Settled

The dust from the blows last week seems to be more settled, or I am just more numb. At least I don’t feel like I’m going to pull all my hair out at given moment, so that’s good.

Pickle is doing better outwardly. I still wonder about what things go on inside his head. I don’t think we’ll ever really know. A child’s mind in a powerful thing.

Things with Crazie have calmed, which I am very thankful for. It’s good to have friends even when you have disagreements. I don’t know where I’d be without them.

Probably missing chunks of hair.

I’ve been enjoying my time at home. Kinda basking in the glow of the good stuff here. Being settled suits me.

Dark – Feb 22, 2006

I’m lost in something right now that I can’t quite explain, bt I had this complete feeling of hopelessness this afternoon. I felt like the world was coming down around me and the only way out was, well the only way out.

I actually thought to myself that I was going to cut my wrists. I envisioned myself doing it. What I would use, what it would feel like. All the blood around me.

I felt completely alone.

I crumbled to the floor, pulled at my hair and broke into a sob.

I realize people have faced worse. That is what gets me out of it, sometimes I just really want to surrender. I don’t want to be responsible for anything or what will happen when I’m gone.

I want all of this to be someone else’s burden.

wow

That’s pretty much going down as my word of the week and it’s only Wednesday morning.

You ever have one of those weeks where everything you encounter leaves you feeling a little off? Not wow like WOW! but wow I can’t believe that just happened or that someone just said something. I’m having one of those weeks.

Aside from being sick and feeling like shit, it started Sunday with a recurring event that has been going on with Pickle for the past week or so, and it always comes and goes through the years. Fecal play. They tell me, that this is fairly common for children who have been sexually abused, but that condolence never quite takes the edge off of it. Or the smell. It’s really hard to deal with and of course any explanation always leave me bewildered. Husband and I sat up with him til close to 1am this morning, trying to get to the bottom of the situation. Another walking on glass situation because you don’t want to make him feel like he’s being interrogated, but you also are in the position of kinda forcing him to talk about “it” without leading him to say things. Then I always start beating myself up because while it’s hard for me to deal with from my end and I know that it’s not as bad as what he’s been through by any means. I feel guilty for feeling anything at all. It’s just hard. It strains the relationship. I don’t know what to do about that.

Then there are other relationships that are apparently strained without my knowing. I don’t know what to do or what to say and frankly I’m just getting tired of the drama and worrying about it at all. I know that I’m a good friend and person and I’ve NEVER done anything for that to be in question. You know what it is? Other people’s insecurities. I find that other people react more to what they do than what is actually being done to them. Meaning, they assume you are this way, because they are that way. Or something like that. It just throws me for a loop.

Then there is the newest thing that has left me wowed. I’m up at 6:30 this morning getting things ready for Crazie to bring her kids back over and she never shows. Having talked to her yesterday and told her that I was feeling much better and that I would see her tomorrow, I get worried wondering what has happened to her and the kids. I’m calling and calling and calling when finally, I get an e-mail of all things.

Listen up people! E-mailing is not the proper way to handle a problem. In fact, it’s borderline offensive to handle your problems that way if you are in the habit of ALWAYS calling someone. AND, if you aren’t mad about anything, you shouldn’t suddenly accuse someone of something that has nothing to do with it. This would lead the receiver of the e-mail to believe you are full of shit and that there OBVIOUSLY is a problem. From what I could gather and it was pretty hard to dig through the bullshit, I’m being punished for being sick Monday and she’s playing some game to prove a point. I’ve checked out. Don’t have time. Wake me when it’s over.

And you know what else? I just wish people could make up their minds whether they are confident or passive-aggressive? I mean can you really be both?

I’m off to find something to eat that will comfort me, which is a whole other subject for a different day.

 

Quote of the day: Never explain. You’re friends don’t need it and you’re enemies will never believe you anyway.

Busy

Last week’s business dinner went very well. The husband and I schmoozed and rubbed elbows with the higher ups. It wasn’t as uncomfortable as I was worried about it being. That seems to be a pattern I should pay more attention to. Anyways, the little dinner at his office was followed by a trip over to a fancy smancy restaurant. We ran into into another couple who joined us for dinner and then they picked up the check. A BIG check. By far, the best dinner I’ve had in a long time and not just because it was free. Lobster Linguine with a glass of Cabernet…..Mmmmm.

