Truth be told

1. I have been proposed to 6x. 

Every serious relationship I’ve ever had, came with a marriage proposal at some point. I’ve accepted a ring 4 times. But it’s not as bad as it sounds, I promise.

Proposal 1-When I was 16 my boyfriend (Jason) proposed, I said no. Proposal 2- Next boyfriend (Darryl) proposed to me at 17 after his graduation from Basic Training, I said yes but we agreed that this was more of a promise ring situation. My father hated this because it was an interracial relationship. Was both really struggled with being so far away from each other and I broke it off, broke his heart.  Proposal 3- At 18, my boyfriend (James) proposed with a beautiful ring that I thought meant he was serious, I said yes. Only to have him decide after I bought my dress (a year later) that he wasn’t ready. Proposal 4- Darryl again. I was with James at the time and he knew about it, but it didn’t stop him from getting down on one knee, holding a black box in his hand that I never opened. This is one of those pivotal points in my life where things could’ve turned out MUCH differently had I ditched James (should have) and accepted. Proposal 5- My husband. It was the worst proposal ever, (it involved a can of tennis balls) but I accepted. This ring was tossed out of my car window somehow, during one of our MANY breakups.  He proposed again, with another ring, I accepted. That one went into a garbage disposal about a week before we got married.  Maybe somebody was trying to tell me something.

2. I can count my sexual partners on one hand. 

Only 4. I was never the kind of person who could just “do it”. I always felt like I had to have some sort of connection with that person. And with everyone of them….there was a waiting period of at least a month. Even with my husband, which some might find shocking, cause he’s like a sex fiend. They were all relationships that lasted over two years as well. And I guess, I’m da bomb because of the men I slept with … all of them proposed. HAHAHAHA!

3. I had a physical fight with my husband’s ex wife. 

Not my proudest moment, but it is true and it was a long time coming when it happened. My husband‘s family actually applauded me for this one. I didn’t not like the ex-wife because she was his ex-wife. This bitch (woman can not be used here) is CRAZY! Really. I’m not just saying that, she really does have a few screws loose and she had it coming. I can’t go into all the details but to make a long story short, when she lost custody of Pickle and in turn lost her child support money, and couldn’t hold him over our head anymore, she had no use for him anymore. She never called, took her visitations sporadically, would cause problems before or after her visitations that made it harder on Pickle. It pissed me off. There was a huge build up to this altercation. I’d held quite a bit back for his sake. After one particular visit, she brought Pickle home 3 hours early, without calling or nothing. I was getting ready to go have dinner with my friend, Crazie, when I passed her going towards our house. This is a trick she used to like to do. She would show up early to drop him off or up and would then go to the police station to say she couldn’t find us. We turn around and go back to the house. I walk up to her car, open the door, get Pickle out, put him in my friend’s car, shut the door and am getting ready to leave when she throws her car in reverse and starts screaming and cursing at me, “Fuckin’ BITCH! YOU CHILD STEALER! I’ll KILL YOU!” so finally I yelled back., “Honey, no one had to steal your child, you game him up to avoid that psych evaluation REMEMBER?!” True, but it lead to her getting out her car and right in my face. She was screaming and yelling and all I kept saying was “Get out of my face and don’t touch me.” If you know me, you can imagine how hard it was for me to stand and take this. Being a smart ass, she took one finger and touched me on the shoulder, and that was it. I shoved her back on her ass so hard that she hit her head on the pavement. She got up throwing her arms around, trying to swing at me, grabbed my shirt and pulled it half off (yes, it was like Jerry Springer) I landed a punch just before Crazie got out of the car, grabbed my hands and pushed me back. The ex went to hit her and Crazie said, “Uh, no bitch …you don’t want to do that.” Being that Crazie was in the Navy and is 6ft tall, it was a smart decision for her to get back in her car and leave. I have never been so enraged in all my life. I already despised her for everything she put Pickle through and when she was in my face, I was just envisioning myself bashing her head in. Crazie swears to this day that she thought I was, and looked like I was, going to kill her. I don’t think it would’ve gone that far, but I wanted to. The funny thing about all of this is that Crazie had just had surgery and had this big brace on her knee, so she had to limp very fast to get between us. Guess you had to be there, but it still cracks us up to talk about it.

