I’ve fallen and I can’t get up

My mood sucks. I waver back and forth between feeling sorry for myself and being really pissed off.

I’m pretty certain that I have another damn cyst in my ovary. It gets old. I’m frustrated. And while I realize it could be worse, that doesn’t really do anything for me. In fact that thought kinda pisses me off too in all honesty. I mean, really? Is the only way to make me feel better about things to tell myself it could be worse??? What the hell kind of condolence is that shit?

I’m really fed up with is my husband being fed up with me. As if this is something I can control. As if I’m not killing myself trying to make sure he doesn’t have to put in any extra god damn effort on my behalf. I don’t ask him for shit, except maybe to let me go to bed early. I’ve kept up with the house, the kids, the laundry, making dinner and you know what? What the fuck is up with him not appreciating any god damn thing I do until it’s not done?

Now, on top of already feeling inadequate for not being able to do more than I’m doing, I’m catching shit because we haven’t had sex in 2 days? 2DAYS!!! And instead of him realizing that it’s a fuckin circumstance and not some huge character or relationship flaw, I’m getting, “Do you love me? I’m so lonely.” crap. I’m not saying his feelings are crap, they are his feelings. I just think it’s bullshit that this stuff only comes up when the world stops revolving around him. Like clockwork. I can expect it. Hell, just look back through my blog. After Pickle was in the hospital for a week, I caught shit off him because he was “lonely”. For the love of Christ,  we just spent the WHOLE weekend together. We spent an entire night out alone and do you know what the fuck we talked about the whole time.? Him and his goddamn job and what was going on with him. THE WHOLE TIME.  Normally it wouldn’t bother me, I’m his wife, his partner. He should be unable to unload on me, but when I get slapped in the face with such selfishness in return, it’s just, stupid. Where the fuck is my partner, by the way?

I don’t need this drama.

Jesus, I AM SO SICK OF THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It just makes all of this harder. It’s him doing shit like this that makes me want to pull away. Cause I just feel like there’s no making him happy. You know, god forbid I should end up finding out I have breast cancer or some shit like that. We’d never make it. I’d never make it. Cause if it’s not about him, forget it.

As much as I’ve sacraficed for this man, you’d think the least I could get is some compassion.

:::edit:::

Well guys, you can all thank my friend Crazie for MAKING me call my OB/GYN for the appointment to have my ovaries AND that lump in my breast checked out. You’ll be happy to know, I’ll be in stirrups in a tacky, uncomfortable paper gown tomorrow morning at 9:15.

9 thoughts on “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up

  1. eeeek… no need to comment on my post, darling.  I’ll let it slide this time…  I could give you a billion little tips to try and talk to him, blah blah blah, but what you need, honestly, is to be as selfish as he’s being.  And throw a tantrum of your own.  Let that silly bastard know how you feel with angry words and some yelling.  It’s long past the time that you did that, obviously. 
    Get to the doctor, Steph.  You need to get this stuff taken care of asap…
    love ya.

  2. first, make sure you get yourself checked out. We worry about you and don’t want anything to be wrong.
    As far as hubby acting like a 2 year old.. well maybe its time to treat him how he acts! Make him realize that not only is it immature, but its also disrepectful towards you! I’m sorry sweetie, hopefully he’ll pull his head outta his ass and make things better.

  3. wow.  Well said.  I think there is a point where all of us wives need to rant about the man we love.  He is lucky you love him.  im sure if you didnt you wouldnt put up with that shit.  I know i wouldnt.  I have had my share of those times where its all about him.  I think the older they get, the worse it gets because the kids arent so dependent on us and they see that.  To them that means more them time.  2 days without sex?  WOW  Sometimes lucas is lucky if he gets it two days a week!  I hope you get yourself checked out.  If i have learned one thing its that we have to take care of ourselves as well!  Have a good day or atleast try.

  4. He sounds like he has the maturity of a 3 year old. I’m sorry he’s being such a dick and I’m sorry about the cyst. A couple friends of mine have had problems with those, and it sucks.
    I can’t believe he’s being such a jerk. There are so many types of abuse (physical, sexual, verbal, etc.) and although he might not be abusing you per se, he’s using guilt as his weapon to hurt you. He’s trying to make you feel guilty about housework, about sex, about your medical problems- about anything he can to make himself feel “bigger.” That’s horrible, and the stress must be overwhelming. But know that his problem is just that, HIS problem. It’s not a problem with you or your actions, it’s him looking for weapons.
    *Miranda*

  5. Get checked out, make sure everything is OK.
    Some of us guys aren’t really good at the whole compassion thing, I admit. At least you know you can talk to us…

  6. hey, it’s a good thing you’re getting checked out tomorrow. sorry about the home-woes. I’m sure it’ll blow over in a few days. let us know how it goes..

  7. aw, sweetie, i’m sure you’ll be fine….it’s good your going to the dr. though!! sorry things are the way they are at home. judging from past posts though, you two will work it out. i admire your relationship with your hubby.
    keep us updated…..you’re in my thoughts

  8. Let me know how it goes, I didn’t read this until just now, Joey was off yesterday, we were out most of the day, I didn’t use the computer much yesterday…let me know. Love ya

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