I like to read.

I like to get lost in a good book. It helps take my mind off things, especially right before bed. It helps tire out my brain so it doesn’t run all night on auto-pilot, playing what-ifs and all that crap. But my problem is I am always going to the library and checking out books I don’t like. I read a chapter or two and get bored with it, end up forgetting about it, getting a reminder notice, paying a late charge.

About a month ago as I was thumbing through “O” magazine (Really good magazine in my opinion), I saw this ad for something called the “Next Novel Collection”. It’s a collection of books about “women looking for what’s next in life“. So I went to the website online and found out I could try two of the books COMPLETELY free and then if I liked them, they would send me 4 new books every month, sticking to the theme.

I got my two books last week, I’ve already read them both and now being really impatient about getting my “NEXT” shipment.

Anyways, If you’re interested….Check out the Next Novel Series. They’re easy reads. Nothing to deep.

That’s been helping keep my mind of the still all consuming pain in my side. It’s so freaking frustrating. Makes simple things a “pain”. Like yesterday we were running late for Pickle’s appointment with the neurologist and we needed to actually run, but the most I could muster up was a fast walk with a limp and “AR!’ from every step on my left side. If I had been wearing a patch over one eye and had a hook for a hand, I’d have made a great grumpy pirate.  “ARRRR, I say”  Maybe I have a Halloween idea there.

Pickle has been having seizures this week. Not the fall on the floor, uncontrolable shaking kind, but the blank stares and weird convo kind. So we took him yesterday. More meds.

Tom Cruise will be thrilled, I’m sure.

Met a little girl in the waiting room who had verbal dyspraxia, which means she thinks she’s saying one thing but it sounds like garbled nonsense to the rest of us. She took a liking to the husband, holding his hand, sitting on his lap, making him read her books. Her grandmother got the biggest kick out if it. She was the cutest little girl. She even hugged me bye. Never ceases to amaze how children are so resiliant.

My NANA arrives this afternoon!!!!! YAY! 

Homecoming

Normally the neighbor girl has her hair pulled back in a tight pony tail and is in a T-shirt and those flowing warm-up pants that have a set of white stripes running from hip to toe down the side. Last night, she wore a layered chiffon, jade colored dress that tied around her neck and layered at the bottom. Her hair was down. I watched as her date came to pick her up and nervously took her arm. I watched her smile for nearly 50 pictures. She was gorgeous.

It’s funny how you can completely forget all about certain memories until you see someone else making the same ones.

I remembered homecoming last night.

It was something I haven’t thought about in a long time. I remembered how much it meant to me back then. How much I would fantasize about how it would go down. And the funny part is that as much as I thought about what dress I would wear and how I would do my hair, I wasn’t doing it for me. I was doing it for him. I used to regard boys as mystical creatures who somehow could unlock my happiness and rescue me from all things sad and boring.  Maybe that’s something all teenage girls do, I’m not sure.

I recalled the picture I was searching for in my mind and was struck by how stunningly beautiful I was. I didn’t see it then. Even in that size 7 dress, I thought I was fat. I thought I wasn’t pretty enough, or cool enough, or whatever it is you were supposed to be. How young I was. How different life was then. How I thought I knew everything and could have never been more wrong. I smiled and let out a snort with the shake of my head.

It’s weird how time changes you. How you keep learning even when you think there is nothing left to learn. How you learn to appreciate the small things, like even being able to afford a new dress that you feel great in.

The neighbor girl must have forgot something cause her date pulled back into the drive-way and she pulled her dress up away from her shoes and scuffled into the house, running on her tip toes. It reminded me of Cinderella, but I know better now.

When she ran back out to the car, she noticed me and gave a big smile and a wave.

“What do you think?” she said, turning around in her dress.

“I think you look beautiful….more beautiful than you even realize right now.”

Husband has the day off today.

There has been a lot of drama going on at his work and it’s been taking it’s toll on dear husband. A little too much than I was willing to accept. I made note that in this past week he’s complained of heartburn on more than 3 occasions, he has had a hard time going to bed because he has pain shooting down his left arm, when he gets frustrated his face turns beet red, and he’s been complaining of headaches and nausea all week long. All signs of a heart attack on top of the fact that he already has been diagnosed with an irregular heart beat.

Not things that I could brush over.

So, I made him a doctor’s appt for this morning  yesterday and he promised he would go…and then he had another problem with his boss and he came home at lunch and told me to cancel the appointment.

Me being the nagging wife that I am….I called his boss. (I know, I know.) I explained the situation. He understood completely. Said he would make sure husband would be at his appt. He sat down with him yesterday afternoon and they hashed out some of the bad blood between them, he shook his hand and told him to turn his cell off over the weekend, that he’d hold down the fort, told him to take the day off today, go home have a few beers and go to his appointment cause he was no good to me or him, if he was ill or dead.