4. I had plastic surgery. 

I had a breast REDUCTION in 2004. Best thing I ever did.

 

5. I’ve played the piano at the White House.

My Dad was in the Army and worked for the White House Communications Agency so I’ve been in the White House quite a bit for special events and Take Your Daughter to work day was always very cool, but once while we were there my parents were taking my picture in front of Ladybird Johnson’s piano someone approached and started talking so I turned around and played chopsticks. My parents were horrified as your not supposed to actually play it, but it makes for a good story.

Shit I did while I wasn’t here

My night out with Crazie Friday was just what I needed. She took me out to Cheeseburgers in Paradise and treated me to a huge glass of Sangria and of course…cheeseburgers as a way to celebrate my return to school. Had never been there before and rather enjoyed myself. At first, I thought the lounge singer was really cheesy, but then I realized that maybe that was the point and started singing along. Or maybe that was the huge glass of sangria kicking in. We had a very cool bar maid named, Jessica, who kept us entertained with her sarcasm and ability to throw full pints of beer across the bar without spilling them. It was all very ‘Cocktail‘ like. Stopped by and visited a friend’s bar and had a Jell-O shot she pawned off on us. Then over to Chuck’s Steakhouse to people watch and see First Offense, who kicked ass!

We started working on the patio in the back yard this weekend. We got all the edging up, got the fire pit set up and husband finished about 1/3 of the surface area. It’s going to be really nice when it’s all done. I’m thinking maybe we’ll have everyone over and have drinks by the fire. Really looking forward to that. We were supposed to go see his Dad’s band play out Saturday night but he said he didn’t want to go and we went on a date by ourselves. (gasp)

I got my enrollment completed for school. Paid my deposit. I am officially a college student … again. Got registered in my first classes. Still waiting for UofA to process my transcript request so I can find out how many of my credits will transfer and what classes I DON’T have to take … again.  Hopefully, I can get my orientation done tomorrow. The plan is to finish my Bachelor’s online ASAP so that I can still be home with the kiddos and then about the time I’m wrapping this up my baby girl will be headed to Kindergarten and then I can start working or go to Law School. I’m interested in Alternative Dispute Resolution, Mediation, Family Law kinds of things. It’s a little more expensive to do this online, but well worth it since I can still be at home. That’s my top priority. I’ll just be really happy and feel accomplished to have my Bachelor’s before I turn 30.

What I’d really like to be when I grow up is a guardian ad litem. They are like lawyers issued to find/protect the best interests of a child in court cases, whether it be victim rights in criminal cases or being an advocate for a child in a custody dispute. They don’t work for either side, they work for the child and having seen what I’ve seen through the court systems, that interests me a lot.

Pickle had his neurology appt at Children’s hospital. Took all 3 kids this time which was pretty funny. They are good kids but put all 3 of them in a little tiny exam room with 1 toy and it’s survival of the loudest. lol.

Here’s a funny kid story for the week…. I took Diva to get new shoes the other day and she was looking at the boy shoes and I, of course, was trying to find her something girly. We finally compromised on a pair of pink, cavas, mary janes but  I showed her these Cinderella shoes that lite up and said,

“Are you sure you don’t want these princess shoes?”

She sighs, rolls her eyes, put her hands on her hips and says,

“Mom, please stop it. I want this shoe.”

Kinda mind blowing, watching her go from 3 to 13 right before my eyes.

My best friend called me Sunday and wanted to do lunch, but with all the patio stuff going on, we postponed til Monday. We had good conversations. I got to pass off some of my favorite books to her. I also really like that she appreciates General Tso’s Chicken as much as I do. It was really good.

Now that I’ve rattled off a bunch of nonsense to waste time and try to tire myself out (and it didn’t work) I’ll go back to clearing out my CPU so I can sell it. The laptop my husband ordered me for school arrived this afternoon. I feel so grown-up using it. Did I mention that he somehow ended up ordering one for himself as well? Funny how that worked out. lol. Boys and their toys. He just couldn’t resist. This is like the time on my 20th birthday that he told me he wanted to take me to get my first tattoo and after my $55 tattoo on the small of my back … he dropped $120 on one that covered his whole forearm and the man had about 10 prior to this inking, but he just couldn’t resist. Ahh, whatever … he works hard. It’s nice that he’s able to treat himself to things as well. Despite being male … he’s alright.

