Almost a year ago now, my then boyfriend, didn’t come to Thanksgiving dinner. The following week he was dealing with the blues. The following week, he would go with me to put Takoda down and they had been best buddies. Trying to think of anything that I could do, I got up and went to the garage in my pajamas, only to come back, stand on my bed and string up a strand of multi-colored Christmas lights. I smiled and proudly said, “TADA! There’s Christmas lights and you can’t be sad under Christmas lights.” It didn’t matter to him. He called them “cheap dollar store lights”, laughed at them and rolled over and went to sleep. That was the last time he was ever in my home, room, bed

Within the coming month, with EX making a reappearance and strides in the kids life, I welcomed the distraction from my broken heart and settled into to doing what I do. EX didn’t have a car, so I would drive him to NA meetings, the clinic, therapy. As the holidays were getting closer, the kids began to hint and suggest, that instead of EX staying at a shelter, he could stay with us and rent the unoccupied room in the basement and despite my better judgment, I made the offer. I asked EX to keep me company while I wrapped presents in my room Christmas Eve while watching “It’s a Wonderful Life”. At some point, EX looked at me and said, “Damn, Steph, you look so beautiful in the Christmas lights” and when I looked up to tell him “Nice line/try” he was crying. He said, “This moment, right here, right now, with the kids all under one roof, us wrapping presents and the way you look under those lights, is my favorite moment, ever. Thank you for it, Steph”

Sunday’s Song

why? … Why?

I spent a couple hours Friday staring down a ghost. He was there in the flesh, familiar, but a complete stranger. Someone I used to know? A figment of my imagination?

I couldn’t look at him. It made my stomach turnover. I could barely make myself listen in the courtroom as he undermined his actions and my meaning to him and highlighted his moving on… a new job, a new fiance, since the charges were filed a month ago. 

Im so thankful Tess was in town and there to hold my hand when I was allotted time as a victim to address the Court. I’m proud of myself for standing up for myself this time, instead of worrying about his consequences.

The aftermath, set off a stress flare. ALL the symptoms for ALL the things. 

While I’m recovering, this shall be on repeat:

You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell”

I hope you’re somewhere prayin’,
I hope your soul is changin’, 
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin’