All choked up

I know a lot of women will be able to relate, when I say that I cry about everything. Even more so right before my period starts. And I don’t mean that I’m like depressed or that when my feelings get hurt I cry, in fact vulnerability tends to make me lash out, but if I’m watching something on TV that is emotional, I cry. If somebody does or says something sentimental, I cry. Not BOOHOOHOO sobbing….just tears…just crying.

Well, last night we were watching The Biggest Loser and these people are very candid and forthcoming with their emotions. I’ve gotten a tear or two in my eye listening to them talk about their spouses and their children or watching them reunite with their families. But something really unexpected came up last night.

Seth’s son had a seizure when he got back home. See, usually when this subject comes up, I know when it’s coming and I can be on guard. This came out of left field. Here is this grown man on national TV getting all choked up about his son having a seizure, going into great detail about how helpless he felt and how it makes you realize how fragile life is and how quickly things can change. Everything he said hit me so hard that I really started crying. I did that whole thing where you suck in breath sharply….you know…the ugly cry. I dunno, when he started talking about how he felt watching his son have a seizure and how completely devastating it was, I remembered the day it happened to Pickle last April all over again. And it struck me that I never really talked to anybody about it.

This might be long…..

What happened was that Pickle had spent the night over at my in law’s house. It was Saturday morning and I was out getting milk when my husband called the cell and told me that his Mom called and said that Pickle was acting sick. He had been acting weird overnight and seemed really out of it and could barely keep his eyes open. We know now that this was because he was having partial seizures. It looks like a blank stare. When it’s happening to you, you  don’t hear anything around you and afterwards you are wiped out. Looking on, you don’t really see anything, unless you happen to be talking to him at the time and he just stops talking and stares. My mother in law said she would meet me at the doctor’s office since they were getting ready to close for the rest of the weekend.

I remember when I opened the door to her car and saw him in the backseat, I knew something was really wrong. I reached in and picked him up and carried him into the office. He slept through all of this. He slept through me putting him on a the doctor’s table, the nurse taking his blood pressure and temp. This was not my child. When the doctor came in, we talked in a whisper as not to wake him while she assessed the situation. She had just said the words, “I’m baffled” when he sat up and looked at me and said “Mom” So I started to take a step toward him when I noticed he seemed to be falling sideways. I ran and caught his head and sat him  up and I said “What’s going on, can you tell me what’s going on?”. He didn’t answer and so the doctor said, “Honey, can you answer your Mommy?” and still no answer. At this point I was in some strange place between panicking and trying to seem not panicked to keep  him calm. You know I’m shooting the doctor a look like  “FIX IT!” and looking at him like, “It’s ok….” Then, he started convulsing violently.

I just felt like the universe had suddenly gone in slow motion. This would be the longest minute of my life. What I can say is THANK GOD we were in the doctor’s office and she was there with me, really THANK GOD. She snapped me out of  shock by  screaming at me to let go of his head and to put him on his side. I’m standing there trying not to hold him down but making sure he’s not going to roll off this table. So much running through my head….is he going to make it, he’s already been through so much, this is stupid egg donors fault somehow, why didn’t his Dad bring him, when will this stop, is this it, God, why are you letting this happen, stop, stop, please stop. All I can remember is saying his name over and over, until my voice cracked, and I started crying.  I was devastated and scared out of my mind. The doctor threw open the exam room door and tells the nurse to call for squad. Then she runs over and helps me with him.

He stopped convulsing and throws up. And then he looks at me with this very scared look in his eye and says, “Mommy” and he just went limp in my arms. The doctor tells me to lay him down and she pulls his eyelids up, his eyes are rolled back in his head. I remember thinking to myself that I needed to stay calm and not upset him but I wanted to sob and I wanted to scream “DO SOMETHING”.

