Scared

My Mom is still in the hospital. Monday evening right after they were here visiting with the kids, my Mom started having chest pain so bad that she had my Dad take her to the ER. She was having such bad heart arrhythmia that they had to give her nitro glycerin. Then they admitted her and she’s been there ever since. She looks bad. Really pale and weak and after nitrate patches and morphine, she still keeps having these episodes every two hours or so where she feels pain and pressure in her chest. I saw it happen and it really shook me to the core. I guess you don’t really stop and think about your parents mortality because it’s just too scary to think about. It certainly sucks when it’s staring … slapping you, in the face. I swear to you, that I physically feel her pain. When I walk into her room, I feel … something just come over me. Even before she starts to tell me that the pain in her chest is creeping up again, I FEEL it in my own.  I kept waking up last night with the pain.

This situation is just frustrating because they can’t really give us any answers and I just have this gut feeling that all of this is, or was, leading to a heart attack. I’m just glad she’s at the hospital, in a cardiac wing being monitored constantly.

(((sigh)))

They are supposed to do an ultrasound of her heart today. Please, please, please pray for my Mom. I need her. I’m very scared.

As I sat here Monday morning thinking of what I wanted to say in my weblog entry, I had this overwhelming feeling come over me that something bad was going to happen. I actually typed it and then went back and deleted it, second guessing myself, being wary of being negative. The feeling was so compelling that when my Dad called me Monday afternoon and told me that he couldn’t get a hold of my Mom and that she was about to miss a very expected delivery at her house, I threw the kids in the car and drove over there, banging on the door and the windows. I was actually getting ready to cry by the time my Mom answered the door. I told her.

“Mom, you scared the shit out of me. I really thought something was wrong.”

And when my sister called me Monday night all worked up and worried with the same bad feeling, I dismissed her because of what had happened earlier. I told her I was sure everything was fine. I got off the phone and was going to get dressed and drive back over to check on them, but figured I was just worrying about nothing.

Me denying these gut feelings, these instincts is because of people telling me that I worry to much, that I’m a drama queen, that I need to learn to relax …

My point?

Don’t deny your gut deep instincts. Ever. No matter what anyone else might say, listen to yourself.

8 thoughts on “Scared

  1. The night before my mom died of a massive heart attack, I had a chest pain so bad it almost made me fall out of my chair. Almost exactly twenty-four hours later, she was pronounced dead.Gut feelings, that sort of thing… they are REAL. And even if you think it’s silly… is it ever silly to make sure a loved one is OK?I am praying for you. If you need ANYTHING please let me know. I wish you strength, hon…(((hugs)))

  2. One just went up from Illinois.  I’m sure hoping he listens to this one… 
    Here’s a hug.  *hug*  It’s all I can do for you right now, and I know it’s not enough. 

  3. Many hugs and lots of positive thoughts are being directed your way.  You are strong and I have huge amounts of faith in you and your ability to handle this.
    Much Much love!

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