I just went and checked the mail and found this:


This letter is to certify, that in an action pending in this Court, on a petition filed by STEPHANIE —– ——- to adopt D ——- ——-, a minor, satisfactory evidence was submitted to prove, and the Court found, that the minor was born on March 25, 1996, at Ravenna, Ohio and that all necessary proceedings relative to an adoption were complied with; and the Court on Monday, October 24, 2005, decreed that the minor is hearby legally adopted by STEPHANIE —– ——- and the minor’s name shall remain D ——- ——- in the records of the Court.

WITNESS my signature and seal of said Court, on this 25 day of October, 2005



* I’m off to pop a cork and have myself a glass of champagne!!! *




Today should be the day of recovery I need after going to my brother in law’s party and venturing out to downtown Kent last night.

Downtown Kent on Halloween is like Mardi Gras on a smaller scale. Craziness. Drunkiness. Hardly any room to walk. And if you don’t like to be crammed into small spaces – you should definitely avoid the bars. God help you if you’ve gotta pee. My husband was Rob Zombie and so I was a living dead girl. We both got a lot of comments about our costumes. lol. We had fun. I should also note that it was the first time I was ever hit on by a girl. She totally tried to pick me up and my husband was a little too giddy about it. Hello, dummy? She likes girls. If she wanted a guy in the mix, she wouldn’t be hitting on me.

But now we must go trick or treat with the kiddos @ MIL’s house. Cause they do it the Sunday before Halloween instead of on the actual night. I think that blows. But I’m really thrilled that we live in a town that will “allow” trick or treat in the dark on Halloween and all will be as it should be tomorrow.



* Jack o’ lanterns originated in Ireland where people placed
candles in hollowed-out turnips to keep away spirits and
ghosts on the Samhain holiday when the line between the dead and living is thought to be most vulnerable.

* Halloween was brought to North America by immigrants from
Europe who would celebrate the harvest around a bonfire,
share ghost stories, sing, dance and tell fortunes.

* Tootsie Rolls were the first wrapped penny candy in

* The ancient Celts thought that spirits and ghosts roamed freely during Samhain. So, they began wearing masks
and costumes to avoid being recognized as human.

* Halloween candy sales average about 2 billion dollars
annually in the United States.

* There really are so-called vampire bats, but they’re not
from Transylvania. They live in Central and South America
and feed on the blood of cattle, horses and birds.

* If you see a spider on Halloween, it is the spirit of a
loved on watching over you.

* Bobbing for apples is thought to have originated from the
roman harvest festival that honors Pamona, the goddess of
fruit trees.

* Black cats were once believed to be witch’s familiars who
protected their powers.

* The history of “Trick’O’Treating” can be traced back to the early celebrations of All Soul’s Day in Britain. The poor would go begging and the housewives would give them special treats called “soulcakes”. This was called “going a-souling”, and the “soulers” would promise to say a prayer for the dead. Over time the custom changed and the town’s children became the beggars. As they went from house to house they would be given apples, buns, and money. During the Pioneer days of the American West, the housewives would give the children candy to keep from being tricked. The children would shout “Trick or Treat!”


My pet peeves

  • When someone uses the last of the toilet paper and doesn’t replace it. This is especially annoying when you run to the bathroom, squeezing your butt cheeks together, letting your ass explode as it meets the seat, you take that sigh of relief and then glance over and see cardboard.
  • I didn’t like it when strangers would touch my baby. Like standing in line in the grocery store and some lady wipes her nose with her hand and then goes all “AWwww…what a cutie” and reaches over with same hand to touch baby’s cheek. EWwwww!!! And by the way- what is the tactful way to deal with that?
  • When somebody looks at one of my kids and says, “Do you think that their warm enough in that?” No, dumbass. I just thought a little frostbite might toughen them up a bit. (eyeroll)
  • The way people in my house can’t seem to make their laundry go into one of the 4 laundry baskets provided or put their trash in the trash can, especially crusty tissues.
  • People who drive in the left lane on the highway. Listen up, The left lane is for PASSING. It’s actually a LAW. But for the love of God, if you’re gonna drive in the left lane at least do the speed limit.
  • And then there are those people that think the left lane off the highway is always the “fast lane”.
  • People that don’t get out of the way for ambulances and fire trucks. I always wonder (and maybe secretly hope) if that person will call for a rescue squad one day and have some asshole be in the way while they wait in the balance.
  • People who give you dirty looks and wave their arms from their vehicle while beeping their horn because you got in their way when you made your left turn with the green arrow while they ran a red light. Yeh, I’m sorry, buddy.
  • People in customer service jobs that lack manners and courtesy.
  • Habitual drunks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about when you go out and have a good time every now and then and catch a buzz and act silly. I’m talking about people who do it often and always go past their point, start stumbling around, can barely keep their eyes open and can’t get what they’re saying out. At some point folks, it’s just not funny, cute or quirky anymore and you become the person everyone rolls their eyes at when you walk away.
  • They way people say a bunch of shit online that they would never say to your face.
  • When somebody puts back nearly empty food/drink items and you think there is a supply of something there isn’t, and realize it right after you get back from grocery shopping.
  • The way the kids ask me for something at the worst time. Ex: I’m cleaning up puke off the kitchen floor and another child says …. “Mommy, can I have ……?” Like, Hello? Do I not look busy?
  • The way men always ask where shit is, before they look, when it’s in the same place it always is or it’s something I know nothing about. “Hunny, where is my belt?” Do you guys think we have a lost stuff radar in our vaginas or something?

