Baby Girl’s “Surgery” – sorta

{9:34 am}

I just want this to be over … now. Yesterday would have been good too.

It was kind of my friends to call last night and let me know I could call them with questions or just silly talk to distract myself. They’ve been through this with their own kids. They tell me my anxiety is normal and I need not be apologetic for it. That came in handy at midnight when I just needed to talk as fast as possible about everything that was running through my mind. Sometimes someone lending an ear is all you need.

I would like to be that calm, reassuring mother mask that I’m putting on for my daughter right down to my core, but I’m not. Honestly … this freaks me out. I admit it. All kinds of things are running through my head. Worse case scenarios. Then telling myself I’m being hella STUPID for having those thoughts and that everything is going to be fine. It will be. I know this, but I worry. Guess that just makes me a Mom.

note: Husband and the bacon incident (insert eye roll) I really don’t  have the patience for this today.

((sigh))

Well, gotta go get ready to go. Must be at the hospital at 10:30. Surgery is at 12:30p.m.

Send love & prayers her way.

:::edit:::

It’s over. Tubes are in her ears and hopefully no more ear infections. We’re home. She’s doing good, but is pretty uncomfortable and cranky. She was so awesome at the hospital. I was very proud of her. She was just as sweet as can be. All the nurses and doctors were impressed and said she was an exceptional little girl. But, of course I already knew that.

Let me just mention that the staff at Akron Childrens Hospital are awesome! Very patient, very kid friendly. They gave me and Daddy those surgeon caps and had us wear them so she could see what the doctors and nurses would look like in surgery. They had someone come out and show her what the oxygen mask she would wear to get the nitrous oxide would look like. Then they let her smell different lip glosses to pick what flavor gas she wanted. They put a balloon on the other end of the mask and tubing and had her blow up the balloon and inhale so she wouldn’t be scared, They gave her a teddy bear to bring home. They were great and seeing her comfortable made me feel a lot better.

Spring Breaks

I love Madonna’s new album. Very upbeat, even if the subject matter isn’t. It’s the only thing keeping me going and getting my laundry and housework done honestly.

It’s Spring Break week so I’ve had all 5 kids here. The littlest two are not feeling well, so they’ve been a real picnic. Thankfully, the weather has been wonderful and the boys have been playing outside. I like listening to them pretend play. So funny.It’s not exactly bikini weather here in Ohio yet, but then it’s not like I’m gonna EVER put one back on again anyways.

There was a time when Spring Break meant doing lots of things with my friends, partying, playing spades until way late while listening to Bob Marley. Now, it just means the kids are home and I’m busy finding stuff for THEM to do. It’s funny, how things change. But I’m ok with it. I like the way things have turned out.

I think we’ll cook out tonight and maybe I’ll make margaritas and make out with my husband just to feel like I’m on Spring Break.

I’m so glad Spring has sprung!

 

You Are a Peacemaker Soul
You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can.
War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace.
You are a good mediator and a true negotiator.
Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy.

While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental.
You lose respect for people who don’t like to both give and take.
On the flip side, you’ve got a graet sense of humor and wit.
You’re always dimplomatic and able to give good advice.

Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul, Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

 

 

Little ears, big problems.

I took Diva back to the ENT doctor today so that he could see her ears with an actual infection. I had taken her last week with clean ears and all her tests were perfect but here we are with her 6th ear infection in the past 3 months. She’s had one twice a month, so I knew I’d have to take her back soon enough. He took one look at her ears and said,

“Wow. That’s really awful and concerning. I’d like to redo her hearing and flow tests from last week and see where she’s at.”

They put her back in the little booth with the headphones and had her repeat words back to them as they decreased the tones. The results were bad this time, as expected, but so bad that he scheduled surgery to put tubes in her ears this Friday. He said that as many ear infections as she’s had and as much pressure as there is on her ear drum that if we didn’t do the surgery, she would have hearing loss. Weighing the options…I scheduled the surgery.

The actual surgery is only about 5-30 mins long. BUT, the whole ordeal is going to take all day. We have to be at Childrens Hospital at 10:30, surgery is at 12:30 and then she’ll be in recovery for 1-2 hours. Plus, they have to put her under and that freaks me out a little, but obviously not as much as her losing her hearing freaks me out. I’ll be thankful for her not to be in pain anymore.

I’m off to make arrangements for the boys and juggle D’s psych and urology appointments that were scheduled for Friday.

Again … Thank GAWD for medical insurance.

