My heart is breaking and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I’m 20 years old, unmarried and pregnant. Carrying the child of a man who I feel as though I never mattered to.
We conceived this child in love, or at least I was young and naïve enough to think so. I remember him distinctively looking my in the eyes and telling me he wanted to have a baby. He wanted to have a family.
Where is he now? Good question.
Im trying to remember exactly how I got here.
A week ago, I was laying in his arms. We were happy, he loved me, he was going to take care of me. My fault in this is the I compromised with him on something that I couldn’t compromise on. This man has a drinking problem to say the very least about it. It’s not to the point that he is violent, just that when he’s not in control and if you interfere in the self-destruction, that’s another story.
IN all honesty, I made the compromise because I knew he would’ve quit. Vicious cycle. He kept saying he wasn’t ready to do that. IN my mind, when you find out you’re going to be having a baby, you make yourself ready for everything you have to.
Middle of the week and he’s alone, so he catches a buzz, calls me and when he started mocking me, I hung up. I laid there for a long time trying to wrap my brain around what was happening. This nastiness hadn’t been directed at me before. IT was always the ex-wife. When he called me the next morning at work, I couldn’t help but express my discontent. I told him I had done a lot of thinking but would need to talk to him later because I was at work, He asked me what it was about. Did he really not remember? I said, “the night before and the drinking. You hurt me.” He asked how and then got really upset with me and told me that I was backing out of our agreement. He’s referring to the fact that I backed off on trying to get him to quit drinking entirely. But didn’t he make an agreement with me? Isn’t there some unspoken agreement to honor the mother of your child? Silly me. I understand where he could be coming from, but there in lies the problem with the compromises with him. I give and inch, he takes a mile. He isn’t even keeping up the basic expectations a woman has in a man she’s in a relationship with. HE didn’t like me pointing this out. He got really angry. He told me he would make his own choices with his drinking and I told him that was fine, but I would need to make my own choices when it came to how I was willing to be treated by him while he was drinking and that may mean that we can’t be together. If these are the actions he chooses for his life, he has to live with their consequences. When you hurt people, you don’t get to decide how they hurt. That’s not how I want to live MY life. He got angrier. He said if we weren’t going to be together, I could bet my ass that he would have joint custody of the baby. I told him he was crazy and he promised that he would make my life a living hell if not. He had a great teacher, referring to his ex-wife.
We didn’t talk after that. I called him the next morning to try and talk to him. It just got weird. He told me he would give me what I wanted, I’m assuming he was referring to respect and love, but that I had to cook breakfast and dinner and have sex with him every night. I think he just proved love and respect were not on the table. Maybe he’s not even capable of it. Realistically, I can’t promise those things. You can’t commit to EVERYDAY routines because, well … life? I’m pregant. I don’t know how I’m going to feel from day to day, what’s going to happen at work. I’m certainly not going to “promise” to do things everyday, when I can’t possibly know what is going to happen in the next hour. I told him making meals and having sex has never been a problem, but to promise it everyday is somethign else entirely. Besides it made me feel cheap that these were bargaining items to him. He actually said, “Fine. That’s it. I’m done.” and hung up on me.
I spent 20 minutes in the bathroom at work, trying to stiffen my hurt and tears. I decided to take a break and I reached out to his Mom. She had been in my shoes at some point. I thought she might have something to offer. She told me that we should “take a break” at least until he finished up his legal proceedings about shared parenting because he has a lot on his mind and might just be lashing out at me instead of his ex. I could see what she was saying but he wasn’t talking to me about this at all. Then I was taken back when she expressed, what seemed like surprise, when I talked about how he asked me to have this baby and had intentionally conceived. Could he have told her that it was an accident so she didn’t freak out or, I don’t even want to write this but, is he trying to make her think I’m trying to “trap him”?
I needed to talk to him about this. I actually had to plead for his time. We agreed that I was going to go over to his place and talk. Then he asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him. I said that we could but that I wanted to go see my Aunt and I had already made arrangements to meet her right after work, I told him I could leave work early, meet with him at work to talk and we could go eat after that. He said he’d see if he could wrap it up early and would call me back to let me know. When he called me he said he could get off at an hour early if he just skipped his lunch break. Then right before we got off the phone, he asked if I would “take care of him” i.e. get him off. Gawd damn. Whatever, I got to his work ten minutes late because of a last minute phone call. I asked if he was ready to go because he was acting really awkward. I explained I was late because of a phone call and traffic, that I was treating him to dinner so what was with the weirdness. He’s horny… so I remind him that I hadn’t said “No” in that regard. He told me he’d get over it. Get over what? He didn’t talk to me and was sulking as we made our way to the restaurant. Jesus! Aren’t men supposed to be the less dramatic sex?
I’m getting completely frustrated at this point. This isn’t productive and I left work to try and accomplish something here. I told him he had a real knack for making me feel like I could never do anything right. Then he got upset when I told him I was going to see a movie with my Mom later. He somehow thought I was coming over later, even though we had made these plans to be together and talk now because of my prior commitment to meet with my Aunt. I felt like he was being possessive and controlling. THis wasn’t a big deal. We had bigger fish to fry. ASide from that, we already had plans for me to spend the weekend with him and his son. I thought that’s why we were trying to get this out of the way. He called me selfish and said I didn’t give a shit about him. HELLO?!? At this point, I didn’t want to go to dinner. It would just be a waste of money and I would be miserable because he was obviously determined to be an ass. We started yelling back and forth. He told me that he was trying to make this work and I wasn’t. THen he said, “I gave you what you wanted and you’re just worth it.” He said it was over and he was done with me. He could find someone else to “take care” of him. I asked how this was even possible when we had conceived a child together. You can’t just chuck people, children. When we pulled back into his work he said this was really it and told me not to call him.
HIs words hurt so bad I was feeling physical pain. I just put my hands over my face and sobbed. He actually opened the door and asked me what the fuck I was doing. I was obviously in shock and in no condition to drive. I was just going to try and calm down and then I would leave. Then he tells me to go to my work and cry because he didnt want me to start any shit there. Could he be anymore heartless? Being in the parking lot of his work and “starting shit” was honestly the furthest thing from my mind but I left. I drove home, sobbing. Decided I needed to take a nap.
When I woke up, I remembered that I had meant to give him the money order for the electric bill which was still in my purse. I called him and had to leave a message explaining that I would just drop it off to him because he refused to answer. When I got there, I ended up tending to his son because he had bubble gum in his eyelashes and brows. When that task was complete and I was getting ready to leave, he offered to talk, but only if I “fuck” him first. When I pushed him away with a look of disgust on my face he told me, “Get the fuck out”. I told him that I couldn’t believe he was being like that. I mean, not only had I just taken care of his kid, but I was PREGNANT with his other one. He told me he was done with me, again, and he’d “find another bitch to take care” of him. I didn’t understand. I couldn’t comprehend. He wanted this baby. He wanted us to be a family. How can he just turn his back? I tried to choke back tears while I hugged and told his little boy “bye”, promising to call him Saturday since I wasn’t going to be around as we had previously planned. This isn’t fair to him either.
I cried all the way home, again. I’m spotting blood now and having being having cramps all night. All I do is cradle my growing belly. If I lose this baby, I will never forgive him. I still want this baby desperately, I want him and I want the family he promised we’d be. I wish he would call. Im scared, Im alone and I shouldn’t be. This should be the happiest time of my life.
And where is he? How can he do this?
My heart is breaking and there’s nothing I can do about it.