So, What are your pet peeves?

It’s almost official.

We went before the magistrate this morning and he did a short interview with us. He says that I am an appropriate candidate for adoption and that he feels it is in Pickle’s best interest for the adoption to be granted. He then passes his recommendation on to the judge who then sends us a letter saying the adoption was granted and filed.

At the very end of the proceedings, they had us  all come into the courtroom together while he read his “official” recommendation. He asked Pickle if he had anything he wanted to say to him and he shook his head yes, which shocked and scared me, so the magistrate told him to go ahead and he leaned over and put his head on my shoulder and said….

” I want this to be my Mommy.”


We’re home.

We had a very uneventful week away which was exactly what we wanted. Boring? Probably by most standards, but it was just what we needed. I kept saying, “..listen.”

………………………………long pause…………………………………………

Then he’d say, “I don’t hear anything.”


We had this fabulous whirlpool that could probably fit three adults that we nearly overflowed with bubbles. We went hiking up in the mountains and through a cave. We went panning (where you sift through dirt to find fossils and gemstones) Slept til 11am. Mimosas every morning with breakfast. Made a little bed on the floor in front of the fireplace then got all snuggled up and watched movies. Sat out on our deck that looked out on the woods in nothing but a blanket, holding hands and drinking wine.

It was lovely. Longest alone time we’ve EVER had.

How does this happen?

You plan for over a year to take a trip and you still end up running around doing stuff at the last minute.

Truthfully, I’m beginning to get a little apprehensive about being away from the kids for a week. I’m gonna miss my babies.

But , it’s finally here!

I don’t know what’s more astounding to me, that in a few days we will have been married for five years already or that we are getting to go away for a week, alone. Then we get home next Sunday evening, go to bed, wake up Monday and go to court for my adoption petition hearing.

It’s been a long road. There’s a lot behind us. We had a lot of mountains to climb, but without the sour, you just never know how sweet the sweet really is.


Things I love about my husband:

  • His sense of humor
  • His smell
  • His hands
  • The muscle between his neck and shoulders
  • He lets me be a pain in the ass sometimes but calls me on it when I need it
  • He covers me up on cold mornings when he gets out of bed
  • The kiss and “I love you” before he leaves for work
  • No-bake cookies
  • He doesn’t mind when I fall asleep on him and drool
  • The way he says “Damn” when he looks at my ass
  • How sexy he makes me feel
  • The little cards he gets me
  • Drummers do it with rhythm
  • The sex
  • That he can’t stand to see me cry
  • He’ll drop everything when he knows I need to talk
  • He WANTS to stay home with me
  • He has stopped and picked wildflowers for me from the side of the road
  • His laugh
  • He’ll get up and check the house with no complaints when I hear something at night
  • The wondeful, playful Daddy he can be
  • The way he makes up dirty lyrics to songs
  • He’s a hard worker
  • He’s not quiet in bed
  • He can cook and clean if he has to
  • When he dances with me in the house
  • His pep talks
  • His hugs
  • His kisses
  • He always holds my hand while he drives



(See kids – Mommy and Daddy did love each other at one point in time and you were the best things that resulted of that love.)

the  “I” survey

In an effort to not terribly depress myself, I present the wonderful distraction of the  “I” survey……….

I am not: hopeless

I love: my husband, my kids, my family & friends

I hate: lies

I hope: that things will get better

I hear: that little voice in my head

I crave: a slice of pizza & chocolate covered strawberries

I regret: not doing or saying things when I had the chance

I cry: when I feel alone

I feel alone: when I need someone and they’re not there

I care: a lot

I will: survive

I will not: give up

I always: give someone the benefit of the doubt

I long to: take a bubble bath without any interruptions

I listen: to what’s not being said

I hide: my insecurities

I drive: a truck (insert twangy country music)

I sing: along with the radio when a good song comes on

I dance: whenever I feel like it

I laugh: when I think of Ni falling off a chair when we were drunk

I write: in order to get things out of my head

I breathe: through my nose

I play: tea party with my daughter on a daily basis

I miss: (sigh) being silly with girlfriends

I search: for things constantly in my dreams

I learn: from my mistakes

I feel: overwhelmed

I think: God is bigger than the BoogeyMan

I know: my kids and my husband are my whole world

I say: smart ass remarks as a defense mechinism

I dream: in color

I sleep: with the lights off

I wonder: what the big picture looks like

I want: everything to make sense

I have: to go to the bathroom

I give: good advice

I need: a vacation

I worry: about failing my children

I fight: for those who can’t fight for themselves

I wait: as long as I can

I stay: where I’m wanted

I am: Stephanie

The lump in my boob

There is a lump in my right breast.