The Pickle’s Birthday party + Drama – “friend” = ((sigh))

So we had the Pickle’s birthday party on Saturday. It was great to have friends and family around, for the most part. Everybody poked fun at everyone else and got to catch up. My father-in-law had us all cracking up, which is pretty rare form for him, which I guess made it even funnier. The kids had fun which is what’s most important and Pickle got to have his friends and family celebrate with him.


Then Matilda showed up (an hour and a half late) and cleared the house out … fast. She let everyone know what a drag it was (because we don’t all feel the need to party and be obnoxious in front of young children) by announcing that we needed “drugs”. Cursing in front of the kids and my parents, my in-laws. Boldly blaring (and actually pointing) out that a boy at the party had a “disorder”. (Yes, he does and it’s serious…but thankfully I’ve raised my son to accept people for them and not for what he wants them to be.) She flicked off my Dad, (thinking he was her ex-husband?). Telling everyone that all her real friends were in jail. And then after everyone left I ended up doubled her son had spilt on the kitchen floor and when I got up, I felt a tear in my side. (Endometriosis. This happens when you have scar tissue accumulating in your nether regions and everything is inflamed before your period.) Thankfully, husband and Matilda’s ex-husband, Butch,  heard me whelp and helped me to the couch, crying, while she sat out on the porch for 30mins talking on the phone about some guy in jail. She comes in, pretty much shows me no regard and then asks if we were gonna play cards. I told her I was sorry to be a bad hostess but that I was probably just gonna go to bed and that I was very uncomfortable. Obviously, there were a lot of things I wanted to say but didn’t, just figured I’d call her the next day. (Not because I’m not “grown-up” enough but because it was my son’s birthday and he’s really been through enough and I knew she’d just make a big scene.)  So, her and Butch left with their kids in separate cars. I took a pain pill and went and laid down for about an hour and when I came downstairs, Butch and the kids were here.


Now mind you, my husband and Butch have been friends since like elementary school, so I didn’t really think much about him coming back to hang out after Matilda had left. Husband asks me how I’m feeling and we start talking about getting something to eat. Pickle really wanted to go get a new game for his PSP with his birthday money so, they took the boys and me and the girls stayed here. I set one up on the computer and then I laid on the couch with Diva and watched Spongebob (and fielded about 10 phone calls from people asking about what else happened with Matilda after they left). When the guys got back we ate pizza and wings. I had to listen to husband talk about how inappropriate Matilda was all night and how disrespectful he thought it was for her to act that way in our house to our family. And the more I tried to brush it off, the more mad he got. I guess at some point, there is no defending certain things and as much as I didn’t want to admit it…. he was right. My sister called and asked what we were doing and asked if we wanted to play Trivial Pursuit. Her and the boyfriend, we played a round of Euchre and then we played Trivial Pursuit the rest of the night. Diva kept waking up crying the whole time and we had to keep stopping the game so I could settle her back down (and deal with a Pickle incident – whole other story).


I got up and made all the kids waffles Sunday morning. Husband got called into work. Me and the kids took a nap. When husband got back my Dad came over and watched the boys while me & husband took Diva to the emergency room. Of COURSE – she had another ear infection (and I just had her at an ENT doctor Tuesday to discuss putting tubes in her ears last Tuesday and her ears were fine, ERRRrrr, but that is also another story.) After 4 hours of being there, we came home and got the boys and went to dinner. When I got home from dinner, I grabbed my cell out of my purse to charge it and it says 2 missed calls, 1 voice mail. So I dial into voicemail and get this blaring voicemail from Matilda, word for wrod:


Matilda and I don’t know why all your phones are off and why your letting your fax machine answer cause you just don’t want to talk to me, I think it’s really fucked up that you told me that  you were kicking everyone out cause you’re tired and you hurt yourself and blah blah blah and then everyone came back and fuckin played cards and you’re hanging out with Butch and shit, which is totally fine, but not even to tell me or anything, that’s just fucked up. I don’t EVER wanna hear you EVER tell me about my friends are bad people and shit cause you’re hanging out with Butch and I think that speaks for itself. But you can have Butch, HAVE HIM !”


 Yeh, so she’s mad AT ME.


You know what?


I couldn’t even find words. I just sat there with my mouth open for about 10minutes. I let my husband listen to it. He thought it was hilarious and told me not to worry about it cause she wouldn’t. And he’s right. I thought about calling her, but knew she wouldn’t listen. I wouldn’t be able to get a word in edge wise. And aside from that… I shouldn’t have to explain anything to a “friend”. She should’ve known better. She automatically assumed the worst and jumped my shit and ya know what?I think that speaks for itself.


