Marriage is hard work.

It has ups and it has downs.

The last few days were definitely a down.

Monday he had taken a vacation day to help my sister move into her new apartment. He was pissed and tired because she wasn’t as prepared as he thought she should be, it took longer, she ended up being on the top floor, etc, etc and it just all spiraled downward from there.

I didn’t have a good day either. The kids were difficult. I had lots of chores to catch up on since we had been gone for the weekend.

We were both frustrated. We had a fight. And he took it a little too far. Instead of sticking to the subject at hand – he made it into an attack on me…everything. It didn’t matter if it was true or not, he was in combative mode and anything that could hurt me was used. And I was in such shock over the whole thing that instead of blowing up, I imploded. I fell apart. I just don’t deal well with the unexpected and I didn’t see this coming at all.  With all the bullshit I normally deal with on a day to day basis, this made the load unbearable.

We sat down and talked last night and I just told him that he can’t attack me the way that he did. My whole life is this family and when he attacked me as a wife and as a mother, it made me feel worthless…like everything I’ve done was pointless. I told him that mentally, emotionally & physically I’m just not strong enough to deal with it.  It seem to shock him that I showed weakness, that I crumbled and sobbed. I guess I’ve been a rock through so much for so long, that sometimes he forgets I’m just a girl who loves him and is completely vulnerable.

Yes, it is scary to be this vulnerable to somebody. There is always the risk that I could be completely destroyed. But I guess that’s the chance you take to experience the other side of it all…. the make up, the good stuff and the strengthening that comes with surviving the rough spots.

Reality Bites

How does it happen like this?  No, I know how…

WHY … why does it always happen like this? It seems that things are going great and then it’s all torn to shreads. No it doesn’t just seem that way, I know things were going great …. and then he just chucked it.

Why?

My best guess is he didn’t get EXACTLY what he wanted, and it’s not that I didn’t try but it’s just that what I give is never enough. It’s a guess because I never know what he really wants. I know what he tells me he wants and try so hard to give him what he tells me he wants. There’s just always more. He actually just stood here telling me I don’t care about him but yet my ENTIRE family and all my friends could testify under oath, hand to bible to the fact that this is NOT the case. Other people look at us and envy the relationship they think we have, they’ve told me as much but he is never satisfied. It’s like he focuses on whatever he doesn’t have, no matter how small, instead of everything he does and I never know what’s gonna flip his switch. It’s like he’s fake….or mentally unstable, but the way he manipulates things makes me feel like I’m psychotic.  It’s so fuckin weird.

I just feel like despite being more than he’s ever asked of me….I’ll never be enough.

I give him my all. I give this family my all. What else is there to give? At some point, I imagine we arrive to the end of the rail where there is no where else to go and nothing else for me to give.

Honestly, it’s just not humanly possible to keep this going forever.

(((sigh)))

I really don’t know how much more I can take of the nonsense.

Its like a self-fulfilling prophecy, he’s convinced that I’ll betray him somehow so he just pushes and pushes every button, cut open every wound until I cannot bleed anymore, until I cannot breathe and I cannot think because I am suffocated by negativity and I wilt…

Or is this tearing down process just to make him feel better about himself? Does it help him somehow to tear me down with words, attacking everything about me? Or is he trying to make me feel like everything that I am composed of is shit that is unworthy of him???

I resent him so much right now for making me look like a fool… For all the things I’ve sacraficed to get here just to have him tell me I don’t fucking care…  For all the flattering, bragging words I  have used to describe him lately, oh they just make my stomach turn now… For him pulling the rug out from under me again, but mostly … I resent him for making me think that we were actually getting somewhere when we are actually still running the same circle along.

It’s shit like this just makes me feel like I would be much better ALONE for the rest of my life. I’d like to be able to think, oh how I long to believe that this will pass and things will go back to normal and then get better, but what help is that if I KNOW it will always come back to this.

What’s the fuckin’ point?

THOUGHT OF THE DAY:  I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

Louisville

This weekend was FANTABULOUS!!!

We got in Friday afternoon around 3pm and immediately went swimming, CANNONBALL! Baby Girl was afraid of the big pool, but loved the hell out of the little wading pool Nana had set up in the back yard. It was great to watch the girls play together. They are sooo funny. Plus, it turned out to be my Uncle’s birthday. He’s very ill but we managed to get him to the table for cake and ice cream. I made Hubby go to Ceasar’s in Indiana for a little gambling and although he didn’t win anything it left me and Ni and Li alone for a girl’s night in. We got a chance to chat and giggle and grab some much needed munchies from White Castle! (“Cause we just can’t seem to get enough f***in’ cheese in this vehicle”)

It was great!

Saturday night we all went out to this bar in Lousiville called Jim Porter’s. From the outside it didn’t look like much but we really thought it was pretty cool. They had like 3 different bars inside. It was like a dance club, a blues bar and a honky tonk all in one. I didn’t get to do as much dancing as I normally do when I go out, but the company was GREAT!!! We managed to take over the only two pool tables in the place and my cousin C and my Hubb played on one table….I think they were actually playing, while all the girls (me, my cousin (who fake IDed herself in- Glad she did), C’s girlfriend Taylor, and my Aunts) all tried to play on the other. We were all just a little buzzed and preoccupied talking.