The ambulance squad came in the room and picked him up and started securing him to a gurney. I ran down the hall and opened the door to the waiting room where MIL was waiting. I tried my best to stay calm but, I’m sure I just looked panicked. I was trying to tell her what happened when my husband picked up at the house. Somewhere in the middle of all this I had dialed home on the cell. I was able not to cry or let my voice crack when I told my husband what happened, but when I said they were taking him to the hospital by ambulance, he kinda screamed…”What?!?” and then I cried and gave the phone to his Mom. I remember the EMT helping me into the ambulance. I sat down on the metal bench and looked down at him sleeping.  I took his hand and stroked his hair. I felt completely helpless.  I had no idea what was going to happen. I wanted to do something, anything, but this was all I could do and it sucked.

He barely opened his eyes and whispered…”Mom?” I explained to him that everything was OK and he was getting to take a ride in an ambulance. I asked him if he thought that was cool. The EMT said he needed to try and ask him a couple questions, but he mouthed the words “Good Job” to me for not crying in front of him and making the best of it. He fell back asleep in the middle of the questions. The EMT asked if I wanted to use his cell to call anybody. So I called my Dad, he was already at my house with the other two kids. He prayed with me over the phone.

When we pulled up at the hospital and they opened the door, my husband was right there. He helped me out and hugged me. He asked me what happened but all I did in response was shake my head no and say he had a seizure. I recounted the story to the doctor in a very matter of fact way but that was all I ever said. It’s hard to put into words, how scared I was and all the millions of thoughts that flashed through my head in that 1 minute that the seizure lasted. It felt like a lifetime. 

But that which didn’t kill us, has definitely made us stronger. Me, Pickle, our family bond. I’m SO glad that he’s doing better and that he hasn’t had another grand maul seizure like that. We still have the partial seizures which are bad enough because sometimes he regresses afterwards. He’ll forget things he’s already learned, but they seem to be under control right now and he’s being a regular kid and for that I am sooo grateful beyond words. And as for me, well maybe it’s like Seth said in his video diary, if you can go to the depths of hell and fear for your child’s life, if you can survive that, and come out fighting, you can do anything. Something to think about.

Back to life: we put up our Christmas tree last night and it looks really nice. We have been doing a blue and white and silver tree for the last couple years, but this year we did white lights, red ribbon, and got some new wood carved ornaments. It’s looks very pretty but also….humble? The kids love it and are very proud of themselves. Jedi said the sweetest thing while we were decorating. Husband gave him this little carved wood angel  to hang on the tree and he goes “Aww…it’s Mommy” He agrees that the hair is the same color and tells him it’s an angel to which he replied, “Yeh, Mommy’s an angel, right Daddy?” I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned that Jedi says. “Right?” after EVERYTHING he says. Anyways, it was sweet of him. Now if I can just convince them to stop moving the ornaments around every 5 minutes.

Diva was sick last night. Changing sheets and jammies at 2:30 in the morning was interesting, and somehow I wasn’t even disgusted because she was very sweet. I heard her crying and I went in her room and she sniffed and said, “Mommy, I foo up.” I told her it was ok and that I would fix it. When I washed her up and put on her new jammies she said “Thank-you” which I thought was adorable. She thought it was funny that she got to have her brother’s Batman sheets on her bed. Which does look very peculiar with her princess motif room.

Then Jedi woke me up at 4:30 declaring that he wanted to watch the Santa Claus movie again. I told him to start it not realizing what time it was, heard him putter off to his room, turn on the TV, get back in bed. I sat up and looked at clock, go to his room to turn off the TV and he was already back asleep.

I’m off to get a second cup of coffee cause I need the caffeine desperately this morning. As my baby girl would say, “I’m berry, berry tired.”

Reindeer Fact

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, but male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen . . . had to be female.

No offense guys but we should’ve known…..

Only a female could drag a fat ass man around the world in one night…without getting lost.

28 days til Christmas

Surely I have gained 10lbs and I really don’t care. Can i just say that Country Crock’s Limited Edition Honey Butter is a gift from God. Really, it’s that good. Thank God it’s limited cause I would start eating it on everything, everywhere, all the time. Start putting it in my coffee and whatnot.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving. It ended up just being my husband‘s siblings and their significant other at his Mom’s which was really nice cause we all got to bond. Usually there are Aunts and Uncles and cousins and blah blah blah…but it was a cozy gathering. After dinner and a couple glasses of wine we all squeezed in the family room and played Name that Tune – 80s edition. It was really funny. His sister and her boyfriend won, of course. She’s like 80s obsessed. We only lost by 1 stinkin point. Then we went off to my parents for another small gathering. Got to see my Dad’s sister and my Uncle and my cousins

That’s a whole other story. I dunno. I used to be really close to my Aunt when I was growing up and she kinda turned her nose up at me when I got pregnant with Jedi before I was married (gasp). God forbid I had murdered someone or something. (eyeroll) Whatever. My sister came back to my place after dinner and we had wine, talked about boys and giggled like sisters do.

Then I got up early Friday morning, made a cup of coffee and did my Christmas shopping…… my pajamas…….ONLINE.  I know, I know. It’s all fun to be in the hussle and bussle of the rush, but it’s done now. I saved money by thinking through my purchases and I did all my shopping through the Upromise website, so I will get money back for the kids college funds. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

I am thankful

Thank you God for my family and for all our of health. Thank  you for your guiding hand in my marriage. Thank you for letting my children wake up every morning -period. I thank God that they are healthy and have someplace to call a home, where they feel safe and secure. Thank you for the blessing of owning our own home and yes, thanks for the ability to pay all the bills that came with it. Thank you for good times with friends and for their health and happiness too.  I realize that I cannot see the big picture, I don’t know what lies ahead, but thank-you for this time, right here, right now and for the peace and contentment I have found in this moment.


 What are you thankful for?

Weekend Recap

This weekend was LoooooNg and interesting.

Usually my husband has Fri, Sat, Sun off, but he’s trying to use up his sick leave before he turns in his two week notice on Wednesday. That means we got an early start to the weekend. There was a lot of shopping and frivolous spending involved. But, we usually don’t so, it was nice. Especially since he had just gotten paid for a side job, which means we don’t really have to worry about our splurging. We got some early Christmas shopping in and got some stuff for the house that we’ve been wanting for awhile.

My doctor called Friday and told me that my ultrasound came back clean, which is GREAT NEWS! I kinda figured it had popped, cause about a day after I went to see her last time I woke up in the middle of the night in excruciating pain and when I woke up in the morning the dull, continuous pain that had been in my left side for weeks was gone. It’s a really good thing cause now my doctor can say that issue is resolved since we’re shopping for cheaper medical insurance. It’s been a little nerve racking for me. This year has been horrendous medically for me.

We also went to Matilda’s daughter’s birthday party Friday. Pickle and her have been buds since they were in diapers so we like to go to these things. Husband and I got to judge a catwalk after the four little girls who attended the party finished putting makeup on each other. Very funny stuff. Also a little scary that they want to grow up so quick. This was also the first time I had seen Matilda since February. It wasn’t awkward, to me anyways. Everything was cool. In fact Pickle ended up spending the night with her son and brought them all over to play Saturday. We went out and got a huge, very comfort food oriented take-out lunch and some wine, and while the kids played, Hubby, Matilda and I hung out and went through pictures and talked, mostly about celery, lol. Matilda seems more happy than I’ve seen her in awhile and that does my heart well. I enjoyed the company.

Yesterday was yard work day. I was not motivated, but my husband gave a very energizing “oral presentation” that got me up and going. Our city has a leaf program so that if you rake em to the curb they come and suck and mulch them up in their big truck thingy doo and our last pick up for the season is today. That was fun. not! I did get to meet a new neighbor though. A couple about our age. They are engaged and I guess just bought the house together. They both seem nice and not at all snobby. We were going to go see “Walk the Line” afterwards, but when we got up by the mall he said he would rather grab a bite to eat, so we could just relax and talk…ALONE. Afetr dinner we bought a humidfier that connects to our furnance, we heard it helps with energy savings but also our house is terribly dry. OH! and we bought a book shelf too, brought it home, he was tired but I managed to “bribe” him into putting it together for me.