((sigh))


Hey, hint taken. It is what it is, ya know? I’ve got enough going on without having to worry about some added made-up drama.


I’ll spend my time where it’s needed and stay where I’m wanted.


“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage — to move in the opposite direction.”

This is me biting my tongue

“Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.”  Ecclesiastes 7:9

 

“Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”

 

“You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him.”

 

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.”

 

“Character is higher than intellect.”

 

“Never argue with an idiot. they drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.”

 

“Proper words in proper places, make the true definition of style.”

Flowers make everything better…well not everything 3/24/06

Husband arrived home last night with a dozen roses and a brownie. This seems to be the price he had to pay. Either that or the chocolate just clouded my judgement. Seriously, he was good to me last night. He called my doctor and asked him to call me in something for pain, went to the pharmacy and got it, tucked me in and held me while I cried and waited for the pain medicine to kick in. He has his moments.

Now the pain pills that seemed like such a good idea last night and this morning have caught up with me. I’m beat. I’m drugged and here’s the best part: Pickle’s therapist will be here in an hour. HA! I’m sorry I can only laugh at how awful this can look. It’s like a stereotypical therapist family with the drugged up mother.

Tomorrow is Pickle’s 10th birthday.

I can’t believe he’s gonna be 10. When my husband and I first met he was this little two year old in diapers. Looking over at him, all indulged in his PSP game right now, he just looks so grown up. We’ve been through so much together. Oh, and this is my first birthday as his OFFICIAL mother, so it’s kind of special to me. I’m gonna try to be the kinda Mom he’s always needed and deserved in the next decade of his life. Hopefully, we weathered the worst and that will make us closer and stronger for what’s to come.

The doctor says… 3/23/06

Yes, there is a cyst in my ovary … again. I was OFFICIALLY given the endometriosis diagnosis … again.

Doctor decided to give me a very low dose of birth control pills to see if it will help tone things down. Let’s pray for them not to cause migraines like before. I go back to see him in 3 months and if I’m still havign problems, we schedule surgery.

The lump in my breast … not cancer. He took one feel of it and said “It’s scar tissue from your surgery” (I had a reduction about 18months back) He was pissed that the surgeon had even made worry about it. He assumes that he is just trying to protect his work. Isn’t that lovely? Here he got me all worried about nothing, and most likely just so he go have a reason to do more surgery. NICE! But, whatever. I’m just HELLA RELIEVED.

Things with me & husband are still weird. I called him right after my appointment and he didn’t even ask how it went. He said he’s been busy at work and all the appointments might run together?

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up

My mood sucks. I waver back and forth between feeling sorry for myself and being really pissed off.

I’m pretty certain that I have another damn cyst in my ovary. It gets old. I’m frustrated. And while I realize it could be worse, that doesn’t really do anything for me. In fact that thought kinda pisses me off too in all honesty. I mean, really? Is the only way to make me feel better about things to tell myself it could be worse??? What the hell kind of condolence is that shit?

I’m really fed up with is my husband being fed up with me. As if this is something I can control. As if I’m not killing myself trying to make sure he doesn’t have to put in any extra god damn effort on my behalf. I don’t ask him for shit, except maybe to let me go to bed early. I’ve kept up with the house, the kids, the laundry, making dinner and you know what? What the fuck is up with him not appreciating any god damn thing I do until it’s not done?

Now, on top of already feeling inadequate for not being able to do more than I’m doing, I’m catching shit because we haven’t had sex in 2 days? 2DAYS!!! And instead of him realizing that it’s a fuckin circumstance and not some huge character or relationship flaw, I’m getting, “Do you love me? I’m so lonely.” crap. I’m not saying his feelings are crap, they are his feelings. I just think it’s bullshit that this stuff only comes up when the world stops revolving around him. Like clockwork. I can expect it. Hell, just look back through my blog. After Pickle was in the hospital for a week, I caught shit off him because he was “lonely”. For the love of Christ,  we just spent the WHOLE weekend together. We spent an entire night out alone and do you know what the fuck we talked about the whole time.? Him and his goddamn job and what was going on with him. THE WHOLE TIME.  Normally it wouldn’t bother me, I’m his wife, his partner. He should be unable to unload on me, but when I get slapped in the face with such selfishness in return, it’s just, stupid. Where the fuck is my partner, by the way?

