Take this noise into your brain

I was in this horrible state of mind, trying to figure out how to get it all out of my heart, soul and mind, when I had a serendipitous song moment.
I have to send out my gratitude because these words fixed it all, and now I’m movin on.

We stumble in a tangled web,
decaying friendships almost dead
and hide behind this mask of lies
we twist and turn and we avoid,
All hope of salvage now devoid
I see the truth inside your eyes
so take all this noise into your brain
and send it back again
I’ll bear the cost, shed my skin, call you up and then…
I’ll say the words out loud

You could resurrect a thousand words
to deceive me more and more
a thousand words would give the reasons why,
I dont need you anymore

Time manipulates your heart,
preconceptions torn apart
begin to doubt my state of mind
but I wont go down on what I said
I wont retract convictions read
I may perplex, but Im not blind
so take all this noise into your brain
and send it back again
I’ll bear the cost, shed my skin, call you up and then…
I’ll say the words out loud

You could resurrect a thousand words
to deceive me more and more
a thousand words would give the reasons why,
I dont need you anymore

I’ll say the words out loud. I’ll say a thousand words or more.

And the nominees are …

Can somebody out there explain to me why families have a whole system of secrets underlying this warm fuzzy surface stuff?

If you are a member of a “close family” and it was sincerely REAl, what secrets would need to be kept? I understand that in certain situations it is best to bite our tongues, but when everyone in the family has to feel awkward and act FAKE just to protect the feelings of one individual who in fact should be uncomfortable?

Instead we will suddenly all be in the running for Oscars for our great portrayals as IGNORANT.
I just don’t get it.
I guess the bottom line is that there will be a another chance to deal with this, and for now I will go and ACT for the sake of once in a lifetime celebrations.

Dear Mommy

My step-son has moments when he just melts my heart and scatters every sour thought in my soul.

Today he gave me an envelope with a bunch of letters written on it and told me he had written a note. I asked him to tell me what it said. He said “Dear Mommy- I wrote you this letter because I wanted you to smile. I am very proud of you. You are a great Mommy. I love you big much.”

So I open the envelope and there’s a little picture of two stick figures, and one is giving the other one a flower.
And he says “That’s me giving you a flower.”

Totally made my day.

The morning (evening) after

Had way too much to drink last night. Turns out you can’t make your problems drown, folks. Or the people who haunt your memories. Or the words people say that rip to pieces.

Whoever said “Stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is a fucking liar. Dumb ass.

I got up at 7 this morning and tried to go back to sleep and as soon as I reached that sweet sleep spot, the phone rang. I forgot about lunch with my Grandma for Mother’s Day. (Slapping hand) Had to hurry up and rush out the door.

Feel like poop. Gonna nod off here at Mom & Dad’s while they do that grandparent thing.


What a week.

My poor step-son. The egg donor is pulling some kind of major head trip on him and it SUPER sucks to watch him struggle. It’s like watching a fish out of water.

He wants sooo badly for his “mom” to love him and take care of him and in a primal way, but the sad part is that she is so wrapped up in herself that she makes everything about her. If my husband says “Do you know why he’s acting like this” she automatically goes on the defensive. “How would I know what’s going on, I’m so busy trying to provide for myself that, blah, blah, blah, blah …
It’s just sickening.
So today we had a situation and I had to call her. She didn’t answer so I left my cell number and told her I was taking him to the hospital.

She never called.

This shit is so overwhelming. I cannot imagine everything swirling in his little head and hurt.

I am glad to be going out with friends, retreating from the trenches, having sometime to myself this evening. Im on a mission to act my age. The kids will be with the grandparents, safe and sound, and I am within walking distance to a bar and safe passing out place. No worries.
Now, I need a drink.

Things that go BUMP in the night

My step-son woke me up at 3o’ clock this morning. He had a really bad dream. He said everybody’s head kept popping off.

Poor kid.

But in the midst of his little tears and trembling, I found myself actually thanking my lucky stars that he had that bad dream. Because he came to ME, and I got to dry his little tears. Then he crawled in my bed and cuddled up next to me and I got to hold him and keep him safe until the alarm clock woke us up at 7. That may have been a bit selfish, but we are all the better for it.

He’s such a sweet little kid, with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He constantly worries about his Mom and her actions. He worries about her not showing up to see him. He questions why his Mom doesn’t love him. Why doesn’t Mommy call him, why won’t Mommy go to school and read with him. And while I would love to make excuses for her to protect his little fragile heart, all I am allowed to say is “I don’t know, honey, but it hurts me too.”

I could never understand how a MOTHER could allow her son to wonder about her intentions for an instant, even that is too long for an innocent boy.

Keep it real

“It was good, it was bad……..it was REAL”

Isn’t that what we’re all looking for? Something real!

Problem is that I think when most of us have it, we just don’t get it. I sure as hell don’t. I’ve been hurt so much in my past that when someone starts to tread on emotional ground, I become Miss BITCH or Miss PSYCHO BITCH. I just can’t put that guard down.

Although he did put this wall up brick by brick and I’m pretty sure there’s no good wrecking ball that will take it down, so I see digging and dare I say, effort? *gasp*

Happy thoughts

Went to the doctor’s today, and I’m not going to die.

And MORE GOOD NEWS if you can believe it, I got my state grant approval to go back to college. That made my day. I haven’t been that happy in awhile. Needed some good news.

I went to Lowe’s today and it brought back some very good times in my life. Made me cherish good friends and good memories. I know, I know, but yes, Lowe’s. It’s funny how places and smells can take you back to that one person in your life. Why is it that you can so easily forget some people, and then there are other people in your life, in your thoughts, in your heart that will always be there? Ever notice how those people are usually the ones that can/have hurt you the most too? Think there might be a connection but frankly, I’m too emotionally exhausted to dive into that. I just miss the little things. Well, I miss everything about him.

Anyways, yes, a venture into my local hardware store made me all giddy, like a teenage girl with a crush again.
It was a good feeling.
I thank God for moments like those, it’s makes life so much more worth while on darker days.

Men and airlines: complaints galore

I have some major things going on today that are really screwing with me. Mentally I am on the edge of insanity. Well, that may be a bit dramatic. Ok, ok…

I have a doctor’s appointment today for a “FEMALE PROBLEM” I’m terrified that I am going to go in and find out that I’m dying or will die and I have no idea why. Where is this coming from? The only thing I can think it has a lot to do with my Uncle getting so bad so suddenly.
Then my other great task today is that i have to call the airline that my Uncle had already booked a flight home for a visit through, which I already cancelled and received flight credits for, and I have to find out if we can use that credit to fly his body home.
That’s so morbid.
But, it’s too much for my Mom, Aunts and Uncles to process right now.
Trying to keep any somewhat sane thought.

I called the airline and am really put off that they can’t, or
won’t apply his paid ticket towards freight cargo, you think they could be a little bit helpful. And freight cargo is not a term I like in this particular circumstance. I don’t like any of it.

I was ok through the phone call but the grief hit me while I was eating lunch. I just started thinking of all the things in a day that I take for granted, how my Uncle hasn’t eaten in two weeks. Things have been put into perspective since this happened. That’s for sure. For me anyways.

It does put somewhat of a damper on what I thought was our BREAKTHROUGH in our marriage though. My husband is irreversibly NEGATIVE and selfish. Anything that takes away from my attention to him is an inconvenience that must be verbalized, negatively. Sometimes I just look at him, like “Are you for real? Did you really just complain about THAT?”

I have to question the whole ‘women are the weaker sex’ thing.