Then we got our income tax refund and husband decided he really deserved a 42″ Flat Panel HDTV plasma. It still boggles the mind that one would willingly pay so much for a television BUT he is a boy and he likes toys, he works hard, he’s aiiiight so I guess he deserves a little spoiling and so I regress.It is nice, just not as nice as saying paying off already existing debt. I thought women were the irrational sex? Whatever.

Saturday, we went to see his Dad’s band play at the little dive bar again. We celebrated his brothers and mom’s birthdays with cake. Cake and bars could only be something that his family could come up with. His brothers were pretty wasted and obnoxious so we bolted and went to Akron. I was finally able to find the tattoo/piercing studio of this guy I met a few weeks back. Such a sweetie. He did my eyebrow piercing which is something I’ve wanted to have done for a few years but never found the right person. I wasn’t comfortable with the guy who did my tattoo a few years back, so I swore that while I wanted to have more ink done, I wouldn’t let anybody poke me that I didn’t fully LIKE. (Get your mind out of the gutter). Husband was there holding my hand the whole time. Can you believe that he talked me out of  my orginal idea of nipple piercing? Only because we found out your not supposed to have contact with the nipples after you get them done for 4-6 weeks though. I guess that was the deal breaker. After that we went to Crazie’s friend’s club and heard a metal band. Wasn’t really my cup of tea, so we tried another place, but there was a $12 cover. We laughed and left. We hit Luigi’s, a University of Akron late night staple. Hadn’t been there in like 7 years. It was better than I remembered or I was drunk. Whatever.

Sunday, I went to a baby shower. The shower was for my my best friend’s son’s baby momma. Did you catch that? The girlfriend is only 17 and her and bestie’s son have already broken up. I can’t even imagine how scary that would be. Becoming a new mother at any age is a big transition. But she genuinely seems to want the baby. I applaud Bestie for handling things so gracefully. As if her son making her a “grandma” at such a young age wasn’t enough, she’s pretty much taken baby momma in as her own without hesitation. It was a fun party. Especially when we played the “Guess the Mess” game. It was sick. If you’ve never played, it basically is a game in which candy bars are melted into diapers and you have to guess what kind of candy it is by smelling it, touching it or tasting it. I’ll give you a minute to appreciate the full affect……….ok. Got a great picture of Matilda with her nose buried in something very nasty looking. Oh, and MAtilda was still obviously drunk from the night before. I hated that I had to leave early. BUT I had to leave early and watch 6 kiddos while my husband and his friends moved my old living room furniture out and moved the “new to me” set that my parents gave me in. Then I spent hours trying to put my house back together, while he wired up his new TV to all the components and speakers. Around 11pm I felt like I was hit by a ton of bricks. My throat had been kids of scratchy all day, but I just started feeling achy all over and totally drained.

Now, I’m sick and feel like I’m going to die, although I am very confident in the fact that I won’t. Still sucks to feel so shitty though. Plus, I had to tell my friend Crazie that I couldn’t watch the kids today. Throwing up, fevers, & body weakness is things I just don’t want to mix with kiddies. She was cool about it, but this is one of the things I worry about in mixing relationships with business. (sigh) But, what can I do?

Happy Valentine’s Day

I woke up this morning to my daughter getting in bed with my husband and I. A few seconds later my youngest son strolls in and Baby Girl sits up and says,

“It’s JJ! It’s JJ! Good morning, JJ. I love you.” which she promptly sealed with a kiss.

And Jedi replied…..

“I love you too. You’re the most beautiful sister I ever dreamed of.”

Say it with me: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwwwwwww…….

What a fabulous way to wake up in the morning.

And then my husband, God bless him, gave me a robe and the sweetest card.

It reads:

All I want is to love you for the rest of my life…to wake up every morning with you by my side, knowing that whatever happens, I’ll be able to come home to your loving arms.

All I want is to share everything with you… to talk to you about our ideas, our dreams, the little everyday things that make us laugh, and the not-so-little things that we can’t help worrying about.

All I want is to give you my love…as a place you can always come to for acceptance or the simple comfort that silence brings when things left unspoken can still be understood.

All I want is to grow old with you…to watch our life unfold, our dreams, one by one, come true.

All I want is to love you….forever.