I don’t need this drama.

Jesus, I AM SO SICK OF THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It just makes all of this harder. It’s him doing shit like this that makes me want to pull away. Cause I just feel like there’s no making him happy. You know, god forbid I should end up finding out I have breast cancer or some shit like that. We’d never make it. I’d never make it. Cause if it’s not about him, forget it.

As much as I’ve sacraficed for this man, you’d think the least I could get is some compassion.

:::edit:::

Well guys, you can all thank my friend Crazie for MAKING me call my OB/GYN for the appointment to have my ovaries AND that lump in my breast checked out. You’ll be happy to know, I’ll be in stirrups in a tacky, uncomfortable paper gown tomorrow morning at 9:15.

Grow Up

I have a small rant for today regarding a St. Patty’s Day event.


I have been wanting to see this band for quite awhile and was excited to find they would be having a performance within a comfortable distance for me and the Hubby this past Friday.


What a huge disappointment.


The singer was so wasted that he couldn’t perform. It was reminiscent of Jim Morrison. Eyes closed, wobbling, jitterish moves, then just collapsing on his knees, and then to just lying on his back. He belittled and cursed out the audience and to add insult to injury, he totally botched a cover of another band I so enjoy. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse and was preparing to leave, the club owner approached and told him to play or get off the stage, he threw the microphone, left the club, and his band who was completely pissed off, proceeded to destroy their entire set. They ripped down their banner, smashed guitars, kicked in the bass drum while the patrons sat with mouths agape..


 I guess this could be considered very “punk rock” in expression….but I was not amused.


It’s not just this band, or the fact that it was a waste of MY time …. I am just  really fed up with people in their late twenties, early thirties acting like teenagers. Who the hell wants to be a teenager again and what makes you think that people who are the same age as you want to hang out with someone acting like an adolescent?


GROW UP!


This is why the generation behind us is so lost, why our children are going to have hell to pay. Cause people my age can’t step up to the plate….and set an example. Just look at some of the biggest sellers in entertainment? I mean really….aren’t we just exploiting ignorance and selling it to our kids? Is that the market?  What hope does it give to people younger than us if they see us stalling out and doing nothing. What’s the point? Sure maybe being a teenager was fun once, but there is something to be said for “growing up”, creating your OWN experiences and life, setting goals for yourself and setting forth to reach them. There is nothing impressive about somebody without vision….at all. Instead of acting like someone half your age, why not educate yourself in politics or world affairs or anything with substance and create a message that might open up eyes and teach something?


Just a thought.


Quote of the Day:Freedom of speech is often confused with freedom of thought, which is seldom used.”

Just hold on

Today started out as one of those days where all you can do is hold on and breathe through it.

The kids were really, REALLY active, ornry and messy. (Looks arounds at kids running past desk) IN fact, they still are being that way.

Pickle’s new intensive care counselor came by today. I always hate these appointments because I have to talk about these horrible things over and over again. It gets your brain stuck in a rut. Hate it. I can never understand why these people take notes. I mean, obviously nobody is reading them, cause I’ve told them all the same stuff over and over and over again. I think they just do it to psychanalyze your reaction to the questions or something. These people should have those thin mustaches that they sit and twirl while they conduct this mental torture. Then she asked me this question that …hmm… i dunno. It wasn’t the question it was my answer that kinda threw me. Have you ever said something without really thinking about it and then when you heard yourself say it you thought ‘Wow. That really is how I feel.’ ?

She asked me how the stuff with Pickle affects me and his Dad’s relationship and I said,

“Well, I guess it strains our relationship because it takes my focus off him and he doesn’t deal well with that. Sometimes when these things come up it makes me realize that instead of Dad appreciating the things I do that he just EXPECTS them and that kinda hurts and if you add hurt on top of just trying to cope, it makes things harder. I try to shut that off and push through.”

That was the perfect description of what happens between he and I when these problems with Pickle arise and I just could never find the words for it. Then when I wasn’t trying, it was there. ( ding! ) A N Y W A Y S …..

Good stuff on the agenda for tomorrow. Pickle is off to MIL’s for the weekend. Jedi & Diva are spending the night with my folks. I  booked a romance package at a hotel for us tomorrow night. Champagne, chocolates, breakfast in the morning and a late check-out. Hoping we can find our way back to each other. I’m very much looking forward to that and a good night’s sleep.