I was ready to go home by Sunday though. Mostly cause it’s just really hard to keep a two-year old under control at somebody else’s house.  You know, it’s not like when you’re at home and they can just run around the whole place and play with their own toys….people have different schedules and all.

I hugged everyone bye and got all teary when we left. I love my family, I truly do. Driving away I was looking out the window thinking about how I didn’t get a chance to tell Li bye and how I wish I had when who do we spot in the rearview but my Aunt Che and Li right on our tail, waving and flashing lights to get our attention. We pulled over and I got to my hug which was important because for us this weekend came with a lot of resolution for which I am very thankful. It’s about damn time.

Only gripe: GAS PRICES!!!!!

It cost $35 to fill up my tank on the way down and another $45 to get home 

……………………………………….but it was worth it.

ODE TO MY husband

Yesterday was a horrible day for me… until you got home. Just your arms around me made me feel like I was safe and everything else just faded away. And then you gave me the sweetest reassuring words I could’ve ever hoped for. I know we’ve had our problems but despite all of that….Overcoming those obstacles seem to have made us more connected instead of ripping us apart. And I love the life we share together. I am so appreciative for all the hard work you do just so that I can stay home with our children. Thank you for that. Watching you be a Daddy just makes me love you more. I want to thank-you for sharing this journey with me. Thank-you for loving me. Thank-you for calling me on my bullshit when it’s needed and for having my back when I’ve been self-doubting. More than just being my husband and my lover, I appreciate when you are my best friend. I just wanted you to know that I love youand I will always show up and try, even if I had bad days and want to give  up.

Frustration

Today is not going well and I’m just beating myself up more and more as the day goes on. Hell if I know why. I just feel so freakin’ imcompetent. I can’t find things that I need to complete paperwork, or things I need to clean with, or things I need to pack for my trip. I started a TO-DO list and got totally distracted. Now that’s just sad. I can’t even START a TO-DO list, much less complete one.

I have some how managed to lose an entire NEW box of baby wipes. Those stupid squares of wet clothy substance are expensive to just wipe ass with, so I refuse to go out and buy a new box when I KNOW there is a full dispenser around here somewhere.

FUCK!!!!!! I’m soooooo frustrated.

I just can’t get my shit together to save my life.

WTF???

(((sigh)))

Breathe, Stephanie. Breathe. It’s just one of THOSE day.

I’d love to sit here and rant on and on about it, because there’s a lot more to say…..but I’ve got a lot to get shit done before I leave Friday morning.

Picnics and such

I ran into my workout buddy from the Y while I was shopping.  She gave me a BIG hug and told me she had missed my smart ass remarks. That she isn’t having any fun without me. I promised her when I got back from KY I would get back up there. eh,  I need to do that anyways. Ive been a little to lax in that area of my life I suppose. Anyhow, She gave me her phone number and asked me to come over sometime and have a glass of wine with her. Sounds good to me.

Hormones & Other Stuff

invaders

Had some really scary PMS moments this weekend. Hell, maybe its not PMS at all. Maybe its that I have a very low tolerance to bullshit! But, The rage is unbelievable.

I had my last TBall game Saturday afternoon. After the game the parents had somehow managed to get all the kids to sign a card for me without me catching on. It was so cute. And then all the parents came up and thanked me for everything I had done. They really had the sweetest things to say and made me blush. One mother came up and gave me her own seperate thank-you card and when she gave it to me she apologized for not being able to help more, that her husband would help but is in Afghanistan right now and that her son had been really struggling with it, but he had always looked forward to TBall and it helped them get their minds off of the whole situation. She told me that she really thought a lot of me and that she admired the way I had brought so much fun and still discipline to the team. She hugged me and it took everything in me not to sob like a baby and believe me I wanted to.

Having grown up as an Army brat with my Daddy in the service and my friends parents being in the service and my Mom raising me when my father was serving, this will be the thing Im most proud of coming out of coaching. *sniff, sniff* And I then I started my period about an hour later. Stupid horomones.

My parents took Jedi and I to Friendly’s to celebrate our last game. It’s really strange to watch your kids enjoy things that you loved as a kid. Like a Cone Head sundae. And like right now, Pickle is watching this really cheesy Sci-Fi remake that I loved as a kid, “Invaders from Mars”. It’s making me remember all sorts of things I had forgotten about.

Btw…if you need a good laugh and you like offbeat movies, dark comedies…check out “Eulogy”. It’s a new release with Rip Torn, Ray Ramano, Kelly Preston, and Debra Winger. I watched it last night and haven’t laughed that hard at a movie since “Old School”. Check it out!

Swallowed money

Well folks, it seems the excitement never ends.