Happy Valentines Day, Steph. I love you very very very much and I always will.

Appearances

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about appearances. I’ve been thinking about the way we perceive people . Or maybe it’s more about how desperately we feel like we need to control the way people perceive us. We don’t want anybody to get the wrong idea. They can’t have the wrong concept.


Why do we need a concept, anyhow? Can’t we just exsist, let life take it’s course and relish in experiences?


I guess that’s what annoys me most.


That I see how others get so wrapped up in trying to keep a concept going that they miss the things that really matter. The moments of their lives. Like being so worried about their kids having brand name “stuff”, instead of worrying how much time they are spending with them and what’s going on with them. Is their image a direct reflection of themselves? And if that’s the case then what about their behavior? What does that say? Why isn’t that what’s most important? And why is it ALWAYS someone elses fault.


Is it because we as a society are more worried about what others will think than how WE feel about ourselves? And who’s to say society’s perception isn’t fucked up, anyhow?


((sigh))


I don’t know where I’m going with this. They were just thoughts trapped in my head that needed some space for release.

New Endeavors

I’ve been really busy lately, prepping for my latest endeavor….BABYSITTING.

Yep, I decided to take on watching my friend Crazie’s two kids,while she does the 9-5 thing. She’s been having a helluva time finding child care she feels comfortable with. Today is my actual FIRST day being EMPLOYED for like 6 years. Weird. But so far so good. Her son is in Kindergarten so, he does 1/2 days right now. Got him off on the bus and all. Then I got my two little ones and her little girl down for a nap. Not bad. Extra income for me, peace of mind for my friend. My kids have kids to play with and it’s working out nicely. I’m not nearly as stressed as I was worried I might be.  AND I as much as I was running around this morning….I have a sneaking suspicion that this might help me with my weight loss resolution as well.

Everything else is good. Got some time away this weekend. Steelers won the Super Bowl. Husband and I seem very connected. Pickle has been well. Jedi has been well. Diva is doing the terrible two thing, but I guess you can’t have it all, right? I’ve survived the prior two going through it so I have a pretty high tolerance.

Back to getting things done, before nap time comes to an end.

Dancin with Myself…. oh oh ohoh

I had some wicked fun last night.

My friend Crazie has been trying to get me out to her friend’s nightclub downtown for awhile. Turns out this “nightclub” just happens to be rock/punk/metal venue for live bands. That’s all they have. When they are open, there is band. LOVE THAT! So, last night was a punk show, which isn’t really my favorite cup of tea but I dug 3 of the 4 bands that did a set. But knowing the club owner meant free drinks/shots. My belly did a flop just writing/remembering all of them.

Her friend is a very cool chick who likes to close down her club and turn on techno or 80s hits and dance on the big open dance floor with all the lights and lasers still going. I joined right in with her. I danced for almost an hour. I even did my best “Love is a Battlefield” dance. You know, the one from the video??? And I got to be “Dancin’ with Myself” (oh oh ohoh). Anyways, I broke a good sweat and got my hair all tangled up from swinging it around everywhere. Very good times and I needed that.

Back to Mom stuff today. Grocery shopping, here I come….

Sexual offenders

If you go to the website I’ve listed below and enter in an address, it will show you a map of sexually based offenders home/work locations in your area, right down to the street address and if you click on the blocks where those offenders are marked on the map, they will show what they were charged with and a picture of the offender.

I am a firm believer that sexual abuse and incest is a silent epidemic in our country. The only way to stop the cycle is to open up dialogue about it and educate ourselves. Even if you don’t have children, I am willing to bet someone in your neighborhood/apartment building does.

Most children who are kidnapped by sexual offenders, had parents and neighbors who never knew the offender was on their street or block.

It is best to be informed.

Take a minute and visit the site.

 

http://www.familywatchdog.us/

 

Happy 5th Birthday, Peanut.

I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don’t shed a tear

Through the darkness and good times
I knew I’d make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you

Hush, love

I see a light in the sky
Oh, it’s almost blinding me
I can’t believe
I’ve been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun

A new day has… come

Where it was dark now there’s light
Where there was pain now there’s joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy

Hush, love

I see a light in the sky
Oh, it’s almost blinding me
I can’t believe
I’ve been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun

A new day has… come

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun

A new day has… come