So, I’ll be spending time with Hubby today.

p.s. ~ Please go give congrats to pharmgirl02 who became a proud Aunt last night @ 8:47p.m., to her first nephew, Aidan Mitchell – 7lbs, 13oz.

Growing Pains

When your child wakes up in the morning and is completely pale, complaining of how his “bones hurt everywhere” and is just laying on your lap with a blanket, shaking cause he’s so uncomfortable…..it’s unsettling to say the least.

We’re all dressed and ready to go to the doctor’s office, but we have to wait. I’m browsing blogs to stop the “what-if” game being played out in my head.

I’m not trying to be dramatic, it’s just that I feel helpless and I hate that. I hate waiting for the doctor’s office to open. I hate wondering and waiting……………….

<<edit>>

Just got back from doctor’s office with Jedi and she said she didn’t find anything on exam, but she did think he was pale. She wanted me to take him to Children’s hospital for some bloodwork to be on the safe side, but I told her I was going to opt for taking him home and keeping a close eye on him and that if happened again, I’d hop right in the car and go down for the bloodwork.

We had a similar experience like this once before. A couple months ago, he was on a steroid for a really bad cough and he woke up from a nap screaming and holding his feet, sobbing, saying it hurt to bad to walk. I rushed him to ER cause it was obvious he was in pain. The doctor’s explanation was that it could be a side effect from the steroid, but he doubted it or it could be growing pains.

Now, I’m no doctor but I’ve never heard of a child having growing pains this bad. I asked my doctor about it this morning and she said it does happen. So, now you know.

 

I’m gonna go cuddle on the couch with my kiddo and watch a movie.

50 Random things about me:

  • My name means: Crowned One
  • I graduated high school in 1996
  • Someone tells me I’m weird or crazy at least once a day
  • I dream of rebuilding a 60’s Ford Mustang
  • I have a tattoo
  • I was born in Belgium.
  • I always wanted to have two boys and one girl, in that order..and I did
  • My parents are still together and have been married for over 30 years.
  • I watch The Weather Channel on a daily basis
  • I have coached a sport
  • I admit the best concert I’ve ever been to was Garth Brooks
  • I’ve had a date with someone I met online.
  • My mother believed for years that I would marry a boy named Michael who could play the piano, cause she had a dream about it. I think she watched Grease 2 the night she had the dream.
  • I have sang and danced on stage for an audience
  • I’ve had surgery 3x
  • I played softball for 10 seasons straight
  • I actually dance at clubs
  • I have participated in “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”
  • I have totaled a car
  • I used to puke nearly every morning before going to school my sophmore year of high school
  • My mother, sister and I all have names that begin with S
  • I own a whip and handcuffs
  • I am an Ebay seller
  • I used to have a poster of Ralph Macchio (The Karate Kid) on my wall in elementary school
  • I think pot should be legalized
  • I’ve never gotten a speeding ticket 
  • I have been watching General Hospital for 17 years
  • Last CD I listened to: Gwen Stefani; Love, Angel, Music, Baby
  • I think my OB/GYN is hot
  • Favorite Blizzard flavor: Oreo
  • I’ve been the Maid of Honor
  • I order my cheeseburgers plain
  • I was in labor for 19 and 1/2 hours with my son
  • I must have a brownie when I’m on my period
  • I bought my first new car this year
  • I once got so drunk at a concert that I forgot where I parked and couldn’t find my car for over an hour
  • I cannot sleep while facing another person
  • I eat at McDonald’s at least once a week
  • Even though I think it’s very erotic, I don’t think I could have a threesome
  • Shoe size: 8
  • Last DVD I watched: Love Actually
  • My middle name is Doris
  • I have been proposed to 6x
  • I have accepted an engagement ring 3x
  • I call it “pop”
  • I have a crush on the local Tv weather man
  • I bite my nails
  • I lost my virginity on Oct 5th
  • I can play the trumpet
  • I started this list @ 3:34am – Insomnia sucks.

Make a note of it: I’m wearing a skirt today.

During the middle of aerobics class this morning, one of the girl’s from the daycare area walks in and starts whispering into the instructor’s ear and after she left, we all paid dearly for whatever it was her son had done. It sucked. There were two other instructor’s in class this morning and even they were moaning and groaning. I swear to God, if you could record just the audio in that room during the toning portion of the class, a guy could really get off on all the moaning. 

Anyways…..because of our night out Saturday and staying up all night chillin with my bro-in-law and then dragging all the kids up to Aviation Day yesterday, I was exhausted and went to bed at 6:30pm…I was just gonna shut my eyes for an hour and get up and watch a movie with my husband, but I slept all night. I wake up and come downstairs this morning and the house is trashed.

It’s just not fair. Taking a break should be a break. I shouldn’t have to pay for it when I get back in touch with reality. Just doesn’t seem worth it and that’s pretty frustrating.

I’ve got MUCHO work to do.

Pic from Aviation Day

 

 

Bottoms/Heads Up

UGH!

