Something about today reminds me of Phil.

I don’t remember the date he died or the date of his funeral off hand, but it feels the same.

Phil was a great guy. In a lot of different ways. He was a faithful husband, a playful father, a mentor, a high school soccer coach, a youth pastor and my friend. He was the kind of guy who should never be diagnosed with cancer, not that anyone should, but in his case it seemed particularly cruel and unfair. He was the only “pastor” who ever really accepted me as is, he made me feel loved, he made me feel like there was always a way back to faith. Truly an inspiration.

I don’t know what it is, but when I stepped outside this morning the memory of me and Matilda standing there holding hands in the cold waiting for his coffin to be carried past was way too prevalent.  The way she squeezed my hand when his wife Carol passed us barely holding it together as she carried their oldest son away, sobbing, in her arms. Maybe it’s that the sky is the same overcast gray and the air has that same smell and chill. I can’t explain it.

He is so heavy on my mind today that it’s almost as if there is some point to make of it?

But what and why?


Lighter note: Today is my one year check-up with my boob doctor.  Funny how I actually believed having that breast reduction would make all my problems go away. HA! that’s a laugh. I think I’ve had more medical problems since having it then I did before hand. But hey! – haven’t had any back pain.


Leave it to me to change the subject, huh? The emotion is just too fresh and raw right now.

11 thoughts on “Phil

  1. maybe it shouldn’t make you sad.
    It’s just the way it is.  And I think it’s a good thing that you’re thinking of him.  It means that in a way, he’s still around.  Perhaps you should take it as a blessing that this wonderful person is still in your heart. 

  2. I don’t really feel sad. It’s just………..I dunno  I haven’t thought about him or the day of his funeral in a long time. I started writing abotu soemthing completely different and I couldn’t. Maybe there was some reason for me to think about him and write about him today and maybe not….but there it is.

  3. Sorry about Phil…it’s good that he is on your mind though, it means that you never forgot him and that is the greatest thing that you can do for a person…
    Good luck with your boob doctor….

  4. there are some days that bring back memories so easily. Sometimes its a smell in the air, a feeling in the atmosphere, or just the way you feel when you wake up. The human brain and its ability to recollect has always fascniated. A sound can remind you of a day long ago, a smell cause your eyes to get a little teary because of a memory you had thought you had forgotten. A sight be so reminiscant…
    i used to hate that. Typically, i would just get sad over whatever it was i remembered…but as i have gotten older…i am fond of those deja vou moments. Because a memory is a beautiful beautiful thing, sometimes we just need to alter it slightly. Today has reminded you of a funeral. Instead remember the person. The life. What he meant to you. Focus on taht and be blessed by it.
    :)hope all goes well with your dr!

  5. It could be the smell – our brains very strongly associate smell with memories.  Or it could be something in your subconscious.  You may not be able to figure it out so don’t beat yourself up about it…. just remember Phil.  That’s what’s important.

  6. christ stephi…i miss him too…i miss knowing he is in the world. hannah hung with carol a few weekends ago…and said she is doing well…even has a little b-friend. still…not him. i can’t imagine being that much in love and losing it…recovering would be excruciating…we have it better than we think. blessed in fact.sunday…how is it looking for you

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