Today with more storage in place, I’ve decided to tackle projects I’ve been putting off for awhile. My house is divided into piles again. But it’s an organized mess at least. I’m just trying to get some kind of order to the house before the holidays and the new toys and stuff invade my dwelling again. BUT as a bonus while I was digging through things I found some really cool looking pictures Pickle painted and I think I’m gonna go buy frames and hang them up. I realize this is probably not a very hip or sophisticated thing to do, but they are actually quite nice and abstractive. They appeal to me and plus, I know the artist personally.

~ Stephanie

He loves me

Yesterday was nice.

Husband called in sick, got up with the kids and got them all dressed and fed while I slept in. Then he brought me breakfast in bed, did the dishes, picked up the house, went shopping with me at the mall, made dinner and then made my favorite cookies for dessert.

In return, I took him to Old Navy and told him to get himself some new clothes. I think he rather enjoyed himself. The man has NEVER gone shopping for clothes like that before.  I may have created a monster.

While we were laying in bed last night, I thanked him for everything he had done and asked him what I did to deserve all of that. He kissed me on the head and said,

Everything. You always do everything and I love you so much, Steph and I just don’t ever want you to doubt it.


But now it’s back to the grind. Laundry, dishes and Mommy stuff.



~ Stephanie 


P.S.I have a Question of the Day: Have you ever had an orgasm while dreaming about sex?

“The winds of change are blowin'”

Husband said that to me at 3am last night, in a half asleep daze as 50mph wind gusts sounded as though they would rip something from or on top of the house. As I sat there on the bed with a cup of tea and sucking on a lemon drop, I couldn’t help but crack up laughing at his revelation. The wind was so loud, I only slept about 2 hours.

This is the thing I hate about the fall/winter turnover. We go from a near 60 degree day yesterday, to high wind advisory last night which leads to our first possile snow fall this evening. Now husband has horrible sinus pressure/congestion, I usually get a horrible sore throat or head cold anf then my kiddos have the runny noses and cough.

We had a nice evening last night though. My parents brought over pizza and a copy of ‘Madagascar’. We had a little picnic in the family room and watched the movie together.

I think I’ll go pop a movie in and head back to the couch with my hot cup of tea and snuggle up with the kiddos under my old, tattered quilt. I intend to stay in my jammies today. There will be a nap involved.

~ Stephanie

We’re gonna make it.

The past few days have been CRAZY. After talking to me, his brothers, his mother, my father and his Uncle….husband finally got the idea that he should take the job offer. And while making $12k more a year is going to make things a lot easier around here, there are some things we had to really plug away at before he could formally “accept” the position. We found out that we could get medical benefits A LOT cheaper by going outside of the group insurance the new company is offering. But once you throw a bone out for the insurance sales people, it gets scary. Our phone rang NONSTOP yesterday. Sales people from Florida, Texas, etc, etc. We ended up going with the most straight forward, quickest guy. But what a hassle.

Then we had to stop and think about when  he could actually start this new job, because while he’d like to start ASAP sincewe have a mortgage payment and bills that we have to make sure get paid on time. Sometimes being all grown-up can really blow in that respect. Sitting down, crunching numbers, figuring out pay periods and all that nonsense is a headache  I could do without BUT in the end it was all good. We decided since we were frying our brains out that we needed sexual healing……3x.
When all is said and done, things are going to work out VERY nice. He will have a much easier job, a lot less stress, he can set his own hours, he’ll be his own boss and it works out to be like $1000 more a month in pay. I don’t even know what that will be like. We always have enough to get by, but now we might actually have some cash leftover when we get to the next paycheck. Shocking, I know.

It’s really nice to have things work out like this. Knowing all that we’ve been through makes this so much sweeter. What made it even better for me, was that he actually thanked me for helping him, and us, make it to this point. Knowing that he sees what I do and that he gets it, well, I just can’t put into words what that means….but what more could I ask for?

It to last?

~ Stephanie

Things I’m thinking about….