Today is Ni’s ultrasound. She finds out the sex of the baby. I predict it’s a boy. I can’t wait to find out.

Watch out world, here I come.

As luck would have it, I filled out a FAFSA last year and completely forgot about it. My academic advisor called me today and told me I was approved for a Pell Grant for the 05-06 year and since I haven’t acted on it … that I should.

So, after much consideration, and figuring I’ve already waited 7 years, I’m jumping on the opportunity and will be starting back at school on May 10th!!! to finish up my bachelor’s degree. I was going to wait til August when Jedi starts kindergarten but, I figure I’ll just schedule my classes for nights and weekends until fall. That way I’m not twiddling my thumbs in the meantime.

So excited!!!!!!!!!! And nervous.

 

My Mom is home, but still pretty under the weather and frustrated as hell because everything is still in question, still no answers.

Have a good weekend all.

Again

My Mom is in the hospital again. Yesterday morning she had another really bad episode of chest pain. My Dad took her to the ER. The ER doctor said he didn’t think she was having a heart attack but that this was all a precursor to one. Her face turned totally white and she broke into a sweat, she had this look of complete fear come over her. Thank God for the nurse, Brenda, who talked her through her heart dipping down to 40bpms. Panic would not have been a good thing.

So far all the tests are coming back showing no damage, or clots or anything life threatening. BUT, the chest pain still remains.They were discussing doing a heart catherization this morning, but Mom wasn’t really for that since all the other tests are coming back good, they are 90% sure it’s not a heart problem and since there are more cardiac risk to her by going the catherization route than without doing it BUT, still there really are no answers.

It’s completely frustrating. Mostly because I think my Mom deserves better. If I had it my way, she wouldn’t be bothered by anything, ever and would become a patron saint or something like that. As much as she can drive me crazy, I love my mother more than words could ever say. I admire her a lot and have so much respect and appreciation for her and my father and the way they loved and raised me and my sister.

In that way, I have been most fortunate and will be forever grateful.

In other news (total subject change) … I’ve decided to go back to school this fall when Jedi starts kindergarten. Everything is almost in place and it looks like it might even be fully covered, including my books and everything. Plus, I will be doing a lot of my classes online from home so I don’t have to worry about daycare for the Diva. And because most of the credits I already have will transfer, I could be done with bachelor’s in two years, which will be perfect cause I’ll be finishing up as she starts school. Yay!

The Keys to My Heart

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You’d like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future… one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You’ll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.
 

 

Answers

My Mom is home and doing much better.

After getting back some test results yesterday afternoon, they found out that one part of her heart is beating so much faster than the other, that the blood is just sitting and becoming stagnant and clot-prone in another chamber. It was also causing fibrillation. This means it was a very good thing she went to the ER because #1, the fibrillation could have caused a heart attack and #2 the stagnant blood could’ve caused a clot, which if passed out of the heart, well….could turn into many other scary things, like a stroke.

She was VERY fortunate. And I am very grateful that she is ok. It was a really serious and scary experience. Maybe it will make her better adhere to her doctor’s recommendations. Fear has a way of knocking sense into you like that. I’d like for her to stick around A LOT longer.

Scared

My Mom is still in the hospital. Monday evening right after they were here visiting with the kids, my Mom started having chest pain so bad that she had my Dad take her to the ER. She was having such bad heart arrhythmia that they had to give her nitro glycerin. Then they admitted her and she’s been there ever since. She looks bad. Really pale and weak and after nitrate patches and morphine, she still keeps having these episodes every two hours or so where she feels pain and pressure in her chest. I saw it happen and it really shook me to the core. I guess you don’t really stop and think about your parents mortality because it’s just too scary to think about. It certainly sucks when it’s staring … slapping you, in the face. I swear to you, that I physically feel her pain. When I walk into her room, I feel … something just come over me. Even before she starts to tell me that the pain in her chest is creeping up again, I FEEL it in my own.  I kept waking up last night with the pain.

This situation is just frustrating because they can’t really give us any answers and I just have this gut feeling that all of this is, or was, leading to a heart attack. I’m just glad she’s at the hospital, in a cardiac wing being monitored constantly.

