Back at Mom & Dad’s

imageI moved in with my parents Sunday.

I had my gallbladder removed on Monday.

My husband was over tonight to spend time with Jedi but my Mom ended up watching him the majority of the time because I was sleeping. Pain pills surely do numb all kinds of pain.

Im so distraught with life right now. Not with life, but with the way my life with this man has come about. I find that journaling helps me release a lot of the pain, but when I read back through this today, I couldn’t believe that I had ever allowed myself to live in such misery, or to allow someone to hurt me over and over again the way he has.

I helped this man achieve his goals and now Im back were I started. At home with Mom and Dad. At least it feels like “home”. That’s a feeling I haven’t had in my own house, maybe ever.

You know what’s really interesting? When I talk to him and we talk about where we are right now, all he talks about is how hard it is on him without me. Not emotionally. There isn’t any remorse or recognition, just that he doesn’t like having to handle all the responsibilities on his own. Effort. He doesn’t do effort.

Out of Reach

“Knew the signs
Wasn’t right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach
Couldn’t see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

But I was
So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach
Couldn’t see
We were never
Meant to be

So much hurt
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time
You’ll be out of my mind
And I’ll be over you

But now I’m
So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach
Couldn’t see
We were never
Meant to be

Out of reach
So far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There’s a life out there
For me”

Gabrielle – Out Of Reach Lyrics |

June 2001

There is no point in writing dates and times.

It all runs together after a while.

I came home last night find my husband passed out drunk, while he was on call for work, with candles burning all through the house. One of them had close to a full for the flame coming off of it and scorch the wall. The wall which on the other side of where my two sleeping sons.

The stakes are too high.

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