It’s not for sissies.
Everything they need and want and feel is on you. Despite almost everything you do revolving around this fact, guess what? You’re also the only one to blame.
Today was one of those days in which everything I did with my time and energy was selfless. It was all about someone/something else. At the end of the day, I didn’t get appreciation or even a hand, I got to hear about my shortcomings.
I’m so fucking tired of being strong.
Who do I have to be to get some reciprocity?
Tonight was brisk and rainy.
Around 8pm, I met him again for a drink in the hotel bar. We got closer as our conversation continued. We walk a couple doors down for dinner. He seems satisfied afterwards and I’m certain we will part ways, but he asks me to have another drink with him. We take our time walking the city block. He tries to capture the mood with a picture: a dark, wet passage lit up by string lights and store fronts that dance in the drizzled, rippled puddle reflections.
Over our last drink, he brings up one of our first conversations, a question I posed that has really caused him to do some soul searching. He tells me he feels an attraction to me: and also he feels that he is still very much jaded from his prior relationships.
That’s what he said.
When I asked what made him say that his response was:
“I don’t know. I don’t want to lose you over three words.”
Since then, I’ve been nauseous.
I think not.
Competing with men’s comfort zones is pulling me apart. Everything is never ending.
Have you had one of those conversations you never saw coming from someone you’ve known, but suddenly find out is willing to introduce themselves to you on another level? A conversation that tears down walls and opens up doors?
I had that conversation tonight.
It was if I was looking through a key hole and suddenly everything aligned, illuminated and gave me a desperately needed glimmer of hope.
Good people exist.
They’re tired and skittish, but what a brutiful sight when a spark sets off a blaze of bravery to share their souls once more.