  • My ultrasounds were done yesterday. Will be another 3-4 days for results.
  • Husband was made a formal job offer yesterday. We are currently weighing the pros and cons of a job change.  There are some MAJOR decisions we have to make.
  • We are very disconnected right now. He’s very stressed about his job and in some very private little world of his own.
  • The increase in the presence of alcohol he has had in hand sets off my stress level. While the past is the past, it happened, I remember a lot that he doesn’t and it’s a place I won’t go back to EVER again.
  • Pickle was overly dramatic and touchy this morning. I’m wondering if he’s worried about the same thing I am.
  • Why does Jedi keep chewing on everything?
  • Potty training.
  • Housework is mundane. You can only wash the same clothes/dishes soooooo many times. ugh.
  • Eyebrows need plucking.  ((sigh)) 
  • Something is wrong with my Dad. I’m not sure if he is just highly distracted because of the stress of being unemployed and trying to find a job or if it’s something else.
  • MIL is not well. She said the words…”If I were to die today “, which really did not sit well with me. 
  • Yesterday was the 13th anniversary of my Grandpa’s death. With the fore-mentioned things, paying my respect at his grave yesterday really put my own parents mortality in a new light.
  • I want to see ‘Jarhead’
  • Christmas is coming. Funds are tight.
  • Calories, fat grams and carbs – oh my.
  • My OB/GYN isn’t in the stupid medical insurance plan anymore and I need to see him because of the looming endometriosis diagnosis- again. This is the man who first brought it to the forefront and he delivered both my children. He knows my private parts. Plus, I seriously doubt I’m gonna find another Harley riding, sharp-witted, cute, warm-handed OB/GYN and I don’t want to.
  • What is that smell?

~ Stephanie


I’ve decided to kick things up a notch with my diet.

Right before I make a trip to the grocery store, I write down dinners that I would like to make for the next two weeks on the calendar. I happened to notice that Thanksgiving is only two weeks away. You guys remember Thanksgiving, right? It’s that holiday that the big marketing machine skips over between Halloween and Christmas ((eyeroll)) Anyways, being that I only have two weeks before the impending “holiday season” and all the food and weight gain that comes with it, I’m getting my ass in check, literally.

This morning I started back on a modified version of the first phase of the South Beach Diet which will only last two weeks. I also added exercise to the task list. I did a mile on the treadmill this morning and I bought a new Hip-Hop Cardio Dance DVD that I’m gonna check out this afternoon while Diva takes her nap. I figure this way when two weeks is up, I will have gotten a go head start to the holiday season and I will have gotten rid of my carb cravings which will be a very good thing.

On another note: Did anybody watch that show Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy on FOX last night???

Cause,  OMG!

If you missed it, you missed some of the scariest television I have seen in a LooooNG time. The premise of the show is to have Moms go live a different life with another family for a week. My guess is that it’s supposed to be a learning experience but, last night they traded a 400lb “Christian” mother with a huge gap in her front teeth with a new age practicing hypnotist mother. The 400lb mother was PSYCHO. She freaked the fuck out, talking about how the other woman and her family were “dark-sided” and that she “rebuked it in the name of the Lord” and she would randomly say things like, “Find God, he wants you.”  When she got home she started screaming and yelling, telling the crew to get out and screaming about her house being tainted now. This woman’s poor children and husband, their reactions…priceless.

Now, this is what bugs me about, “christians”. Hey lady – remember Jesus? Remember how Jesus is the savior of Christianity? Remember how he told the prostitute to get up and walk with him? I think Jesus was WAY more gracious than the lot of Christians and all their judgements passed. It makes my stomach turn that this woman claimed hersefl a Christian and acted like a deranged psychopath on TV. Inspiration is what changes people if that what she was sincerely after and about all she inspired in me was prayer for her kids and maybe a little nudge on the diet. Hey- isn’t sloth a sin still? Did I miss that?

Interesting fact of the day:

Despite the fact that the average American woman has consistently worn a size 12 to 14 clothing for decades, the women who grace magazine covers have gotten thinner and thinner over the past 20 years.