 I am off to the ER with Jedi for X-Rays because he has swallowed “money” (i.e a penny)

<edit>

Jedi is fine, but I had to take him to the ER so we could make sure it was in his belly in not in his esophagus(sp?)? XRay shows it is in his belly, so most likely he will pass it. There is about a 1 in 1,000 chance that he couldn’t pass it and he has to have surgery. HOPEFULLY, he will not be that 1.

Anyways, he had a penny in his mouth? I don’t know why. But he did and he choked, was turning purple, I had to do the whole Himelech(sp?) thing, he puked but swallowed the penny, we went for Xray, he HOPEFULLY will pass the damn pesky penny.

<end edit>

Sporks

BIG NEWS EVERYONE!

Last night, I ate mashed potatos with a SPORK! I was under the impression that these magnificent wonders were nearly extinct. I was informed by my husband after I gasped and made a HUGE deal over my spork that they are readily available at Taco Bell. He said if he had known I’d get that excited over the damn thing he’d have brought me one a long time ago. 

Here’s some useless info for ya cause you never know when you might be on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”

A spork (sometimes known as a foon) is an unusual kind of cutlery. It is based upon a spoon, with the addition of the tines of a fork, and sometimes the serrated edge of a knife. Canonically, there are three or four tines. The spork has been patented several times, the latest patent in 1994 by Hubert Gagnon, which will expire in 2012. The implement is the subject of several urban legends, one being that the United States military forced the Japanese to use them instead of chopsticks after they occupied Japan in the Second World War, while the other is that the Nazis invented them for use with field ration kits issued to German front line troops in World War II. Sporks are quite versatile and are used by numerous fast food restaurants and by backpackers, who carry them to avoid carrying both a spoon and a fork in their packs.

Apperhently there is a whole spork vs. foon controversy here on the internet. I suppose some people think that since the utensil most resembles a spoon that it should be phonetically represented with FOON.

Who knew?

In other news, Baby Girl woke up this morning and decided she didn’t want to wear diapers anymore, although she is not potty trained. So, it happens that I just bought her a pack of “Finding Nemo” underwear so we are trying them out. 1 hour down, no accidents.

MIL picked up Pickle yesterday  and is keeping him for two nights, last night and tonight. My parents are going to keep the two little ones for most of the day and bring Diva back for bedtime. Jedi will spend the night. So- I have the day off. 

My husband got called out on an emergency call Tuesday night and didn’t get back until 3am.  It sucks but it turned out to be a really good thing, cause he got $25.00 just for responding and then he got 4+ hours of overtime paid in his check yesterday. We really needed that money for our trip to KY next week.

Burnout

Lunch with my bestie yesterday was just what I needed. She totally GETS IT. I guess it’s just nice to be validated sometimes. Plus, we laugh so hard my cheeks always hurt by the time she leaves. Good times.

I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. I just feel burnt out. Please, don’t get me wrong. I love my kids with all my heart, but doing anything all hours of the day, everyday is wearing. Even… eating chocolate! I could use a break.

Pickle is just difficult to deal with period. He’s 9, but he mentally 6. It’s a little tricky because I expect him to act like a 9 year old and he TOTALLY doesn’t. He’s not bad….it’s just hard to explain.

Jedi is going through a whiny phase, when they whine and cry about EVERYTHING. Happens a couple times a year, but he’s just soooo emotional. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried cuddling. Ive tried talking to him. I’ve tried putting him in time-out for it until he’s ready to use his words like a big boy. I hear it so much right now that it’s like nails on a chalkboard. I’m to the point that I just cringe when he starts, pulling my shoulders up to my ears in tension.

And Baby Girl, well she’s usually  the angel baby…but she’s surely going through the terrible twos. Her newest favorite word is “NO”.

Aside from Pickle, I know this is all age-appropriate kiddie stuff, but why does it feel so overwhelming? I cant be the only one. Why the hell dont Moms talk about this.

I honestly think I might seriously cut off one of my arms to have a day ALONE. Like, just to go to a hotel and have a room to myself. I don’t even want husband to go (hell, even that turns into babysitting more than I’d like to admit(….I mean ALONE, ALONE. I just want to sleep and take a bath without someone talking to me through the door or staring at me while I poop. I’d probably just go back to sleep after a bath. I just want time for myself. I just want a break from everyone’s expectations of me as a mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, etc…etc…etc…

When I stop and think about it, I realize I’ve been raising kids since I was 19. I jumped right into the role of Mom when we met because…well, someone had to. And it makes me feel like a terrible person to think and feel this way. To actually desire to be away from my family, but I guess everyone needs to be alone from time to time.

Maybe I don’t want to be alone. Maybe that’s why the past has been calling and I’ve gotten lost in daydreams of revisiting what it’s like to be a teenager. Remembering that girl. The girl I gave up.

((((sigh))))

Horoscope:

Someone in your immediate environment may be working against you behind the scenes. This is most likely a reflection of your own unconscious feelings blocking your success. Although this may not make sense, answers might be buried within your childhood fears or parental expectations.*(???)* Revisit your childhood to recover the relevant memories and then apply what you learn to the present.