(((sigh)))

They are supposed to do an ultrasound of her heart today. Please, please, please pray for my Mom. I need her. I’m very scared.

As I sat here Monday morning thinking of what I wanted to say in my weblog entry, I had this overwhelming feeling come over me that something bad was going to happen. I actually typed it and then went back and deleted it, second guessing myself, being wary of being negative. The feeling was so compelling that when my Dad called me Monday afternoon and told me that he couldn’t get a hold of my Mom and that she was about to miss a very expected delivery at her house, I threw the kids in the car and drove over there, banging on the door and the windows. I was actually getting ready to cry by the time my Mom answered the door. I told her.

“Mom, you scared the shit out of me. I really thought something was wrong.”

And when my sister called me Monday night all worked up and worried with the same bad feeling, I dismissed her because of what had happened earlier. I told her I was sure everything was fine. I got off the phone and was going to get dressed and drive back over to check on them, but figured I was just worrying about nothing.

Me denying these gut feelings, these instincts is because of people telling me that I worry to much, that I’m a drama queen, that I need to learn to relax …

My point?

Don’t deny your gut deep instincts. Ever. No matter what anyone else might say, listen to yourself.

Ugh

I am really beside myself right now.

I’m angry at the world for it’s inability to be fair. Like, why is my Mom in the hospital? This woman of unshaken faith and spirituality, instead of some drunken, obnoxious waste of space? Why is there no justice? Where is karma? Does that have anything to do with anything, anyways? Maybe you really can do what you want and get away with it and those of us bound to morals and values are just screwing ourselves.

I realize I’m not really mad. It’s more fear psychologically. I’m scared to death of losing my mother. My world wouldn’t seem complete without her in it. God, even saying words like that distress me.

And my husband….I believe we’ve reached the final straw. He has no compassion. I wonder what really happened to him in his life that made him so cold. And I wonder how much more I can take. His attitude regarding my time at my mother’s hospital bedside, is beyond shitty and selfish. His comments about our sex life in front of my cousin were so hurtful and embarassing and UNTRUE! I can’t let it go. I thought it might be my pride, but really, it just hurts.

I’m sick of being hurt. I’m over letting people walk all over me. My Mom did that her whole life too.

For Mom – things are gonna change.

Diva’s Birthday Weekend

My cousin and her daughter are on their way back to Virginia.

It was great to have them up to celebrate Diva’s birthday. They got here Thursday afternoon. It was great to see Ni with her pregnant belly again. I guess when you grow up with someone and share all your hopes and dreams with one another it’s nice to see them come to life down the line.

Anyways, Diva’s birthday was actually on Friday (4/7) so we took the little ones  out to Chuck E. Cheese. They had a blast. Actually so did me & Ni. We got into one of those pictures booths and had our photo sketched. Husband was nice enough to let us go out Friday night for a little shopping and a late night pregnant craving run. Waffle fries doused in cheese sauce and a sundae with peanut butter sauce at Friendly’s. That was somewhat nostalgic to us as we shared many meals at Friendly’s as kids with our Moms and then later in high school by ourselves. Diva’s Spongebob themed birthday party for the big 3 was Saturday. Had the family over. She got a TON! of presents. That’s the good thing about having a big family and her being the littlest girl, everyone wants to dote on her and she’s more than happy to humor them. Everyone “awwed” when she got excited over money in cards and said, “This is great birthday.” She’s so sweet.

My parents came over this morning with coffee and doughnuts from Krispy Kreme. It made for a good send off for Ni and her baby girl to make their journey back home.

It was hella good to have her here this weekend. I miss her already.

(smile)

This weekend was really nice.

We spent a lot of time together as a family, just being a family. We popped popcorn and watched kid movies, went on a couple excursions to favorites places for ice cream and such and we spent a good 45 minutes wrestling this afternoon. Pretty fun. We all ganged up on Daddy and tickled his feet. Made him laugh until he cried.

And a special treat for Mom and Dad … there was sex. Not that there isn’t always that, cause it’s pretty much a daily thing, but it was long, drawn out, lots of foreplay, multiple orgasmic sex. Looooove making ya’ll. And it was good. Very, VERY good.

On a very different note … Baby Girl is back to her bubbly cute self.

(content sigh)    smile.