The Ex-Wife

My husband‘s ex-wife is the biggest piece of shit that ever walked the planet. No, I am not saying that because she’s his ex. I have never known anyone in my whole life to be SOOOOOOOOOo self-absorbed. A woman who doesn’t even CALL her 6 year old son on his birthday. She sees him two weekends a month and THAT’S IT and then she has the audacity to call herself a “GOOD MOTHER”?!?!?
This is the only woman in the world, whom I could NEVER relate to. Especially as a mother.

I couldn’t go a day without seeing or speaking to my son. I can’t even imagine.

She makes everything about her. She is always the victim. In the meantime, her son is the one getting hurt. I can’t find an OUNCE of sympathy for her. She makes me sick!

Rant over.

Reminisce

Have you ever had a day where you just cannot snap out of memories?
One thing can send you on a spiral of nostalgia???

My dreams, my thoughts, my every waking minutes have been filled with an overflow of memories today. Most of them bittersweet. The kind of things you don’t appreciate until their gone. Very important lessons, that you can never be told, but you have to learn yourself. That’s the hardest part.

Then there’s the WHAT IFs and the COULD’VE BEENs. Why do we do this to ourselves? Because the bottom line is that every experience good or bad, made you who you are today, right?

It’s say to say I’ve struggled, I’ve made it this far, but why, dear God, am I still wondering what the chances are. What I wouldn’t give for one more day, one more night.

Im not so sure. I so wish I could put this to bed.

Be the coffee bean

> A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life
and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was
going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and
struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one
arose.
> Her mother took her to the kitchen.

> She filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed
carrots, in the second she placed eggs and in the last she placed ground
coffee beans.
>
> She let them sit and boil without saying a word. In about
twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out
and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them
in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
>
> Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me what do you see?”
>
> “Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied.
>
> She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She
did and noted that they soft. She then asked her to take an egg and
break it.
> After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.
Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled , as she
tasted its rich aroma.
>
> The daughter then asked. “What’s the point, mother?”
>
> Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the
same adversity–boiling water–but each reacted differently. The
carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being
subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had
been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid
interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became
hardened.
>
> The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in
the boiling water they had changed the water.
>
> “Which are you?” she asked her daughter. ” When adversity
knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot , an egg, or a
coffee bean?”
>
> Think of this: Which am I?

> Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity,
do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
>
> Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes
with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after death , a breakup, a
financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?
Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with
a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?
>
> Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot
water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets
hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when
things are at their worst, you get better and
change the situation around you.

Choices

Life is really the accumulation of choices and the choices you make greatly effect your destiny.

My husband has a friend, his best friend, they call him Butch. They came from the same little town, they had the same interests, they both grew up without their bio-Dads, and they both drink. It’s a hobby, not just a beverage.

My very good friend is married to Butch. They’re relationship is tumultuous.

They, like us, have two kids, and have had more than their share of ups and downs. The difference was a choice. A choice my husband and his best friend both had, but my husband made the right choice at the right time and that has made all the difference. My husband decided to put all excuses aside, and try to be the husband that I needed him to be and the father that our children deserve. He’s trying. For that I am grateful. He is not perfect, we have bad days, but I love him so much for stepping up to the plate.
He found a reason to be better, instead of an excuse to self-destruct and that my friends has made all the difference.

Chill Out!

I needed a serious break after this emotional week from hell.

Ive drunk amost a whole bottle of Boone’s Farm. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had BOONE’S????? Guess how many stores I had to go to just to get the stuff? It was ridiculous. Just needed to drink back to a simpler time. Summer nights in high school.

Strawberry Hill take me away…

Disgusted

I don’t even know where to begin.

Is it possible to be COMPLETELY distraught with someone and find love and compassion for that person at the same time. No, I mean at the exact same time?

My family will never be the same again.

An unspeakable horror has occurred. It absorbed so much power because of trust and secrets. Now the secret is out. You could’ve told me anything today, but this is what I never saw coming.
It has brought back so many emotions, so many difficult realizations.

There is much more evil in the world than there is good, but faith is what let’s us love one another and hold to hope in the midst of such a consuming fire.

Perspective

Driving home from an awesomely, progressive counseling session this evening through downtown, when I was smothered by ignorance.

Down one dark street we could hear profanity and see fists fly between teenagers. Down another dismal way, we saw two WANNABE thugs, just so impressed with themselves.
What a waste!

And here my Uncle lies in ICU, unable to speak or see, dying for the chance that others are wasting.

Waiting

My Uncle is in a coma.

I now know that his HIV made him susceptible to a blood infection and the blood infection caused a heart attack. Because his brain was without oxygen for too long, if he does come out of this coma there will be considerable brain damage. I guess everybody else in the family will learn about his HIV now. He would hate that. Absolutely hate it. People who he feels don’t support him being gay and would see HIV as his earned punishment from a wrathful God. I don’t know that thats true. I hope it isn’t.
It’s unbelievable.
This man is such an incredibly talented musician. He can hear a song and play it back. He has a beautiful voice. He has sung at all my Aunts weddings. We even did a duet together once.
One of my favorite Christmas memories is of him sitting behind the piano, playing Christmas songs while we sang along.

What I would give to be able to be with him right now.
My thoughts and prayers are consumed with him.

Waiting is the worst.

bad news

Unexpected, shocking news.

My Uncle is in the ICU in GRAVE condition, they say he probably won’t make it through the night.

It’s just so UNREAL. I just talked to him on Thursday.
What struck me as strange, no actually it’s absurd, was that my Uncle has always questioned his place within the family. He felt like the odd man out.
If he could only see now.
How distraught everyone is, how concerned everyone is for him.

I feel like God knew this blow would be hard for us all and he orchestrated us all exactly where we needed to be. My grandmother was in town for the weekend. That allowed her to have her own emotions without having to worry about anybody else. My aunts were all at a baby shower together at church. Just absolutely phenomenal how God can work, in different states, in different time zones.

Lord, please be with him.
Don’t let him go until he’s ready.