Going back to school makes me feel much more accomplished or something. I mean, I know I’m always doing stuff as a SAHM, but it’s always so repeatitive that now I actually feel like I’m doing something productive. Like I’m getting somewhere. It’s very encouraging.


Plus, I think I’ve finally gotten to the bottom of some of my own emotional issues. That’s a whole other subject for a different day, but I think I did figure out what the hell was wrong with me, so to speak. It’s been a very empowering thing.