It has ups and it has downs.
The last few days were definitely a down.
Monday he had taken a vacation day to help my sister move into her new apartment. He was pissed and tired because she wasn’t as prepared as he thought she should be, it took longer, she ended up being on the top floor, etc, etc and it just all spiraled downward from there.
I didn’t have a good day either. The kids were difficult. I had lots of chores to catch up on since we had been gone for the weekend.
We were both frustrated. We had a fight. And he took it a little too far. Instead of sticking to the subject at hand – he made it into an attack on me…everything. It didn’t matter if it was true or not, he was in combative mode and anything that could hurt me was used. And I was in such shock over the whole thing that instead of blowing up, I imploded. I fell apart. I just don’t deal well with the unexpected and I didn’t see this coming at all. With all the bullshit I normally deal with on a day to day basis, this made the load unbearable.
We sat down and talked last night and I just told him that he can’t attack me the way that he did. My whole life is this family and when he attacked me as a wife and as a mother, it made me feel worthless…like everything I’ve done was pointless. I told him that mentally, emotionally & physically I’m just not strong enough to deal with it. It seem to shock him that I showed weakness, that I crumbled and sobbed. I guess I’ve been a rock through so much for so long, that sometimes he forgets I’m just a girl who loves him and is completely vulnerable.
Yes, it is scary to be this vulnerable to somebody. There is always the risk that I could be completely destroyed. But I guess that’s the chance you take to experience the other side of it all…. the make up, the good stuff and the strengthening that comes with surviving the rough spots.