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My best friend, Bevis, kidnapped me and took me out last night and ugh, not the going out, that’s always a blast, especially w/ her (love her), it’s the dreaded, God awful HANGOVER!!! The kind you can only get when it’s your birthday and everybody wants to buy you a drink. Double ugh…

All I want to do is lie in bed but, the kids are up. Where is hubby? Hubby is hungover worse than I am, so he’s still in bed. Granted I did brush off quite a few of the drinks bought for me, towards him.

Sometimes I just don’t know about him.

Things between us have been going really well, especially with the new job and everything. In my drunken, vulnerable state last night I confessed my BIG wish. Another baby. A baby girl. I already know her. I can see her in my dreams. Her, us and her two big brothers. A family. A simple life. Til death do us part. Suddenly he’s convinced that we’re ready to have another baby. We weren’t married when our son was conceived, and even though he begged me to marry him and have a baby, he did not help the pregnant lady out very much. In fact, well, it wasn’t good.

I’d love to have another baby. I REALLY would. My son is the greatest thing that ever happened to me no matter what I went through. Yes, yes, yes – I want to have a baby. My little girl, dare I dream, but I just would like to know that our marriage will retain some qualities of normalcy. Consistency. My husband can be a GREAT guy but he has major issues with alcohol. And while I know that has nothing to do with me, he can make it about me in a heartbeat.

I wish I could see into the future, through the crystal ball and know that we will be fine, that everything will be OK. Perhaps though, the closest thing I have to the crystal ball is looking at our past. The past always seems to rear its ugly head …

Dare to live the dream or proceed with caution? That is the question.

Miss Independent

Here I am at home, alone, on the 4th of July. It’s fitting I suppose.
Well not ALONE ALONE, because my son is here with me.

In fact he is sleeping on the bed right next to me. He looks so peaceful. No worries. I wonder if babies dream …

Baby boy and I went downtown, just the two of us, and watched an awesome fireworks show that was set to music on a local station. He was so excited. He kept waving to the fireworks and going “Ewwwwww!!!!!!” It was just a really great experience to share with him.
Also took him to his first parade today. I cried <–BIG DORK!!!! They had a float that replicated the scene at ground zero where they found the American flag. It touched me. Ok, lets move on.

Hubby was little more interested in drinking than spending time with his family so, I did the family thing with the baby. I can’t help the experiences he gives Pickle. I have no rights, as he likes to remind me but I can change them in JJ’s life.

So look at me: Miss Independent.

Bubble busted

There’s this guy in my past (who doesn’t have one???). I mentioned this before. It was in large part why I started this whole blog thing to begin with. He is someone who will always have THAT piece of me. And if I could take it back, I guess I wouldn’t. I seriously thought I would marry this guy, sometimes I STILL think about “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve”. Probably too much. You know, girl brain crap.

I still run into him online, but he made this comment to me today, insinuating that he signed on and then got off because I wasn’t on. And it made me feel special, like he was actually looking for me, he cared, he missed me. He told me he misses me, and that he thinks about me and it felt good.

How hard pressed am I for attention, affection and adoration?

And then … I got my bubble busted. Why? I don’t know. How can you have you’re bubble busted when there is no bubble? Now I just feel like an ant in a colony instead of the queen.

I guess as my best friend says, you always have a special place in your heart for your first love. He WAS my territory at one time.

Make of it what you will.