I have been aware of it’s presence for about 6 months now. My OB/GYN first found it during my yearly exam in his office. Having had a breast reduction surgery only 6 months prior, he wrote it off as scar tissue, explaining that it would be highly improbable for “something like breast cancer” to suddenly pop up right afterwards without the surgeon seeing something and especially not at my age.

I had my one year surgery follow-up yesterday with the boob doctor. I casually bring up that I think I have some scar tissue in my breast and so he feels it and makes this face and says “That’s a little too round and hard…” and kinda trails off. I’m sitting on the edge of his little exam table now feeling very uncomfortable because aside from his little quirky comment, there is a really young and very cute med student in the room with him as well who is now feeling the boob. Dr. Boob turns and tells me that it could just be a cyst that was under the tissue before the surgery and now it’s easier to feel, BUT he wasn’t able to just let me walk around saying “there is a lump in my breast and my doctor says it’s fine”. He recommends opening up the incision and taking the whole thing out, but would only bill for a breast biopsy, so the insurance covers it as non-cosmetic and he’s taking care of what could be scar tissue he created during surgery.

I’ve decided that I’m gonna take it to my regular doctor whom I trust WAY more than this surgeon who could just be looking to get paid for yet ANOTHER surgery. Not saying he is, but I think it would be highly irresponsible of me to just go under the knife because of the opinion of a surgeon.

I know it could be worse. I am sure there is someone out there who would gladly trade me their much worse problems to deal with mine, but it’s still EXTREMELY frustrating being in my shoes right now.

I mean, JESUS!!! Why is all this crap happening to me?

Let me clarify that I really don’t think this lump is cancer. I’ve had WAY too many blood tests done in the past year after my mystery illness and hospital stay to be contrary to such a thing. And the high sed rate thing which I had, and can be indicative of having cancer, did clear up. BUT, you know, I admit there is that small “what-if” game playing in the background. And I’m just annoyed at having anymore nonsense and prospective surgery to think about.

I’ve already got my hands full with Pickle and worrying about him and trying to make sure that he’s getting the help he needs and just trying to figure out what the hell that is exactly. Then I’ve got Jedi & Diva, who believe me, I wake up everyday and thank God that they are healthy, but they are still a handful who require a lot of attention. And then I’ve got a husband who is having problems at work who I am constantly trying to console in regards to his job security which is stressful  to think about on it’s own. Then I’ve already been through the agony of being tested for everything under the sun and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting for results, while worry mounts. And then to top all that off, I’ve got a complex cyst in an ovary to consider, which may also require biopsy, if not full out surgery. And now this fuckin lump in the breast thing. Oh let us not forget, for added fun, having  to worry about what someone is going to think of me because of the feelings I express while I’m dealing with all of this shit.

Can someone please cut me some slack???


Something about today reminds me of Phil.

I don’t remember the date he died or the date of his funeral off hand, but it feels the same.

Phil was a great guy. In a lot of different ways. He was a faithful husband, a playful father, a mentor, a high school soccer coach, a youth pastor and my friend. He was the kind of guy who should never be diagnosed with cancer, not that anyone should, but in his case it seemed particularly cruel and unfair. He was the only “pastor” who ever really accepted me as is, he made me feel loved, he made me feel like there was always a way back to faith. Truly an inspiration.

I don’t know what it is, but when I stepped outside this morning the memory of me and Matilda standing there holding hands in the cold waiting for his coffin to be carried past was way too prevalent.  The way she squeezed my hand when his wife Carol passed us barely holding it together as she carried their oldest son away, sobbing, in her arms. Maybe it’s that the sky is the same overcast gray and the air has that same smell and chill. I can’t explain it.

He is so heavy on my mind today that it’s almost as if there is some point to make of it?

But what and why?


Lighter note: Today is my one year check-up with my boob doctor.  Funny how I actually believed having that breast reduction would make all my problems go away. HA! that’s a laugh. I think I’ve had more medical problems since having it then I did before hand. But hey! – haven’t had any back pain.


Leave it to me to change the subject, huh? The emotion is just too fresh and raw right now.