Reality Bites

How does it happen like this?  No, I know how…

WHY … why does it always happen like this? It seems that things are going great and then it’s all torn to shreads. No it doesn’t just seem that way, I know things were going great …. and then he just chucked it.

Why?

My best guess is he didn’t get EXACTLY what he wanted, and it’s not that I didn’t try but it’s just that what I give is never enough. It’s a guess because I never know what he really wants. I know what he tells me he wants and try so hard to give him what he tells me he wants. There’s just always more. He actually just stood here telling me I don’t care about him but yet my ENTIRE family and all my friends could testify under oath, hand to bible to the fact that this is NOT the case. Other people look at us and envy the relationship they think we have, they’ve told me as much but he is never satisfied. It’s like he focuses on whatever he doesn’t have, no matter how small, instead of everything he does and I never know what’s gonna flip his switch. It’s like he’s fake….or mentally unstable, but the way he manipulates things makes me feel like I’m psychotic.  It’s so fuckin weird.

I just feel like despite being more than he’s ever asked of me….I’ll never be enough.

I give him my all. I give this family my all. What else is there to give? At some point, I imagine we arrive to the end of the rail where there is no where else to go and nothing else for me to give.

Honestly, it’s just not humanly possible to keep this going forever.

(((sigh)))

I really don’t know how much more I can take of the nonsense.

Its like a self-fulfilling prophecy, he’s convinced that I’ll betray him somehow so he just pushes and pushes every button, cut open every wound until I cannot bleed anymore, until I cannot breathe and I cannot think because I am suffocated by negativity and I wilt…

Or is this tearing down process just to make him feel better about himself? Does it help him somehow to tear me down with words, attacking everything about me? Or is he trying to make me feel like everything that I am composed of is shit that is unworthy of him???

I resent him so much right now for making me look like a fool… For all the things I’ve sacraficed to get here just to have him tell me I don’t fucking care…  For all the flattering, bragging words I  have used to describe him lately, oh they just make my stomach turn now… For him pulling the rug out from under me again, but mostly … I resent him for making me think that we were actually getting somewhere when we are actually still running the same circle along.

It’s shit like this just makes me feel like I would be much better ALONE for the rest of my life. I’d like to be able to think, oh how I long to believe that this will pass and things will go back to normal and then get better, but what help is that if I KNOW it will always come back to this.

What’s the fuckin’ point?

THOUGHT OF THE DAY:  I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

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