It’s not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, but I still feel pretty blah!

We went and watched my father in law’s band and for some reason, probably because it had been awhile, and my husband had some buddies from work show up….I spent a lot of time with my brother-in-law, JBob, as I like to call him. We were drinkin buddies last night. He started a tab and I don’t even want to know what that came to. I gotta give myself props for stickin it out last night. He was shocked. He thought for sure I was gonna puke and honestly after 5 shots, 3 Bacardi/Cokes and 1 Seagram’s cooler, so did I. For the record…Jameson is scary stuff. Whoa! I think it was the water between rounds that saved me, oh and of course our 1 am stop at Taco Bell, which was freakin hilarious. Those poor drive-thru people that had to deal with me & JBpb last night. LOL.

Is it just me or is Taco Bell like the best food ever when you’re sloppy drunk? Well that and White Castle of course.

I’m off to stare up at the sky for a couple hours. (It’s Aviation Day)

What to Say

Do you ever wonder what things you should say and what things you shouldn’t?  I can’t seem to win in that arena.

I also can’t seem to figure out what makes you a friend.

Is it totally ignoring the fact that someone is screaming inside, sticking to the surface b.s. and laughing it off? Because it always seems that when I care and try to help – I’m a brutal bitch. BUT if I refuse to pull up a chair and watch some one I care about self-destruct and simply stick to putting in as much as I’ve ever gotten in the “friendship”…….well then I’ve got a stick up my ass.

What is the answer?

Why do people miss EXs whom THEY SAY treated them like crap, but could go on with life without a second thought about the friend who was there for them to wipe snot on through it all???

And why do people sit and listen for hours on end to some asshole who screwed them over go on forever about their feelings  and some big epiphany but me – oh!!! I’m just freakin’ looney tunes if I don’t instantaneously forget the fact that I had my feelings hurt and disregarded?

Whatever.

I guess you can’t make people care about themselves and if they don’t. Probably should just keep your yap shut cause anything you say will just rub them all the wrong way and all you’ll be left with is heap full of blameful bullshit.

What can you do?

ANYWAYS>>>>>>

GUESS WHAT?!?!?!?!?

My Nana is coming to visit Sept 30th – Oct 10th!!! So excited. Love my Nana. 

Quite honestly I’m just really happy that she will be able to get away for 10 days and sleep in and have no worries….just chillin in her jammies, watching movies and stuff. This is a much needed break for her.  Yay!

The home assessment

Everything seemed to go well. After she asked me 100+ questions about myself, and I gave her all the required paperwork, she explained to us the rest of the adoption process and how it would proceed and be granted, which only leads me to believe – she sees no issues and we’re almost finalized. We’ll have a court date next month and meet with the judge mostly to testify about the last contact  with his “egg donor”. Since we can’t find her….we have to actually enter testimony under oath stating she hasn’t had contact or provided support for over a year. (It’s actually been closer to 3.

Last night after the court assessor lady left, Pickle came up and hugged me and said

“You’ll always be my Mommy, no matter what. Nobody can split us up- ever, cause you’re in my heart.”

That was about the sweetest thing I could have even scripted for him to say to me.

I can’t explain it, but everything just seems so, dare I say, perfect right now. Everything is falling into place, everything is as it should be. Right now things are fantastic, never better, great talks, great sex, The relationship A’s are in place (i.e…..affection, appreciation, adoration). the kids are great, my relationship with them is great…..

I’m just really content right now, comfortable and settled.

It’s a good place, no place else I’d rather be.

Recommendation Letter

When the court lady came for our home assessment today, we had to provide her with a bunch of paperwork, one of those things being reference letters from people who know me and our family and what they think of me becoming Pickle’s adoptive mother. My brother-in-law wrote one, Pickle’s doctor wrote a very flattering one and even one of my Jason’s parents wrote me one that was completely astounding.

Anyways….she told me that there was one reference letter that had been written on my behalf and sent to her office that she made a copy of for me because she thought I should read it. It was from Pickle’s first therapist, Nancy.

I have soooo much respect for this woman, not just professionally but personally as well.

I cannot tell you how much her words meant to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 21, 2005

To Whom It May Concern:

I had the opportunity to meet and work with the M* family in December 2000. My role with the family was to assist Mr. & Mrs.M* in parenting a very angry and confused little boy as he had revealed to Mrs. M* concerns with sexual abuse and abandonment. I continued to work with the family until my change in employment in the November 2003.
Mrs. M*, Stephanie, always considered him as her son; even with the birth of her own children, he was the big brother. I am convinced that Stephanie believes that with her heart. Stephanie was also a wonderful advocate for him and her family. She encouraged Mr. M* to pursue counseling, counseling for the family, and to intervened with biological mom selflessly when he was reporting frustration
with his mother or his half brother.
Stephanie does an excellent job of being *’s mom and I would be honored to recommend that she be given the legal right to be known as his mother.

Sincerely,
Nancy H******